BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Today I'm grateful for all the men and woman who have served for our country. Today is the day to remember all the sacrifices made on behalf of our freedom---traditionally celebrated with grilled meats. In honor of that tradition, I allowed my as yet unlicensed daughter to drive me to our family gathering. My older brother showed up, along with his ex wife and his soon to be ex wife. Yup, we all get along. Today, I'm dreary, lol so that is all i have to say.

Friday night date with R. Saturday evening date with B Saturday late night date with M. Today is still available :)

When I went to the child support hearing, X unexpectedly came up, hugged me and sat next to me---- a brief interlude of happy to see me I guess. Caught off guard, I kissed his forehead. :/ That threw me off just enough to start up the waterworks when I left the waiting room. Bottom line, he is supposed to pay the regular child support and 40 extra toward the back child support. Failure to do so will result in revocation of his driver's license. Apparently, I will also be getting his tax refund, such as it is. SO pretty sure the happy to see me interlude won't happen again for quite awhile. I'm officially on my summer break from school YaY. My brother brought me a reel push mower and fixed my garage door opener up with a universal remote. Life is good.

Yesterday afternoon, I took Navy to work and picked him up at 3:30 this morning. His car's AC is broken and windows won't roll down; he's on 3 new medicines for his diabetes and his back still hurts. Even though I spent most of the weekend brooding and annoyed when it comes down to it, I consider him my family--and family helps family. Those couple days away allowed me to just enjoy his company to and from his work, laughing and joking with him. My kicked to the curb new guy, R, is now helping me fix things around the house. I decided that rather than give my money to some contractor I might as well help R out, pay him, etc. He has quite a background in construction and knows something about everything. That's great for me. So today he painted for 2 hours with my company and limited assistance. It was actually great to see him and we laughed and joked sooooo much. What a great way to spend my money---with a guy whose company I enjoy. ( New guy M may not make t

After a full day and evening of moping and being reclusive, my mom called Sunday morning (waking me up from aforementioned dream) and gave me no choice but to go to church with her. I'm pretty sure that saved me from spending another day moping. Church and lunch are becoming our routine. I should have been busy grading papers, but instead took a drive to just peek at flowers and buy a couple to put in by my mailbox. Yeah right. That's like eating ONE chip. needs a bit of tidying, but at least they are in the ground. While I was at it, I took a picture of my first tomatoes ever--- planted in the midst of some flowers for convenience. For whatever reason, I don't have a lot of stamina, so have to work small areas of flowers as I can. Baby steps.... hopefully, if I keep doing that it will get easier and stamina will improve. This is the first year that I've done so much outside work in a long time. Had a few flowers last year, but add the painting and other things, I

Went out to movie and dinner with a guy friend Friday night. Saturday picked up Navy from work and drove him home, went to graduation, then spent the rest of a long day at home. Slept in today and had a dream just before I woke up. I was being attacked by people in an apartment----I was screaming for my X to help me remembered then was screaming for Navy who should have been around somewhere but was getting ready for work. I kept doing that ---alternating between X, remembering, then screaming for Navy. ---managed to make it to the door and was trying to get out and screaming for someone to help me realizing that Navy was gone already, and the bystanders just looked. Finally a man came to help me and got me out of there, but I couldn't see his face. I don't need lots of men, just one who will be there for me. Forever. or at least another twenty years.

I kept telling myself don't do it, don't do it. Don't. do. it. yeah. I did it. I gathered up Navy's laundry, brought it home, and did it. again. Navy called me Saturday afternoon and asked me what I was doing and if I wanted to go grocery shopping. I did of course, just coz I like to see Navy. So I followed him around like a lil puppy at Wally World as he shopped, joking with him, admiring his big ole trucker/biker studliness, thinking to myself how pathetic I am lol. His hair is getting longer again--he always ties it back but when he lets it down. mrawr. He hadn't slept in 24 hours because his biker boss had called on to escort him to Harley D store. That alone brings up my motherly concern--he needs his beauty sleep! His knees kept buckling a bit as he shopped. :/ Then, as we drive to his apartment, he tells me he is going to the doctor on Monday. UMm it must be serious. That freaked me out a bit --a few different things that need looking at. So of course I he

I will no longer search for signs of your love as a private investigator searches for clues. I will no longer dissect every conversation looking for hidden meaning. I will no longer brush carefully at a pile of dusty bones seeking proof that your love existed. Now, I dance down life's beaches glorying in the sun and surf welcoming the wind in my hair now and again stooping to scoop seashells up from the love-strewn shore. Now, I find love in the open. jayksee May 2010

Had a busy, tiring day at school yesterday---for some reason I saved a very important unit on research and using sources correctly for the very last thing of the year :/ It's as hard on me as it is on them lol harder than I'd like to be working this late in the school year, that's for sure. SO, Navy spent Saturday afternoon/evening and most of Sunday with me this past weekend. I love having him around so much, I dunno why. Just being around him makes me feel calm and content-- I'm like a lil puppy dog following him happily around. He got called away Sunday afternoon on motorcycle club business and when I stopped by Monday morning to bring some important things back to him, he wasn't home yet. Turns out that he'd spent the nite at a "friends" which I immediately understood to be a female. I got off the phone and kept putting it out of my mind, along with getting ready to smite Navy out of my life, listing all the valid reasons for doing so even th

Hello campers! Things have been interesting around here--- was in the dumps last weekend but back up again this one. That ole roller coaster gets pretty tedious, as you well know. Back to more important things: men Yeah so guess I'm not as down on men at the moment. I had a date on Thursday evening with a tall former U of Texas football player who drives a Hummer, has a fancy job, ranch, condo, blah blah so he said. He WAS a tall drink of water tho and attractive. Possibly too attractive and fancy shmancy for the likes of me. We had a nice meal with pleasant conversation-- shook hands and went our separate ways. I figured it was my typical first-last date deal. At 1:30 am, I got a text asking me if I was ready to "get naked" and a few other choice things. I declined and he asked for a second date. I asked for clarification regarding what exactly he was asking for, and he made it clear that he wanted sex, wondering if I was "in". I said no thanks, he s