BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

I just woke up from a bad dream this morning. I dreamed that I was in a new house with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Technically, it wasn't him, but I would recognize him anywhere! He was following me around, bugging me, not letting me get away from him--pounding on doors, getting too close, tugging at me basically harassing me as he did for so many years when we would have a fight---often late at night until the wee hours. As I said before, during our twenty year marriage,it used to happen once every so many months but toward the end was happening 2 or 3 nights a week. The only way to stop him was to get hysterical. Then, he would put me to bed and likely leave me alone. Anything less than hysterical would mean that he would bug me bug me bug me trying to "make up" basically forcing me to have sex. If I didn't, it would usually go on into the early hours of the morning. Worst part, was that toward the end I was recovering from a serious case of anemia, was depresse

I hate you. For 20 damn years you put me to sleep holding me caressing me smoothing my hair. You told me you loved me in your sleep! You don't want to be my husband anymore Keep your damn hands off of me. No put them back Stop touching me Please touch me I hate you I miss you I want to die I want to find someone new I don't want to see you I miss you Stop holding my hand Stop rubbing my shoulders A little further to the left Don't touch me Group hug I hate you Are you taking your medicine? I hate you. You suck.

January 23, 2009 Reality Bites Current mood: tired Yesterday, I told one colleague that I am getting divorced. Today, I told another. No big public announcement, just small individual admissions. I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder. Last night, I went to a divorce recovery group at a church other than my own. It was a scary thought to walk into a room full of strangers in an unfamiliar setting, but I did it. Everyone seemed to be a decade or so older than I am. What first struck me though was the fact that I have had very little social interaction with non-Asians in the past 20 years, very little social interaction period. My little world revolved around my husband, children and computer. All other brief social contact took place at work or church. It felt very strange, scary, uncomfortable. When the leader mentioned that we should hang out, go out on friendly outings in groups or with the opposite sex, I just about jumped up and ran out of the room. That is SO not me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009 Still clearin' out stuff Current mood: annoyed I went to the marital residence to get my teak wood desk, comfy chair, etc. He was a bit disgruntled, probably coz didn't let him know I was coming and bringing my brother who has a truck and strong muscles. I'm still aggravated today though. He's so busy trying to find my replacement. It's annoying.

Saturday, January 17, 2009 I hate you Current mood: angry At the moment, I hate you. You tore my life in half.

Friday, December 26, 2008 Restarting My Life Current mood: peaceful Welcome to my new life! After 20 years of marriage, I am restarting my life. I've rarely been the one to initiate change, but when it is thrust upon me, I tend to adapt. Even so, I have had too many changes in the past decade that have brought me to this point. No longer able to adapt to my circumstances if I want to live, I have turned my life and that of my children upside down. Actually it wasn't just me... we were going belly up anyway. So, here I am---a 41 yr old mother of two living with her mother and shuffling the kids back and forth to their father. This whole separation thing is new to me. I have been doing this separation thing for about two months. At first, I was very torn and confused---after all, I have stuck with the marriage thing for twenty years in spite of difficult circumstances. In all that time, I had never left the house during an argument because I knew it was a BIG thing and I was co