BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

There has GOT to be something wrong with me. You know the part in the movie Madagascar when Monty the lion looks at his zebra friend and sees a steak? That is ME!!! I look at big, burly, hairy men and see a meal. sigh . WHAT is the deal?? Is it because I'm in my forties now? Is this an overload of hormones or what? I'm watching this show---on CMT where they go in and renovate mobile homes. There is an old hairy biker dude type with an overgrown beard, mustache, gray long hair in a pony tail, back hair, chest hair, beer belly.. and I think he's attractive!! (even better if he had a tattoo) If you would have told me at 18 that this would happen, I would have punched you in the nose. Today, I was peeking out the window at the big burly guy shoveling the apartment walks. In the mornings, I drive by this parking lot where the ASPLUNDH guys (they go around picking up tree limbs and stuff) stand around for a morning meeting and I see BREAKFAST in orange hoodies. sheesh. M

Okay. Welp, remember the date I had two weeks ago? The guy was "different" to put it mildly. Kind of like "Rain Man" different. I gave him a second chance and that went a bit better, but he was assuming too much too soon and making me feel uncomfortable. So, I let him down easy. He said "okay" things were fine. No problem. Next thing I know, I get an email from him asking me if I am okay (??) Apparently, he was concerned because he had broken up with me and wondered if I was okay. umm . I ignored that because it freaked me OUT. Then a few days later, I get an Instant Message, so I blocked him. Monday, I got a text---a wrong number text(what the Hay?) asking if he could have my address in GHANA so he could send me the items that could not be emailed and that he :LOVED ME DEEPLY> Okay, so apparently, he is being scammed by one of those Match.com scammers. I wanted to reply and warn him, but I'm concerned that this might be a ploy to get me to re

I miss Navy. Why is my heart so durn stubborn? Why do I like him so stinkin much? I was SO close to getting away from him a few months ago, I should have ran with that. At the minimum, I thought we were friends, but I abhor the fact that he felt it necessary to LIE about stupid stuff. Every time I'm tempted to contact him, I remind myself of the lies he told. Contemplate the lies that I didn't find out-- That helps. That being said, I texted him some stupid little thing last night. His answer annoyed me, so I decided to ask him a question raised by his recent lie. THE GOOBER told me a different story than the original lie. It would have been a great opportunity to admit the truth, no big deal. I would have accepted it and thought better of him. Instead, apparently, he forgot the original lie that he WENT OUT OF HIS WAY to tell me and told me a new version. It's pretty disappointing. On the other hand, he never asked me to develop such a high opinion of him, didn't as

I was in church this morning when I got a text from my sister saying that Son had shown up at her doorstep crying. Apparently, his father was screaming, yelling and carrying on at him this morning and dropped him off at our apartment but I WASN'T home and he couldn't get in. Plus, his cell phone wasn't working. His father didn't even bother to make sure whether or not he could get in. SO, Son WALKED to our old house. Thankfully, my sister was there. I never let my babies walk the streets by themselves.

That's what I keep repeating to myself. I have this horrible way of holding on to things that were never meant for me, trying to force my life into what I want it to be, cram it into a groove where it doesn't fit ---- especially in terms of relationships. I haven't heard from or contacted Navy since before New Years. "Let it go, Let HIM go...." I keep repeating that to myself. His health is not my responsibility. His life is not joined to mine. He is not mine. I wish he was . He's not. Why is it so hard to let go of nothing? My marriage was not meant to be; he didn't want to be mine, didn't want ME. I grabbed hold and didn't let go for 20 years. At least I know it can be done---the letting go part, I mean. I did that. Fred finally texted me last night. We exchanged a few texts. I LET HIM go. I think he wanted me to cry, to plead, to beg him to stay, to show through my tears how much he means to me. No way. I like him but I am not go

Okay, so resolutions for this new year: Keep working on my health---eat healthier, exercise, blah blah. Kicking Navy and Fred to the curb, or at least setting them there. During my lonely New Year's Eve and Day, I evaluated the relationships and decided that things are not sufficient to meet my requirements. It's WAY too one-sided with Navy. With Fred, there are many things I like, but he is just not in a place for a serious relationship at this time. Get the last financial (debts) ties to X cut off and disposed of permanently. Be more vigilant regarding Son and his grades, etc. Focus on being happy and content within myself, separate from a man or relationship Cultivate more friendships with women outside of work.