BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Lying in bed with napping hubby. Suddenly he jerks awake and looks at me. "Are you okay?" I ask. He nods. "I just threw a grenade." At a loss, I inquire: "Did you wake up before it went off?" He nods. Still at a loss.... I comment--" Good. If I dreamed that I threw a grenade, I'd want to wake up before it went off." He grunts and goes back to sleep. Some husbands dream of other things--fishing, girls, games. Mine dreams of grenades, torture, explosions--dreams filled with smoke, screaming, and gunfire, punctuated by the physical pain of old injury earned in service to his country. I love him and pray for him. ♥

Things have been mostly uneventful the past couple of days. I will mention here, that I have been weaning myself off of my anti-depressant, so this maybe contributing to my general lack of inspiration. Generally, I have been okay I think, despite the recent situation with visitation or lack thereof. Daughter didn't want to tell me about her father's response to her email that I posted a few days ago. She doesn't know that I have seen it, but seems to be sparing my feelings. When I asked her if he replied she shrugged and mumbled. It's one of my foibles that I am a curious and devious person who can access any account of hers that I choose. Her father knows that, so likely the email was directed toward me anyway--especially since he hit most of his favorite rants. I managed to weather that pretty well as previously mentioned. Today, I once again attempted to get my driver's license changed to my maiden name. The main issue is a name change in between from 2007 b...

I am okay. Things are good. I had the house to myself most of Saturday after returning from out of town. I was pretty tired, so slept a lot. Later, my son and his father came to pick me up for lunch. Baby's daddy walked straight into my bedroom like he owned the place. Saw a candy bar wrapper. " You've been eating candy!" umm well duh! "I thought you were on a program" (puzzled voice. pffft huh?) "Pffft me? Nawww, I am not on a stinkin program. I can eat chocolate whenEVER I want and you don't get to fuss about it" YaY. "Chocolate enhances my mood" yeah, I am addicted. When he went out of my room leaving his cell phone on my bed, I peeked at the texts. yeah u kno I did. pfft Of CoURSe. "Rose Wang, will you marry me?" "Will you marry me, Rose Wang?" "Will you marry me, Rose Wang?" That's the China girl. I know for a fact he asked the Japanese gf to marry him too. Prolly a few more. Covering al...

Just to clarify, I would rather stay married to my husband if things would change. After 20 years, there was still plenty of sex ---way above average, and I got well over my quota of touches per day. He used to tell me he loved me in his sleep and I believed him. I do believe he loves me in his own dysfunctional way. For a long time, I was able to keep him on an even keel---give him sound advice, help him make plans, stick to them, sometimes complete them. However, there seems to be this idea that he can do better than me, which is totally possible. On the other side of it, yes I know that on an emotional level I have been abused, misused, mistreated, poorly cared for in every area but the physical. Yet that wasn't the whole of our marriage. oh crap. yes it was :/ nevermind.

Click on image to see larger view: Source: 1930's book. posted by Alexandra Guerson on http://guerson.wordpress.com/2008/05/14/what-makes-a-good-wife/ from Monitor on Psychology, 39, no. 5 (2008) (primary source according to A. Guerson)

Today, I suddenly was unsure. Did I do the right thing by leaving? He probably would never have gotten around to leaving me, no matter what he said. So, I went to my boss who has been very supportive and asked her to tell me again why I had to go. She asked me if I would want my daughter to stay in the same situation with a man who treated her as I have been treated. Of course, I wouldn't. Anyway, after she told me a couple things, I thanked her and went back to work. This evening I received a call from hubby who had been to see his credit counselor. He was all worked up about how he needs to make 3000 a month to cover his expenses, might as well just leave the country and not come back, etc. He had me going for a bit until I got tired of it and told him to suck it up and quit whining. "Get another job, do what you have to do and take care of your business!" I reminded him that people all over the country are going thru a similar situation, to just pay his basic ...

I just woke up from a bad dream this morning. I dreamed that I was in a new house with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Technically, it wasn't him, but I would recognize him anywhere! He was following me around, bugging me, not letting me get away from him--pounding on doors, getting too close, tugging at me basically harassing me as he did for so many years when we would have a fight---often late at night until the wee hours. As I said before, during our twenty year marriage,it used to happen once every so many months but toward the end was happening 2 or 3 nights a week. The only way to stop him was to get hysterical. Then, he would put me to bed and likely leave me alone. Anything less than hysterical would mean that he would bug me bug me bug me trying to "make up" basically forcing me to have sex. If I didn't, it would usually go on into the early hours of the morning. Worst part, was that toward the end I was recovering from a serious case of anemia, was depresse...