BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Went out last night with big truck fix it guy. I need to get a better name for him... so awkward. Let's call him B. It was our second date although we have been in touch quite a bit with texting and phone when he is not busy with his daughters 12, 18, 22. Okay,so this dating thing. I am beginning to see the purpose of it-- to realize what I want, like, prefer, and must have in a man. Interesting concept! For a relatively intelligent woman, I am a goober. Yes, I know. K, so back to B. He is a very sweet person, hardworking, stable, loves his daughters A LOT, enjoys being with his extended family, loves his parents, is respectful with his language, seems to enjoy my company; all very admirable things. Yes, you know there is a but coming don't u---yeah. HOWEVER, B is a simple man with simple conversation. I listen to his tales of oil, grease, axles, brake fluid, injuries and comment suggest, etc. I listen to his father stories and can see how much he adores his girls even t...

Hey all, I'm still here and doing much better. Yesterday, I embarked on a day of beauty--had my first salon manicure to go with my pedicure, then went on and had my hair colored, cut, styled at the salon. I look hawt! Sold the hard wood flooring I managed to stash away from the X which is good. Locked myself out of my car (again) but baby brother came to the rescue. Family rox. Had a late date last night with a gentleman from Denver. Will be seeing him again this evening I think. Today, I have been busy and running around all day too. Met railroad guy (new) at the park this morning and had a nice visit. Met up with my friend, colleague/ counselor for lunch which was good for me. Tomorrow, I have a reflexology treatment YaY and a 2nd date with big truck mechanic guy--looking forward to that. So, life is busy and grapes. I might need a nap though.

Today has been a blue Monday for me. Not sure what is up with that but I have been teary off and on all day for the past few days. I have gone the gamut of feelings --- wanting to cry, scream, fall in a soggy heap of tears, lie down and never wake up, wanting my husband back, etc. Thankfully each interlude is brief but connected with a sense of being down in the dumps. Hopefully, it's just hormones and I will get over it soon! MMMkay, trying to think of some positive things here : My lawn got mowed. That always makes me pretty happy. It's raining, sort of, so it's a bit cooler. Son came home happy from his visit with his father. He has been doing a great job helping with cleaning up puppy messes, even if he has to run gagging to the bathroom in between! I get paid tomorrow. I stood up for myself at the bank. The lady didn't want to give me my new box of checks because the account was overdrawn twenty dollars. WHY? because the check order pushed it over a few ce...

I had an evil thought: My daughter has X's fancy Nikon camera to use for something. What if I kept it until he paid child support? The thought hadn't entered my head AT ALL until daughter mentioned her father had told her repeatedly not to let me sell it.... That is when the seed was planted. Found pictures on the camera with which to torture myself will share them with u. My replacement --- so much better than I.

Okay, so today I spent the afternoon and evening alone with the puppies, listening to little puppy grumbles about why they should not be in the kennel and why they should be allowed to roam willy-nilly about the house. Frequent trips out to the front yard featured the male, Jasper, immediately who does his business, then happily follows me about. Oreo, the female jumps, runs, wrestles, explores and wanders off. Rarely does she do any business that I can see and FAILS to return when I call her. grr. I'm looking forward to son coming home tomorrow to share the burden of puppy rearing. I did enjoy a few times of puppy cuddle though --feeling Jasper settle in against my chest, his little puppy breath fanning against my skin, tiny grunts rumbling from his tummy. Even Oreo managed to settle down for a snuggle. Photos pending on the little darlings. I did contact my PhD counselor/Psychologist friend and scheduled a time to meet her on Weds. Maybe she will help me get some of my thin...

I was thinking today. Married for 20 years means I slept with my husband 7,300 nights of my life. By contrast, I have slept 253 nights alone. I guess that says something.

In some ways, I feel like I have taken three steps backward. Once again, there seem to be impulse, urges, voices all about but I cannot trust them. Since the dissolution of my marriage, I'm the ball in a pinball machine (If you are old enough to remember those!). I've been shot out of a cannon to bounce around, briefly clinging on to one thing then on to another. It's a scary, confusing place to find myself in. On the household front, I took my son down to the river walk to listen to the music, walk around, enjoy the evening air. Unfortunately, we were there but five minutes when he saw the puppies. So, we came home with two, yes TWO, young puppies who had been abandoned and brought t o river walk by a kindly couple. Since then, wow. busy busy busy with the lil tykes. I'll have to go back to work in a week or so---the first week in August. Not too thrilled about that, but I guess it's time to earn my paycheck so I can do all this again next summer!

Welp, family is a blessing. I finally caved and asked my younger brother to give me $50 dollars in exchange for a post-dated check so I could by groceries. Of course, he wouldn't accept the check--"I don't loan money!" Anyhoo, took son over to Reasor's (new store, grand opening) and stocked up on their 10 for $10 stuff ( country style ribs, zucchini, peppers, etc) Meant to spend only 35 so I could keep a bit of $ in my pocket but obviously my math is flawed. and I counted and recounted! THIS is why I am an English teacher vs. being a math teacher. pfft. I watched "The Proposal" starring Sandra Bullock the other day with computer guy. I decided that I want to be Sandra when I grow up. She is so stinking HOT and quite naked in at least one part. snot fair. Plus, Sitka, Alaska looks grapes and I wanna live there now. Lately I have been uber reluctant to sit in front of my laptop. I think I am enjoying living my life more than hiding in the computer...

Son told his father we need money for groceries, to which father replied "Sounds like your mom's problem." I have the application for child support services via DHS read to mail today. Having to do that, having to file is disturbing-- a feeling of utter and total abandonment. It's just one of the finishing touches to my stupid pile of ill-advised choices in my life. There is no bigger idiot that I. On one hand, I was pleased to get the divorce through in six months with no extra legal work. On the other hand, on paper, it looks completely stupid. The following does not include student loans. His obligations from the marriage: $13,000 miscellaneous credit card debt $35,000 in child support, supposing he ever starts paying it and continues. My obligations from the marriage: $130,000 mortgages (not to mention property tax and house insurance!) $20,000 for my son's education -6-12 grade. ...

I'm really enjoying my house. Cleaning it and having it clean, getting things fixed up make me feel like things are improving in my life. If I let the time share go, I will be able to keep my house and have repairs, renovations done one thing at a time. That would be awesome.

Finished reading a sweet book, chick lit, that of course ended happily with the protagonist getting her man. The last part is of her going into labor and the husband running around grabbing things they need to bring to the hospital, finally carrying her out to the car. I quite enjoyed the book, but it reminded me of my own pregnancy. When I told my husband that I was pregnant, there were no joyful kisses or hugs. I suppose he was happy about it eventually. When I went into labor, he went to the office and told me to call him. Oh, I called him a lot--finally demanded that he get home. When we went to leave for the hospital, I had to open the gate for him to pull out, close it, and padlock it before getting back into the van. I ended up having a C-section which annoyed/upset him, so he was sullen for the whole time I was in the hospital because we had the money for a natural birth but not surgery. I stayed in a C class room that had about ten women there for various female surgeries...

Welp, the kids went with their dad last night. I don't know what time or day he will bring them back but I suppose it will be either tonite or tomorrow morning. Daughter went along to make sure brother is okay but I know she wanted to see her dad also. He sort of made the effort to see them -- called and hung up on me Friday night. I know it was him coz I checked the number. So, I had daughter call her gparents. Her gpa called during day yesterday for her-- I kno her dad was sitting right next to him. lol. Anyhoo, she was out but called back when she returned, then told gpa it was safe for dad to call her in thirty minutes after I left. cheez so complicated to avoid people coz ya hate em. blah blah.

Ordinarily, I don't mess around with horoscope stuff, but sometimes the personality fits: PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes gets the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to others but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward I'm not sure how correct it is. I know that I am not particularly organized and doubt that I am all t hat popular but some of it does ring true. Today was another lazy day and a strange day. I ...

I've been feeling out of sorts today. My whole daily routine is out of whack, staying up too late, sleeping in, postponing breakfast---that trip and the return home has put a major kink in my style. Then today, I saw this video -- I blame K for getting me going on it. It made me cry thinking no one will ever feel that way about me. From then, it was kinda downhill. Tried taking a nap to stave it off-- unsuccessful. Started having trouble breathing, hyperventilating, etc etc. But then computer guy came to the rescue with some distraction. wewt. Not 100% but better than I was.

I just want to be held.

Stayed up until 3 am this morning. Slept a few hours, woke up, then slept in again until ten-ish. Went to lab and had blood drawn to check thyroid levels. Went to work, gave them my name change info post-divorce. Went to bank, same as above. I'm a bit on edge at the moment, realizing my paycheck is gone as soon as I got it. Mortgage took all but 90 bucks of it. The rest went to pest control. Of course, there are other bills too and food yet. No child support thus far. I asked daughter if she minded emailing her dad about it because we need money for food. She minds. Part of me thinks, screw child support and make it on my own--go to food banks, church food pantries, get whatever I can to keep us going. The other part says to file with the state and maybe they will collect something. One part of me is crying because I am in this predicament. Suggestions, anyone?

Even though it's been awhile since my last post, I have thought about you. Really, I have. I just returned from a trip up North with my mom, my uncle who is visiting from England, and my kiddos. Was a long drive - 12 hours up to Iowa to see Gma's and Gpa's graves after a rousing game of find the grave. It's a tradition. We never remember where we planted them in that big ole cemetery, so have to branch out and look. Then, on to Minnesota the next morning. The weather up there was nice and cool compared to where I am. There, we stayed with my 78 yr old aunt, fifty something former marine cousin, their four indoor dogs and 2 cats. They are heavy smokers, so it took some getting used to. First, I felt ill but that passed. I bathed little coz what was the point? I was just gonna smell like smoke again. After several days of that, I am now addicted to second hand smoke and have to wear a nicotine patch. Just kiddin. I grew up in Wabasha, Minnesota --1973 to 1982 anyw...

Hi honeys, I am home. Did you miss me? I was on a trip up north with my mom, uncle and children. Let me process a bit and I will post.

Things have been mostly uneventful the past couple of days. I will mention here, that I have been weaning myself off of my anti-depressant, so this maybe contributing to my general lack of inspiration. Generally, I have been okay I think, despite the recent situation with visitation or lack thereof. Daughter didn't want to tell me about her father's response to her email that I posted a few days ago. She doesn't know that I have seen it, but seems to be sparing my feelings. When I asked her if he replied she shrugged and mumbled. It's one of my foibles that I am a curious and devious person who can access any account of hers that I choose. Her father knows that, so likely the email was directed toward me anyway--especially since he hit most of his favorite rants. I managed to weather that pretty well as previously mentioned. Today, I once again attempted to get my driver's license changed to my maiden name. The main issue is a name change in between from 2007 b...

Basic Dating Terms (Love & Dating: Getting A Date) Shared via AddThis

Today, I am grateful to be in my house with my children. It's wonderful to be able to wake up early, open the curtains, enjoy a clean, quiet house for a few hours. My son is 11 and daughter is 18-- off to college in August. I am so thrilled that I have been able to be with her for these last few months through this difficult time. Even with the drama, my children are happy, bouncy, full of life-- more so than they were in my absence. The house is full of light, laughter, and love. It's up to me to keep it that way. So, yesterday was a difficult day for me. But you know what? The tears didn't last long, the hysteria didn't really happen and thanks to great friends, computer guy telling me to "cut the crap" and my family I am FINE. It's too hard to be miserable when my lawn is mowed, house is clean, and I have my children and flowers. Thank you all for putting up with my "crap" too. Sure, sure, sure, I know it's not over. But it IS be...

Ok that's okay. 'm just fine. Sure a bit of crying, hyperventilating, etc. I'm fine now. Back to business. Did a few dishes, took out some trash made a little lunch-- (no,not out of a can) paid a few bills talked to the mortgage company (again) It's fine. I'm fine. We're fine. Carry on folks nothing to see here.

Dad, I am very disappointed in you. Have you forgot everything? Have you forgotten what the Lord has said? He wants us to forgive others. Bitterness is the root of all evil. I still think your are just too prideful. You are putting your selfishness and pride before your son. All it would take is a simple sentence. "I am picking up my son from oma's on friday. He will be back on monday" THATS ALL IT TAKES! NOTHING ELSE! you dont even have to verbal communication! just send her an email! thats it! so simple! you dont even have to READ HER RESPONSE for all i care!!!! I hope that someday you will learn to forgive mom. Dwelling on such hate is unhealthy. Love, C

Welp, guess that's that. I was a bad wife and am a bad mother.

C, Please understand, I do not want to have any communication with that woman, it hurts me more than you can imagine to say that to M. But I will not have that woman control me or tell me what to do. I am through with her,.. if she wants to use M to get to me so be it. If M wants to see me,... he can wait at Oma's house for me. Otherwise, she can have him and do whatever she wants,.. its her call. I have no say in it whatsoever. I can still see you coz she can't tell you what to do. You can live with me if you prefer, but I will have nothing to do with her or her family from this day on. You can't even understand the pain I'm going through now, but the hate I have for her is sooooo strong,... I'd rather not say least it offends you. So for this reason I want to move as far away as I can from her when I get the chance. 10 years of loneliness is too much for me. I want someone who will do things with me, and share the same interests. I am tired of doing things by m...

Dad, what is your problem. Are you REALLY going to wait till your son is 18 to see him again? I AM 18 AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD. To me it looks like your just too prideful to arrange seeing your son. That is very wrong. You need to get over it. This is getting ridiculous. Why am I (the CHILD) having to act like the mature ADULT while you guys act like a bunch of CHILDREN! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS! Your SON needs his FATHER. You really have NO IDEA how hard this is on me and especially on M. Atleast I'm old enough to leave and forget all of this crap, but he is still young. He NEEDS a father figure. I want you to lay down your pride and be a man. DO THE RIGHT THING. Think about your son's future. Constantly telling him all the terrible things about his mother is not good for him. It only makes matters worse. He needs you to love an nuture him, to teach him right from wrong, and you need to be a good example to him. Dad.. You really need to think ab...

dad, I cannot visit you until you make arrangments with mom. can you please email her? and did you bring my comptuer to omas yet? M Response: Its OK M,.... Mom can keep you if she wants,... you can visit me when you are 18 years old. Your computer is with Oma. I am sorry if mom is making it hard for you to visit me but that is her business. You can always email me,... I will miss you very much but I can not do anything about it. You will understand when you are older. I love you soo much M. Daddie

I need to "batten down the hatches". I need to get a grip. He would love it if I fail, if I lose the house. It's that dark place in him. It's taken him over. He is channeling his father. Kind of odd really, since his father is still alive. I guess.

My brain is chanting " oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh, what can I do what can I do what can I do my poor baby my poor baby my poor baby. " Not necessarily in that particular order. what have I done what have I done what have I done. What can I do? Help me! I cannot bear the thought of my poor son having to endure what I did. I cannot stand the thought of it I can't stand it. can't stand it.

I had a good day. Feeling better after a bit of a cold. Went to county clerk office to get a copy of divorce paper then off to SSA to get my new SS card. THEN tried to get a new driver's license but they are bein difficult. Was having a great old time runnin around with my kids. Daughter thinks I am totally crazy coz I was acting silly (Happy actually). I said well, this is HAPPY MOM. You haven't seen her for awhile. Later, son opened up a bit more about his visit with his father: Turns out that X was doing to son what he always did to me carrying on at him, not letting him sleep until son got mad and upset then, X took him out to IHOP just like he used to do to me--feed me or f@#k me. and that is when son told his dad not to talk bad about me and X said he would keep it to himself. my poor baby is being harassed. AND before son was dropped off, X made sure to give him a message for me: He said I cannot drop him off for visitation just because I have plans and he has diver...