BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Okay, so let me tell you what happened. I got that email from X and it upset me--crying, hyperventilating, panic attack, the works. BF had been gone all day at a bike fix it thing for his club, so I called him to see if he was going to come home soon. Basically, I was scared, upset and needed to be held or at minimum, a hug. However, after seeing the email and having left 6 bikes that were in the process of being fixed, he was MAD. I asked if he was mad at me but he said he was mad at X for bringing him into it---especially not having ever met, etc. Anyhoo, he took a bag of his stuff and said he was going to stay away for a few days. Said to call him if I needed him. pffft. That's what I did and look what happened! Good thing is, my panic attack didn't last long---I didn't even need to take a tranquilizer! YaY. Thing is, I won't call him. He will have to call or not call. He's the one that left. I really like him--lots of things about him but he isn't

Today my daughter called and asked if son could go with her to her dad's house because his mother had made food. I said no, that he could call me or his mother could call me and make arrangements with me rather than thru my daughter. This is the result. From X: Mrs Les, You may have Son for the next 7 years. But I promise you an oath,... I will make you pay for this the rest of your life regarding Son. Enjoy him while you have him. To X: Thank you for your email. God bless you. I am praying for you. sincerely, Julie

One of the main reasons I stayed married for twenty years was because a very important need of mine was met ---touch. I need to be touched, held, etc often. I'm like a puppy dog that needs to be petted. My X did that right. For most of our marriage he put me to sleep stroking my hair, back, etc. Physically, he took great care of me. Somehow that compensated for so much until the rest overwhelmed it. Physically, I've been spoiled. Now, I have a great boyfriend who I enjoy being around so much when he is awake. Unfortunately, when he isn't working, he is asleep for most of the time.

Happy Thanksgiving all!~ I've been feeling under the weather --- toothaches, stuffy nose, headaches, neckaches --- hard to know which one is which. Had a tooth pulled which, after the fact, hurts worse than after having a C section. I hate being in pain. Missing my bf right now --- he's been sleeping since 5 pm and looks like he'll sleep on thru. Got a message via daughter from X wanting yet another copy of the kids birth certificates. Number one: I'd giving him copies a few weeks ago when he was still speaking to me. Number two: I reminded daughter that I do not respond to indirect communication anymore and her response to him should be "tell her yourself". I think I'm getting good at that. I have to confess that there is a part of me that is afraid of him. I don't know for sure that he won't do something completely crazy that might end up hurting me. He is just so unpredictable when he gets like this, especially since there is no one to give

My dearest Son, I don't need to explain to Mrs. Les that I want to see you. If she can't figure that out she shouldn't be teaching. You don't need a college degree to know that a father really loves his son and wants to spend time with him. You have to demand that you see me. She can't stop you from seeing your own flash and blood father. Les is not your father. Dad

Son to father: Sent: Fri, November 20, 2009 12:28:26 PM Subject: Re: Come over ... i guess you dont wanna see me... Father to son: I always want to see you,.. don't you ever say that. In case your mother is reading this email,... tell her its up to you and her if you want to see me,.. not me. I have no say at all,... she want to punish you by not letting you see me then its her problem. But I will not deal with her regarding making arrangements to when I can or can not see you. She can't control me any more. SO come over when she says yes and don't come over when she says no. I will not beg her just to see you. I really miss you soooooo much but my hands are tied. When you are 18, she has no control over you and we can have some real fun together. So come over anytime. Love Daddy My first instinct is to turn it back on me. What is wrong with me? How could I have been such an idiot for so long, blah blah melt into a little puddle of self pity, hurt, hysteria. Not

dad, could u plz talk to mom and explain you want to see me? PLZ!?!? PLEASE?!?!?! Tell that woman you want to see me,... if she does not allow you to see me,... I'll see you when you are 18. Love you sooo much Dad. Dear X, If you have anything to communicate to me, please do so via email, phone, or knock on the door. I will not receive messages sent via the children nor will I send messages via the children. I love our children too much to see them hurt any further by our foolishness. They should not have to be subjected to outbursts of anger or frustration. If you have something to say to me, please do so directly to me. I will do the same--either via email or if you so choose, in person. Personally, I want nothing but the best for you and hope we can sit down soon to discuss a visitation schedule with you for Son. Blessings, Julie

It's been an interesting few days. I've made the decision not to communicate with X thru the children and not to receive any communication from him via them. I'm hoping to be able to get them out of the middle once and for all. That did mean Son didn't get to go to his dad's this weekend which he found disappointing. However, it's too risky to send Son there as this situation is because of the emotional/verbal abuse, because of the risk of possibly taking him, etc. I've reached out to him repeatedly via phone and email but he has chosen not to respond. Therefore, I feel that I have done my part to support reasonable visitation. now all he has to do is choose to be reasonable as well. Saturday morning, I had a talk with bf. Again, this is kind of new territory for me. He was talking about making me happy and I was sharing my concerns about whether I am making him happy. We both agreed we are. However, I asked him if he thought our relationship was g

Yesterday was a difficult day. In addition to feeling bad because X trashed me to my children, accusing me of all kinds of stuff and threatening to get me fired from my job, a couple students trashed me in a video on facebook. That was just the icing on the cake. Thankfully, my friend at work was there to talk me thru some of my issue. She's the best. Somewhere in the middle of all that, Son came to my classroom crying and upset because he had lost another baby tooth, making it three in the past week or so. Hard to say what he was really upset about, but he said his mouth felt weird. Saturday night after I had sent Son to spend the night with his father, I realized I hadn't thought it thru. I could tell by what Daughter said that he was in a bitchy mood and mad at me again---for what reason, I dunno. So I knew that Son was likely to be verbally and emotionally abused by his dad--who specialized in late evening incidents of abuse during our marriage and has done so to Son s

I have never bad mouthed you to your children, no matter how angry, hurt or frustrated I am. Do you think your children are going to love you more for talking bad about me to them? How would you feel if your father continually carried on at you about YOUR mother? Think about it. Also, while you were off working on your bucket list, I paid over 300 dollars on your student loans---money that could have been used to buy your son a winter coat, warm clothing, lunch tickets, a trip to the dentist that he needs.... Welcome home.

I'm mad. Simmering, beneath the surface mad. Like I wanna rip his head off and stuff it up his... okay ixnay the iolencevay. I'm simmering. I made a 100 dollar payment to his student loans today --- fifty on each. Of course, that's what I'm mad about. I sure hope I get over this at some point. Snot good to keep such anger inside. I wanna write him a nasty angry email that tells him off, reads him the riot act, lets him know how I really feel. But I won't. It would be nice to have solid reasons why I won't. Instead, there are just vague thoughts of staying on half way decent terms for the sake of kids, peace, etc. grrr.

I know it's been a few days since my last post. I've been stopping by, but just haven't had anything super interesting to say. This past weekend was a repeat of the previous---Son and BF had a great time Saturday night playing Wii, trash talking each other, pizza, pop, etc. They really seemed to enjoy each other's company. Pretty much the three of us spent the weekend together. Guess that is the way it's going to be now that X is out of the picture for an indefinite time. BF's Harley is in the garage, his out-of-commission jeep is in my driveway where he has been working on it, and when he is not working, he is here with his Jimmy in the driveway. I enjoy every bit of time I have with him, hopefully, he feels the same way. I have to think he does since he spends so much time here with us. Daughter asked me where her dad was, said she hasn't been able to contact him on his cell phone. I had to tell her the truth: that he might be in CO, or TX or in C