BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Baby brother's rock. He is the one on Mom's lap. Here is an email he wrote to X after hearing about last weekend's behavior. woot. Dear X, Going forward, I have a few simple rules, and expect them to be followed. If there is any more foolishness, I am going to speak with you. I am quite upset, and will not be flexible on any of these points. You will not enter the house uninvited. You will return all copies of keys you have made. In any future interaction you have with my sister, you will speak respectfully and behave honorably. Julie has right to security. If she desires, she may ask for another family member to be present during any interaction with you. If she does, you will immediately stop speaking, leave the house and wait for someone to arrive. I have no more patience for this, so expect zero tolerance from me. J's baby brother

Life feels pretty good right now. Son is with his father until tomorrow; daughter is working; I spent a lovely time walking in the park last night with a gentleman. My marine (Army guy actually) I call him the Marine. Anyway, he said he is just friends with me. That's fine. He's a good guy. Friends are good to have. I have had several first dates, no second dates but I really like it. Dating seems fun at the moment. My daughter is a bit dismayed that I am going out on a Saturday night while she is sitting home. It's okay though, her time will come. Things suck for X right now---living with his parents, out of work, his "fiancee" lives in China. AND his Xwife is dating. YaY me. I'm trying to sell things out of the garage to help cover the bills he racked up on the house. He won't like it but tuff. One condition of his getting to stay as long as he did was that he paid utilities, etc. He didn't. Lol, I just had the best chat with a young guy co

I am officially divorced. I admit, I did shed a few tears on my way out of the courthouse. Seems that divorce court is a busy place---mostly with marriages that lasted way less than mine did. I think it's sad. Came home and my kids were gone. Turns out, he got kicked out of truck driving school and is back in town :(. Guess he got the message coz he refuses to speak to me on the phone. He had the kids with him at his mother's. However, he is supposed to make arrangements not just take them. I was looking forward to his absence. Not thrilled that he is back. Oh well, that's the way it is, I guess. Looking forward to relaxing a bit.

Things are going well. I am feeling good. Financially, I need to get my act together though, to sit down figure out my budget, bills and stick to it. Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. Today should be my last day of work if I can finish everything. If not, I will go in on Monday to finish it all---then my summer break begins. YaY. Today, I go to court for sure to finish the divorce. I have been exchanging messages with X's Japanese gf. Like me, she is having a hard time understanding it all. here is what I told her this morning: I have known forever that he says things he doesn't mean--especially when he is angry. I learned long ago to never trust his words because they changed too often. However, I believed his actions. When I realized his actions were false, I no longer believe him at all. The reason he wants to keep you, to keep me, to keep others is for insurance. If his new plans do not work out, then he will come back. However, I am no longer available to him. I b

Yesterday was a great day. Emotionally, I am doing very well. Now that there is another woman and family in the picture, I feel free to stop being concerned. His health, income, general well being are no longer MY priority. It's up to him to keep himself healthy for his new family, or not. That feels quite liberating. If worry pops into my head, I just tell it -- that is no longer MY business. What a relief! His Japanese gf contacted me via Facebook and we are now friends. Yes, I know that is a bit unusual, but it's not her fault he has serious issues. It's now the Chinese fiancee's deal. Poor thing, I'm thinking she really has no idea what she is getting into. I had a very nice date with a different guy friend on Monday--last minute. We enjoyed playing the Wii for a bit and going to see Star Trek. Didn't have much time due to my parental responsibilities but just enough to make up for the rest of the weekend. YaY. That was another first date, btw. I hop

I'm feeling better. He's gone for now. I laid down the rules and seems like he listened for now. It's going to be a shock for him--was a shock for him. The one person in his whole life who loved him no matter what, who cared about him as a person no matter what has suddenly stopped being his friend. (Oh, I still care about him and am concerned for his welfare. However, I need space to recover and this has to be the way until that happens. ) I know... I'm a softy. Did I mention that I had even packed food for him to take? I KNOW! me = goober. But he didn't take it. Guess that was coz he'd gotten a couple hundred off his daughter. After Wednesday, I will be legally back to my maiden name and be single again. I'm not as scared as I was. Financially, I am a bit tho. Of course, who knows what I may feel tomorrow. But TODAY, TODAY is a good day. Good thing about being single: I can set my drink down and know that it will still be there whenever I get back to

Whew, another update. If I didn't have anonymous virtual people to tell all this, I dunno what would happen. OK. Here goes. After church, mom suggested I spend the day with her since X would be getting his stuff at the house. I said okay, but stupid me, swung by the house to get a couple things first. X immediately came in for a hug. I put a hand up and told him not to touch me. *first thing to piss him off. Then, I told him he had 30 days from the day the divorce is finalized (Wednesday) to get his things out of the house and garage. *second thing to piss him off. He then commenced yelling. I wasn't. Threatened to get me fired. Started threatening to make me sell the house (only debt, no equity) gonna take my fridge, gonna take the bed, gonna take this that, the other. coz its ALL his I guess. I said fine, take it all and get out. Then, the usual excuses: I don't have an income. I can't pay for a storage. I need more time. You had enough money to get your butt

Last night: Was so angry as previously mentioned, I couldn't think straight.  I took my frustrations out by pounding doors with my fists.  Made the anger go away, but I'm pretty sore now.  Conclusion--pounding things really does release anger.  Son recommends pillows next time.  I concur.  After that: Sick with cold Arms aching Meltdown Told by guy friend:  You are damaged goods. You need to fix up yourself, stand on your own, etc before you are ready for a new relationship.  Then maybe u will be marketable.  I think I forgot to tell him I am clinically depressed and occasionally lacking a desire to live.  He's a former Marine.  tells it like it is.  Meltdown escalated.  Called my mom to come over.  Meltdown subsided coz mom was coming. Guess I need to call her more often. Had taken Nyquil for cold so she was out there with son. She gave X a talking to when he got back. He came in woke me up and was talking to me.  I don't remember much. Something about he wants me to b

I have been gritting my teeth and putting up with him. In my house. Too long. Too many seconds, minutes, hours. Hanging out. Being here. Was tolerable. kind of. But after everyone left the graduation reception and he had his nap. Things went south. Guess it started with a phone call from my guy friend. The one who took me out on a great first date complete with flowers but hasn't asked for a second. Instead I get some phone conversation which is a pleasant distraction. Apparently at 19, I was a hussy who threw myself at him---X was a victim at the young age of 27. poor guy. Get out of my room. This conversation is over. End of discussion. He's found someone to make him happy. He is going to marry her in the spring. Nice of me to pay for the divorce, push it through so he could marry her . I'm not sure why, but I was FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUS. With admirable restraint, I told him to stop talking to me. I didn't care. I don't need to hear details. He can d

Signed final divorce papers today with lawyer. Some wrangling by Ex. pissed me off. "Why are you so mad" "I thought you were okay with this" I am not okay with this (bastard) "It's going to be okay" No it's not. (rubbing my back soothingly while waiting for copies to print) I feel like biting off his hand and sticking it down his throat. Is that irrational? Fine,whatever. Taking a pill going to bed.

"Ur just mad because I found someone better than you" Everyone is better than me. "Ur so vindictive" No, not being vindictive.... "I don't want to get on your bad side" Umm maybe you shouldn't have started proposing to other women while still my husband? "I'm know how you can be. You can be so vindictive. I'm scared of getting on your bad side." Uhh what? "You have so much anger.." "What guy are you going to have move in here?" I don't have a guy. "There must be a guy. You can't afford this place by yourself." If I had a guy paying for this place, he'd be here living with me now. "Let me rub your feet. This is therapy" "You know as long as I am single, I will always take care of you." "You have a good heart. I told Rose that. I wouldnt have stayed with you if you weren't a good person" "You are a kind hearted person" "What did you tell them

He's back from his China trip. I arranged for my bro in law to pick him up, my daughter to ride along, for Ex to stay at my mom's house, dropped son off this morning to spend time with dad before he leaves again. Came home midday to a very pissed off Ex because I changed the door locks. He had access via my daughter's key but he was on a rampage. Had made a new key for himself, determined to get nasty etc kept accusing me of being vindictive.... said I was just jealous because he found someone better than me. Started listing things in the home that belonged to him, threatening to sue for half, force me to sell or be foreclosed on, etc. I didn't go back to work--called and said I had a personal problem. I didnt allow him to make me angry. I just kept pointing out that if I were vindictive, I wouldnt have arranged for his transportation and lodging, wouldnt have put up with him for twenty years, nor his family. Told him he could take whatever he wanted and get out

Today is a beautiful day--the sun is shining, there is a coolness to the air, the birds are chirping. I have my sliding door open, curtains drawn back, bringing light into the house. This morning I got the kids out of bed to go to the 9 am service (no easy task). Daughter has been going out, staying out late with her friends. I look at her everyday and think how beautiful she is with her long black hair, groomed eyebrows, dark brown eyes. She is gorgeous, smart, talented and wise beyond her years in many ways. She is going to graduate this week. It's strange but I still remember bringing her home from the hospital, her first bath, ,the first time I rushed her to the doctor, the little face she made when my nursing breast was near. Always, she seemed older than her years; always she has challenged me with her energy, her ambition, her thirst for knowledge and new things. It always seemed easier to let her rush ahead on her own, trailing after her, sometimes getting sidetracked

I planted my geraniums. They smell terrible but are pretty flowers. Everything about divorce recovery says that I should be content to be single before I can get back in a relationship. pffft. dunno about that. Maybe I will try to think of one good thing about it every day. Here goes: One good thing about being single is that I am not having to arrange my time around another adult's. I can wake up when I want to, clean house when I feel like it, stop and take a break whenever---there is no one to please but myself. There, how's that for starters? My son needed toilet paper just now. When I went to give it to him---his little hand stuck through the door, I remembered when he was a baby. He used to lie outside the bathroom door and stick his baby fingers under it when I was in there. Babies and toddlers really just want to be where mom is or have ready access to her. A locked door is almost intolerable for them. I miss my babies sometimes.

Came home from school and had a nice long nap. Nothing like a nap to cure what ails ya! Plus, my lawn is done. I am SO happy about that. I paid for it, but it was worth it!

He really thought I should pick him up at the airport, let him sleep on the sofa, best of friends. At this point, I am not his friend. I got hysterical after that call. Full blown hysterical. The worst I have been to date including after my dad passed and when I was being emotionally abused. Realizing it wasn't going to go away, that it was becoming dangerous for me, I called my daughter down to bring me a tranquilizer pill--the whole one this time. Unfortunately I just kept sobbing until I fell asleep. It just devastates me to the bone that the person who was most important in my life for over twenty years has completely rejected me, tossed me aside, yet wants to be my best friend. No, I don't think so. Amazingly, I made it to school today--groggy and numb but I am here. TGIF

I had a brief meltdown at work today. Forgot to take my pill yesterday so guess it caught up with me. Thankfully a friend talked me down so that helped. Even so , it was still a blue fog day for me. Then, just when I was feeling a bit better, he called from China. I listened with half an ear to how wonderful it was blah blah blah until he started yapping about my past relationship with him---when it got to the he shouldn't have married me part, I blasted him with both barrels and told him I don't ever wanna have to listen to that crap again. After that, handed the phone to Chelsea who was in her room.

I feel guilty for telling people he went to China to meet his internet gf. Why is that? Is it wrong for me to tell people that? It's only when they ask me... I'm not looking forward to his return to the area. Overheard in class today: Shut up or I'll stick you on my scrotum! ummm what did you say? (14 yr old repeats statement uncertainly) He does, modifying it with ---what does scrotum mean anyway?? Just to gain sympathy for what I have to deal with, I run him to the office and make him repeat it to the discipline guy. "But Mrs. B, I didn't kno!!! They changed the Biology books this year!" umm what, they decided scrotums were passe' and did away with them? I'm selling some of Ex's stuff to help pay bills. Hiring someone to come in and clean up the back yard.

It's a beautiful night tonite. There is a chill wind blowing---it feels so wonderful to be out in. I took the garbage out to the curb and stayed there, leaning against my car, feeling the wind against my skin,the fresh smell of spring and the flowering bush from my back yard, listening to the dogs bark nearby. As I enjoyed the night air, I wished that I had someone with me to cuddle up to, to hold, to kiss. It's nice to dream :) My mom gave me a rosebush to plant in the front of my house as a sign of a new beginning for my life. Also below are flowers brought to me by a gentleman who took me out on a date the other night. It was a wonderful evening. YaY

I love long naps on a cloudy rainy day. Even more, waking up slowly amidst my cozy bedding in my favorite hand carved teak bed. YaY

I haven't wanted to plant flowers for YEARS! But I just did. YaY! I really hate getting my hands dirty but I LOVE to see flowers there. They perk me up. For some reason the petunia picture turned sideways when I uploaded it. hmmm dunno why.

What is he doing now? Is everything okay? Does she like him? Does he like her? Does he realize what he has done to his family? Will he have enough money while he is there? Has he contacted ANYONE to let them know he is okay? Is he thinking of his children or of me at all? Does he feel guilty? When will this all be over? What is going to happen to me? How come I just can't be happy all the time instead of on some stupid rollercoaster of conflicting emotions? Did I do the right thing? Will my kids be okay? Can anyone ever love me? Will I ever love myself? I have a multitude of questions but no answers.

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Hey things are grapes! Once the initial shock wore off, I've been getting busy and at it. Plus, I am doing it for ME and for the kids, so it makes a world of difference. No one watching me or criticizing me. YaY. I feel like a mom again :) The kids seem very happy to have me home. Daughter is bouncing around talking as is son. AND they seem to be happy to clean up and work together etc. Feels great. I didn't need to take the other pill and didn't have a pity party either. YaY. happy happy. smooch.

Slight problem with my mood swing. I was enjoying the euphoria of previous post content when I fell off the swing into the chilly waters of reality. Oh yes. Okay basically I forgot his HUGE issues with cleaning, organizing, sorting through things. I was very optimistic that just this once he would be able to!!!! not.Oh well so the place is a mess. A HUGE HONKIN DUNNO WHERE TO START mess. Every room, plus yard, refrigerator and garage. YaY me. So, anyhoo, I have been busy trying to tackle this after moving way more things than i thought I had or ever really wanted back from mom's where I have been staying for seven months. I couldn't get it all, so will have to go back today. Emotionally, I am doing surprisingly well. So, maybe my swing didn't totally break. YaY me.

Okay, suddenly, I am excited! Things I am happy about: 1. I just realized that, after Saturday, I will have both my children together with me at MY house. YaY! 2. For the first time in YEARS, I am excited about my house! I am actually interested in fixing things up, buying things, new bedding, curtains etc. 3. I get to make my house as GIRLY as I want to!!!! YaY no man to fuss if I have pink ruffles and flowers on my bedding! 4. I actually want to plant flowers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YaY 5. I think I am happy. Please LORD let it stay!