BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Shortly after my previous post, he got me. First, in IM then on the phone. Same ole stuff but now is making out that I "wasn't there for him", not the other way around, so of course its MY fault. I don't know if I have the strength to go through all this. Most of the time, I am so glad to be rid of him but then something happens and I have a melt down. Have I mentioned that I do not like roller coasters? Seems like I am stuck on one, like it or not, for the foreseeable future. Today, I was busy taking care of college paperwork for my daughter and financial disclosure stuff for my lawyer. That started me off. Then husband is still in the running for that job in Florida so had a thing for that today. A voice in the back of my head started to wail and sob----"DON"T LEAVE ME!!!!!" That's the voice of the young woman who married him, followed him around the world and back, stayed with him through so many problems for twenty years. Sometimes it ge

This is a HAPPY weekend. My daughter spent last night and will spend tonight with me. She didn't have to work, so here she is! It's just great having her here. Pretty soon she is going to college--plans on moving into the dorms for the summer. So really, I only have a month or so left with her--where I can command her presence. Once she is out on her own, I will merely be able to request. Of course, this wasn't a command appearance but a requested one. YaY.

Sorry about the few days of silence. I have been waiting for something wonderful to happen, some great new insight, some miraculous healing of all my angst and woe. Since none of that has happened YET, here I am in the interim, back with all my issues! : ) Monday, we found out that one of our friends had passed away suddenly from a major heart attack at the age of 43 leaving behind 3 children under 16 and a wife. Yesterday, we went to his memorial service. I went with my daughter and Ex decided to sit apart from us--a bit unexpected, but welcome. It was actually the best memorial service I have ever been to--the family each recorded a clip about their father/husband sharing best memories, etc. The wife's was at the very end and it was funny, sweet, wonderful. Amazing. Of course, being the self-absorbed person that I seem to have become lately, I did manage to make my crying about my own problems :/ Watching the picture slideshow--17 years of their life together, hugging, l

You know one sucky birthday is enough. Why do we have to do it again? Family party for me today --- My bday was the 14th. This party doesn't include my children either. Both are out of town. Seems like all my important days are spent without them now. dammit.

Yesterday, I went out of town with my son and ex. I know, I know, it seems strange that I would. However, it's my vacation, so I was in the mood for a road trip. PLUS, who knows how many more opportunities we will have for a "family outing". My daughter is on a mission trip this week so it was just the three of us. The excuse for the day trip was that he had purchased a Windows 2006 Office Suite on Craig's list for 20 dollars, having bargained the guy down from $30. So we drove several hours to pick it up. Crazy, I know--his idea. When we arrived at the laundromat, the man was a biker dude type who called my ex "Hoss" and spoke, among other things, of his unique ability to get arrested based on his appearance alone. Frankly, I kind of thought he was hawt until he laughed---the laugh was a sharp Disney Goofy-esque one. lol. Anyway, he said for all the trouble he would take ten dollars instead of twenty. We promptly spent the difference on lunch which w

It's a beautiful day here. The sun is warm, the breeze cool. It's the kind of weather that makes me want to throw off my clothing and lie drowsing with the sunshine forming kaleidoscopic patterns inside my eyelids, feeling the wind's soft caress against my body. In so doing, I am transported back to my teens, preteens, childhood---days like this spent on a blanket dreaming of boys, spent lying in the sun with my head pillowed on my pregnant dog's tummy, spent napping where the sun shone into the cool of the house by the screen door. This is a day of dreams. It is impossible to be sad on days like these. Days like these are for nostalgia, hope, promises, and possibilities. I wish I had a camera to capture the lace curtains blowing in the window beside me, the delicate violas beginning to blossom in the pot on the step, the busy bees humming around the dandelions on the lawn. Unfortunately, I don't. So for the time being, my words must suffice with a few picture

Remember my first cell phone stashing story ? Well it just keeps getting better. A few weeks ago, I went out of town with my family. In the car, I was telling my mom about the aforementioned cell phone stashing incident, which she thought was odd. Of course. I guess it came up because I was in the passenger seat with her cell phone making calls for her. When we arrived at the hotel and were getting ready for a banquet she wanted her phone back, but I told her I already gave it back. We disagreed. A few seconds later when I was in the other room I happened to look down. Yeah you guessed it. Sheepishly, I emerged into the main room, removed the phone from my cleavage and handed it to her. *giggle* SO, this stashing business is getting out of hand. I need to stop it. The other day, I found out that storing two sharpened pencils, tips up, in between my boobs is a bad idea. What would I say in the emergency room? Umm, ahh, I was just... . Just yesterday, I left the house to go to t

Went to the house around lunchtime and chewed Ex out (he was sleeping--the house was all smoky from something he burned, the dogs were in, doors were open). Gave him lectures, notes, and a test! Get help, get help, get help was the refrain of the day. Do it for your children. Who is gonna want you if you're a mess? Get yourself out of bed, clean up this place, get some counseling, get out of debt, and fix yourself!!! The place is a pit. Looks like a dumping ground. Filled up three garbage bags with stuff while I was there, straightened up the living room, took a lamp and more photo albums. It's pathetic. Looks like I am gonna have to go in and help out with getting rid of junk. It was clean when I left, honest. I spent days making sure it was. Who asked him to drag everything out into the middle of the room and leave it? Apparently he cannot do it himself. I don't want to, but I can't stand to think of my kids in that mess or him in that mess either. Just wanna

I hate him. I hate hating. I don't do it normally. But now, I'm alternating between so many emotions. I'm sorry. This totally sucks. It's worse than anything else I have ever experienced in my life. This whole thing makes me not want to go on. Yet I have to. At least if he had died, I would know what to expect. Grief is nothing new. I can do it. This is WAY beyond that. My brain is going ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh ohmigosh. When it's not doing that, there is a silent scream echoing, reverberating. Everything comes off to me as rejection at the moment. I HATE THAT TOO! I'm depressed. HOW CAN I BE DEPRESSED WHEN I AM ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS? Do I need tranquilizers? Give me something please. And you know what? It would totally help me if ya'll could stop holding hands, kissing, leaning on each other in public. Is that too much to ask? Really?

I'm taking my maiden name back. I was telling this to my mom when my ten-yr-old piped up and said I should, that he wouldn't mind. Wow, I didn't expect that but he is sure. What a boy! I always liked my maiden name, so if I have to be single for any period of time I'd rather have that than a constant reminder of what I no longer have--truly a new beginning. All day, my insides have felt quivery, as if I were holding on by a thread. I took a four hour nap, so maybe that is better now. When opening my email today, sure enough there was another email from that daily divorce thingamajiggy---right on track, pinning down the emotion that I have been dealing with the last couple of days: rejection. This is not the same as losing a spouse to death; it's worse. I'm going to be okay. Accepting myself, allowing myself to feel every fleeting emotion, taking time to grieve: ultimately it comes down to God and me. I need to get things right for me. My anonymous friend wa

Hey, it's me again! I'm feeling a bit better. Looks like I will focus on getting well and that will mean stick with groups, not worry about men, develop positive friendships. I have always had a blog since 1999ish. My ex never bothered to read how I was feeling about things, even though he knew I was putting it all out there. The only feelings that mattered were those that might prevent him from getting laid. That is something that I am not going to tolerate ever again. One of my conditions for ever getting involved again is that the man care enough about me to see who I am, where I have been and how I got here. That might mean reading my blog, asking a few questions, etc. Someone who cares about me enough as a person to make sure that I am okay, not just make sure the coast is clear for bumpin boots. Ya kno what I'm sayin? And actually, I prefer that he read about it all and get back to me if he is still interested. :D Is that egotistical of me? PS. (Also, it's pre

I'm not feeling great today. Yesterday was my birthday--apparently unbeknownst to my ex and children. My mom and sister remembered. My sis was very kind to bring us lunch and me a prezzie or two. My mom and siblings will have a party for me next weekend I think. I am tempted to withdraw from the singles things that I am involved with. OR, at least stick to the meetings and not to the social side of things. I don't feel like anyone is interested in me as a person--I'm feeling badly about myself. Maybe I will limit my groups to the ones associated with church which actually they all are but one and even that one is in a church. I'm depressed I suppose but what else is new. At least I am not feeling that I don't want to live. Bright side there I guess. I know that if I keep up with this kind of attitude, ya'll will prolly get sick of me too. Heck, I am kinda sick of myself. ((yes, I know I am a bundle of self-pity this morning...)) Prior to all this, I never

My children are always a source of joy. Here are a few pics of my 2002 spring flowers and my son, who is "watching the wind." (very typical of something I used to do as a child)

I haven't written for a few days. Sometimes my emotions change so quickly, it's too much trouble to put them down here. Others, I feel like I have nothing worthwhile or positive to say. Yesterday, I had to pick up my sister at 5 pm which gave me an hour and a half to kill while waiting. I went to his house and took a nap. Of course he wrapped himself around me, so basically I slept in his arms. It didn't feel like a big deal at the time--it was only a nap. I'm thinking now that it was a mistake. Last night, I went to a divorce care class about moving on. I enjoyed it, but afterwards, I didn't want to go out with them. I just went to my car and cried thinking that no one will ever want me, love me, why do I even bother trying to do all this, it's too early for me to even think about men. Today, during a school assembly, I happened to glance over at a couple who were recording their student's performance. The wife was behind the husband with her arm

A bitter ending to a sweet day--figures. Got up early, went to financial peace class with daughter. Took her out to eat at nice Italian restaurant. Enjoyed visiting and eating. YaY. Picked up some stuff from his house. Visited with mom, pet the cat, took a nap. Worked on taxes, -- joint file yet. Called him for info. Called him with info on refund.two thou ish Planned on splitting it fifty-fifty. yeah rite. I forgot about his familial trait of going crazy when money is involved. Wants me to pay for half the house taxes. I explained my reasons why I didn't feel I needed to. He threatened to be vindictive and hateful. I decided 500 difference wasn't enough for me to mess up my somewhat amicable divorce. (It doesn't matter that he is the one who wants the house, is living in the house, etc. It doesn't matter that I pay 5000 a year out of my salary for the kids education and have done so for 7 years. It doesn't matter that I am paying 2000 for the divorce that he wan

During my Wednesday night group, the leader was talking about the difference between men's allocation of points and the female's. According to him, men give themselves high points for things they do. Made the bed? 2000 points! Picked up my underwear? 1000 pts! Put my dish in the sink? 500 points. Meanwhile the woman doesn't do it that way. He said that, for example, the man will bring his lady one red rose. She will smile, exclaiming, "oh thank you!!) *ding* So the man thinks "WOW, if I got that reaction for one rose, what if I buy a dozen?" So he does and she smiles, exclaiming "oh thank you!!! :) *ding* Then the man is confused. He thought more flowers would equal more *ding*s as we will call them. So he picks a restaurant, buys flowers, plans a romantic evening thinking this is SURE to bring him more *ding*s She smiles, exclaiming "oh thank you!!!:)) *ding* So the reaction is the same each time. The leader then suggested, why not

I was feeling a bit out of sorts on Tuesday. My mother and son were having issues getting along. Nonetheless, I decided to go to this new group. Driving over a scenic hilly area, a deer ran in front of my and I slammed on my brakes, swerved hard and just clipped it. The deer was fine but my brakes that were already grinding turned to a constant grind. I made it to baby daddy's house, but of course he was gone. I decided I'd wait there for him to return and have him take me home. It sucked being there... couldn't hack into his computer coz he put a password on as I had advised him to do. bumPers! So, I then got sad. Life sux, no husband, who's gonna help me wah wah wah.. called by baby bro and as usual, he came to rescue me and take me home.. Even sounded like he would fix them for me YaY. The next day I had made transportation arrangements to and from work but found out that baby daddy was gonna come get us and had been going to places pricing parts for my car. I wa

1. There is no gravity. I can be free to float like a butterfly without care or worry. My breasts are firm, backside tight, skin-- lovely. I can change the color and style of my hair at will. 2. I can be a child. I can do silly gestures until I drive people insane. I can wear any article in my inventory all over my body at the same time until I look like a pile of junk. Then I can dance! Some of my best times: I teeter-tottered with the grim reaper on a banana. For St. Patricks day, I wore a leprechaunesque outfit and sat on my pot of gold at the end of my own personal rainbow. Every day for a couple weeks! I dressed like a big banana with sunglasses, a fruit hat, and cookie monster slippers--and did a dance. Speaking of dancing, I can dance for hours without getting tired. 3. No-strings socialization I can meet people from all over the world, speak with them, dance with them and if they annoy me, mute them! :) 4. There is a power button. If things stop being fu

Darn, just when I think I am okay. I spent an hour or so crying this afternoon. I could feel it coming on too. My brain was running around like a rat in a cage and I kept having to remember to breathe. I took my meds, not late either. Everything seemed hopeless---what am I doing; why am I doing it; I'm so stupid; this is too hard; I just want to crawl under my bed and hide; ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh; why do I go to those classes; they are not going to help me; no one will want me; I'm middle-aged, unattractive, unfit. Yeah it went on and on. I'm okay now I guess, just groggy.

I am okay. Things are good. I had the house to myself most of Saturday after returning from out of town. I was pretty tired, so slept a lot. Later, my son and his father came to pick me up for lunch. Baby's daddy walked straight into my bedroom like he owned the place. Saw a candy bar wrapper. " You've been eating candy!" umm well duh! "I thought you were on a program" (puzzled voice. pffft huh?) "Pffft me? Nawww, I am not on a stinkin program. I can eat chocolate whenEVER I want and you don't get to fuss about it" YaY. "Chocolate enhances my mood" yeah, I am addicted. When he went out of my room leaving his cell phone on my bed, I peeked at the texts. yeah u kno I did. pfft Of CoURSe. "Rose Wang, will you marry me?" "Will you marry me, Rose Wang?" "Will you marry me, Rose Wang?" That's the China girl. I know for a fact he asked the Japanese gf to marry him too. Prolly a few more. Covering al