BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Ya know, I preferred living with my mom. It was more of a partnership. Daughter is 18. Won't roll herself out of bed before 2 pm. Just expects me to run her to work whenever SHE is ready. But I have to ask for every single bit of help around here-- she is too BUSY getting ready for work, or plans to do what I ask. Guess I need to get busy just before she decides she needs a ride somewhere. I'm gonna have to go on strike. Guess that is typical of kids. The mortgage company keeps calling me, seems the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing. I talk and talk to everyone who calls. gah. Not feeling well today either--sore throat, groggy, a bit stuffy. Mom gave me money for groceries, so that is good. oh hey, I can't cry.. The guys are here to mow my lawn. YaY

May 27, 2009 Hi XXXXX, I am finally divorced with J after 20 years,.... No job and taking truck driving school. I'll be driving a semi truck for a year and save up money for my new wife whom I finally got to see in person last week in China. She was more than I bargined for,..... Still fit in her jeans when she was 20,.. she's 41 now. We will get married this coming Spring. I have never been cared for, pampered, and treated like a king she the way she treated me! I guess asian wives do know how to take good care of their man compared to white folks. Talk to you soon buddy. PS. I don't use this email any more so email me at xxxxxx@yahoo.com. Take care machang. E

Today was a long slow lazy day, but tonite was nice. There is the place in town that is my favorite---it have live music, lots of restaurants, plenty of outdoor places to walk and sit all in a very festive party atmosphere. It was still hot, but by midnite the wind picked up and it was glorious! Came home and spoke with daughter regarding her visit with X. He told her that he didn't get the job, but his mother told son on Friday that his dad was working. So which is it? Seems to me that he is hiding the fact that he is working. That really makes me upset in a way--that he would do such a thing, not provide ANYTHING for his children. Even just a hundred dollars. twenty five, ANYTHING. Thought he was beyond being able to hurt me or upset me. turns out that there is still one vulnerable spot. I will give him until July, then call my lawyer.

Saturdays, traditionally, are good days. It's really hard to go wrong with a Saturday. I slept pretty well last night--didn't get up for my usual 3 am - 5 am awake break. Nope, I slept thru to 6,just in time to keep CG (my computer guy) awake for the last hour of his overnite shift.YaY Turns out, just in time for him to distract me from hysterics too. I have been taking only half of my anti depressant dose this week -- possibly it caught up with me a bit. Yup, was busy workin myself up with how horrible some aspects of my life are but he is so sweet I got sidetracked. twice. I have decided to give up the time share/vacation club, one of my favorite things ever, for the more mature, financially viable goals of paying off other bills, keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. It's the smart thing to do and now, having made the decision, things in my brain are a bit more peaceful. Heard via son who spoke to his gma that X is working. Hopefully that means chil

Happy Friday! I went to bed pretty early last night--woke up as usual at 3 am-ish so decided to get on the computer and help keep my computer guy awake coz he is working a 7pm to 7 am shift. Watched a few shows on Hulu for the first time. Yup Hulu is good stuff. Then went back to sleep for a few hours. I was planning on goin to the SSA office today about my name change for SS card but can't find my divorce decree :( Guess I might have to go down to the County Courthouse first but it is SO stinkin hot today, I am totally lazy to go there. Maybe Monday morning..... I am totally kickin myself for changing my last name to match Xs back in 2007 when he changed his to the original Chinese name he remembers from childhood. grrr. So at work I will have changed my name twice in two years. This afternoon, I am going to drop the kids off at X's parents so they can spend the weekend with him and I can have a bit of a break. He can and should do his visitation anyway. My flowers are

Welp, today is another day! I'm feeling better today. Had my first 2nd date last night with a T'RiFiC computer guy. Le's just call him computer guy. We went for a pleasant drive, hung out at a park down near the river until it closed and continued visiting for a couple more hours. Yup sgood. Basically, we decided to spend time together, get to know each other and enjoy the whole process. Monday night we are goin out to a movie -- life is good! Meanwhile, it feels like Saturday but big mega bummer it's Thursday. Must be a good day for something! My baby is now 11 going on 50. He's a great kiddo. K, nuff for now. I need a nap I think!

I just returned from an educational seminar---boring topic, but I thoroughly enjoyed the speaker :D Feeling dejected. alone. sad. possibly hormonal. I feel abandoned by the kids' father in terms of child support. I am not sure he even cares whether or not his kids have food on their plates but loves to tell them I don't feed them properly. Also, I think I am messed up. I don't know how to be loved outside of the bed. Sex is the only love I have known. I remind myself of some little girl who has been abused and seeks affection in the only way she has experienced it. I suppose this means I need to go see a therapist. again.

Happy Father's Day to all of you who are fathers and have fathers. I miss mine. He wasn't perfect, but he was a good one.

It's good to be back home. I did have a nice time on vacation though. Every morning while the kids slept, I would have bfast on the balcony. Great view, cool breeze, very peaceful. Kids are with their father for a few days. That's good, coz they miss him.

Today, as we were leaving for vacation, we stopped by my mother-in-law's house to drop mail off for the X and to look for son's swimsuit. X was there, so I sent the kids in to say hi, smooch and hug him. They miss him and I am sure he misses them. A few minutes later, my daughter comes out SOBBING. My daughter rarely cries. I can count on two hands how many times I have seen her cry in the last 8 years. According to her, her dad was mad at her for helping me move his stuff out that last weekend when we had the problem and accused her of taking sides. I went to the door to call son and pointed out to X's mom that my daughter was in the car crying etc. anyway, a few words exchanged and X came out ordering me to leave while I was trying to be reasonable for daughter's sake. At that point, daughter screamed from the driveway telling us to stop, she can't take it anymore and fell to the ground sobbing hysterically. Yeah, I suck. I could have bit my lip longer, forced mys

My lawn got mowed today. They trimmed,cut down the trees that were growing up by my fences, took all the clutter away with them and had it down in less than an hour. It's so wonderful to see my lawn mowed and things trimmed, flowers blooming. Sure I had to pay for it, but it's totally worth it. Why didn't I do this a long time ago? Maybe my marriage wouldn't have died. If I just took over one more area, maybe two, perhaps I would still have a husband. But then again, when I think about it, how much more was I supposed to be responsible for? How much easier could I have made it on him? Bills, taxes, paperwork, cooking, childcare, laundry, all things unpleasant and stressful were done by me---even looking after his mother when needed. Last time we were together on speaking terms, I had a guy over spraying for bugs inside, out upstairs, down. X said to me, "I would have done it for a tank of gas!" I just looked at him. I am not doing things for everyone a

I feel sorry for my son. His father has not made contact to pick him up for this weekend's visitation. Either that is meant to hurt me, or X is mad at his son for cutting last weekend's short. His own father was a lousy dad. I'm surprised that X is willing to do the same to his own son by ignoring him. When my daughter emailed X, asking for a way to contact him, he told her to call his mother---who WON'T answer the phone when we call. SO, no way to contact him. It's really his responsibility to want to see his children or not. I am not chasing him around to tell him he needs to. Still, it sux for my babies. When they hurt, I hurt.

Okay, welp had my first bad experience with meeting a new date. Thankfully it wasn't the actual meeting that was the problem, it was his deciding to yell at me later.... when I ignored him, it turned nasty and personal.

After reading Sage's comment on my previous post, let me clarify: I was not complaining that my twenty year marriage was one long booty call. On the contrary, that is what kept it going so long. I enjoyed it. However,the reason I left him was because he was telling his internet girlfriends that I was a bad wife because of my weight. AND he was proposing to other women on the internet, planning on leaving me, etc.

Okay, for those of you who read this and get concerned---that poem was from a mood that lasted about five minutes. No, I haven't fallen back into the self-pity permanently. Sometimes though, for poetry sake, when you have a mood and an idea you just gotta go with it! I've been feeling a bit under the weather physically this week. I'll probably need to make an appt. to see the doctor. Looks like rain today, which I don't mind a bit. Bring it on, baby! I haven't been very productive this week--due to staying up WAY too late and not feeling all that well. Other than that, I am happy. I have also decided, for the record, that I am not interested in going into a relationship based on sex only. That was my marriage. If a guy wants just that, he is gonna have to keep on walking. I would like a man to appreciate me for who I am as a person--about my past, present, and future (whether or not he plans on being in it!). Friendship, loyalty, caring, companionship and com

Give me my tears that leak from my eyes puddling around my breasts. Give me my soft sobs echoing in my empty room bouncing off my lonely bed. Give me my sadness, sorrow rising up from my belly pushing against my ribs. Give me my moment to feel the ache, the grief, the guilt until I open my eyes, my mouth and let it pour out to fill the empty room. When it gets to be too much, I will open the window and let it all flow away. jkb 6-10-09

Was a beautiful morning---woke up late, opened the curtains, blinds, etc. Walked through my newly cleaned living room that has more room now that X took his junk. Fed the dogs, watered flowers, made breakfast, coffee, sat down to the laptop. Then, SallieMae called regarding X's student loan I co-signed for. The lady was being difficult even after I explained that I get no alimony, have yet to receive any child support, have barely enough to pay two mortgages and keep a roof over my children's head, food on the table, etc. She was transferring me to a supervisor and the connection went down. I got cut off. Cried for a few, then decided to forgo the whole crying hysterical deal, suck it up and call em back. I did so and while being transferred again, something weird happened and I ended up with a busy signal. Well, I am NOT calling again today. They can call me back when they are ready I guess. Finished bfast and then read one of my favorite blogs . Yeah it was a hot post t

Figured I needed to get a post up even though I am tired this morning. I had a pleasant dinner with a gentleman from Savannah Georgia last night. He drives truck and comes here once a week or once in awhile. That was a very nice first date. I'm thinking he will call again :) Will let you know. Another guy friend who was my second First Date (big teddy bear) has remained a friend and we had been talking on the phone regularly until two weeks ago, finally contacted me yesterday. Apparently he has been going through some depression, etc. So, we had a nice visit on the phone. I have no money left until Tuesday next week. That's kinda scary. Daughter may have to give me some gas money---I use most of my gas driving her back and forth anyway. When I went to sign the final divorce papers with X, I wrote out two post dated checks to finish paying off the lawyer. Since I was a bit emotional, angry, etc at that moment I miscalculated when my pay periods are. WHOOPS> I haven&#

I have still been corresponding with my new Japanese friend --his previous internet gf. She is a very special person with a good heart. She says she is going to leave my Facebook, but I hope she won't. It doesn't matter if he ever knows. What does it matter? This is what I told her today: You are a very special person, K. I am not looking for a husband, just enjoying meeting different men and learning about them. Some day, I hope to have one special one, but right now I am having fun. It's a good day K. Being free of him is a good thing. Even so, I would rather have stayed his wife but he made that impossible. And now, I am happier than I have ever been. Yesterday was a horrible scene at the house, but he pushed me too far. One of the good results is that he has removed everything from the house that was his and I have more room :) It was a good thing my brother was there. He would not allow X to get close to me physically or speak to me in a rude fashion. X is

Okay a bit of drama on the X side. I had been allowing him to come and get his stuff out of the garage, sell what he could at a garage sale, etc. I had a prior agreement with the neighbor to buy the craftsman radial saw. When I went out to see what X was moving, the saw was gone. He knew I had an agreement with the neighbor and took the saw anyway. That pissed me off. I demanded that he return it and when he refused, I ordered him off the property --- I yelled, made a scene. I don't care who knows ---let the neighbors look! He is Asian though so hates that. All the more reason to yell, I say!. He wanted his things, threatened to take the refrigerator, my bed, etc and went off to get a Uhaul truck. I called my baby brother and mother. I hauled everything that was his out of the house and piled it on the front lawn because no way is he coming back into my house. Then under the supervision of my brother, he was able to get anything he wanted out of the garage minus a few n

It's a great day. Sun shining, gentle breeze cooling the air---I'm happy to be alert, alive, content in the moment. I had a date last night which somewhat made up for Wednesday's fiasco--was an expensive date for that guy dollarwise and mildly aggravating for me. Even so, I came out on the better side of it I think. Today, I am gardening and visiting with my neighbors. Suddenly now that the grass is mowed, the yard is relatively clean, I am beginning to enjoy my backyard for the first time EVER. I decided that those annuals that have been waiting to be planted will go in the backyard. The dogs have dug so many holes out there, I might as well use them for something good---especially along the fence. After I get finished, I will take a picture for u. The kindly older gentleman neighbor offered to come help me do some more trimming in my yard and was telling me that my roof is in DESPERATE need of being replaced. I've known that and avoided thinking about it for

3 a.m. and I am awake for a bit. Will climb back in bed in a few, but wanted to give you an update. The musical was good, the date, not so much. :( Good lookin guy but not much of a gentleman. Gonna throw that one back.

I'm doing well. My house is coming together nicely---have people coming twice a month to mow and trim, etc, have pest control guys coming to spray, my flowers are looking great--Xhusband is keeping his distance YaY I have a date to go to see The Drowsy Chaperone tomorrow so am anxiously trying to think about what to wear. Last night, I had a date with a former all American college foot ball player. mrawr. He still looks good. I liked him and hope for a second date. Meanwhile, first dates are still keeping me busy! Son locked my car keys in my car last night so his father had to come rescue us. I didn't ask for rescuing--was prepared to pay a guy to come and open my door but I am happy to have saved the money. While waiting, X gave me a footrub. lol. He made a point of telling me to call him if I need a "massage". yeah rite. lol. I thanked him for his help though. So, meanwhile, my house is clean and looking good. I'm feeling great!