BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Remember that huge, annoying situation that wouldn't go away?  I solved that.  As of July, I've moved onward and upward.   Because I'm such a catch, I have had a boyfriend for several months now and he is amazing. Even so, I'm not rushing into things.  I am pretty optimistic though.  Dating in one's fifties is not for the faint of heart.  Try adding disability to that mix.  Even more daunting.  I'm pretty blessed that I found someone who embraces me exactly as I am.  There was a trial for the person responsible for my disability (well the one they caught of the group).  He was found guilty, so I will accept that as sufficient.

I'm mad. Simmering, beneath the surface mad. Like I wanna rip his head off and stuff it up his... okay ixnay the iolencevay. I'm simmering. I made a 100 dollar payment to his student loans today --- fifty on each. Of course, that's what I'm mad about. I sure hope I get over this at some point. Snot good to keep such anger inside. I wanna write him a nasty angry email that tells him off, reads him the riot act, lets him know how I really feel. But I won't. It would be nice to have solid reasons why I won't. Instead, there are just vague thoughts of staying on half way decent terms for the sake of kids, peace, etc. grrr.

Things have been mostly uneventful the past couple of days. I will mention here, that I have been weaning myself off of my anti-depressant, so this maybe contributing to my general lack of inspiration. Generally, I have been okay I think, despite the recent situation with visitation or lack thereof. Daughter didn't want to tell me about her father's response to her email that I posted a few days ago. She doesn't know that I have seen it, but seems to be sparing my feelings. When I asked her if he replied she shrugged and mumbled. It's one of my foibles that I am a curious and devious person who can access any account of hers that I choose. Her father knows that, so likely the email was directed toward me anyway--especially since he hit most of his favorite rants. I managed to weather that pretty well as previously mentioned. Today, I once again attempted to get my driver's license changed to my maiden name. The main issue is a name change in between from 2007 b...

Today was a long slow lazy day, but tonite was nice. There is the place in town that is my favorite---it have live music, lots of restaurants, plenty of outdoor places to walk and sit all in a very festive party atmosphere. It was still hot, but by midnite the wind picked up and it was glorious! Came home and spoke with daughter regarding her visit with X. He told her that he didn't get the job, but his mother told son on Friday that his dad was working. So which is it? Seems to me that he is hiding the fact that he is working. That really makes me upset in a way--that he would do such a thing, not provide ANYTHING for his children. Even just a hundred dollars. twenty five, ANYTHING. Thought he was beyond being able to hurt me or upset me. turns out that there is still one vulnerable spot. I will give him until July, then call my lawyer.

I am okay. Things are good. I had the house to myself most of Saturday after returning from out of town. I was pretty tired, so slept a lot. Later, my son and his father came to pick me up for lunch. Baby's daddy walked straight into my bedroom like he owned the place. Saw a candy bar wrapper. " You've been eating candy!" umm well duh! "I thought you were on a program" (puzzled voice. pffft huh?) "Pffft me? Nawww, I am not on a stinkin program. I can eat chocolate whenEVER I want and you don't get to fuss about it" YaY. "Chocolate enhances my mood" yeah, I am addicted. When he went out of my room leaving his cell phone on my bed, I peeked at the texts. yeah u kno I did. pfft Of CoURSe. "Rose Wang, will you marry me?" "Will you marry me, Rose Wang?" "Will you marry me, Rose Wang?" That's the China girl. I know for a fact he asked the Japanese gf to marry him too. Prolly a few more. Covering al...

Just to clarify, I would rather stay married to my husband if things would change. After 20 years, there was still plenty of sex ---way above average, and I got well over my quota of touches per day. He used to tell me he loved me in his sleep and I believed him. I do believe he loves me in his own dysfunctional way. For a long time, I was able to keep him on an even keel---give him sound advice, help him make plans, stick to them, sometimes complete them. However, there seems to be this idea that he can do better than me, which is totally possible. On the other side of it, yes I know that on an emotional level I have been abused, misused, mistreated, poorly cared for in every area but the physical. Yet that wasn't the whole of our marriage. oh crap. yes it was :/ nevermind.

Tonite I went to a class on rebuilding life after divorce. Not as fun as last night, but I suppose it's good for me. I can see that my nights can be filled up pretty quickly if I like. The female co-leader invited me to her 12 step group on Tuesday nights---she feels that maybe hubby may have an addiction of sorts, based on what I shared ( I marvel at the idea that wives can refuse to have sex with their husbands!??) I wasn't ever able to do that without all hell breaking loose. Side note: I have an addiction to buying nightgowns, pajamas, etc. I wasn't allowed to wear them during my marriage. What was the point,he just made me take them off. lol. Okay, so... so far I have Wednesday night "Thrive" group, Thursday night Rebuilding Life group and Tuesday, 12 step thingy group. Sunday morning Financial Peace University and church in there somewhere. That is more social activity than I have had in the past 20 years!!! Possibly in my whole life! Oddly enough, ...

Mmm.okay, that didn't work. I called to speak to son last night. His father answered and was not going to allow me to!? He finally did for a few minutes before snatching the phone away and saying that he was gonna get rid of the house and leave town. blah blah. Anyway, my divorce almost turned NASTY. So, I went over there to sort it out. My mom REALLY didn't want to coz was afraid I would be physically hurt. I wasn't. He wasn't going to talk to me at first, was being pretty nasty. I finally walked in the bedroom and found the real source of the problem: the papers arrived in the mail. I called him in there telling him that I understood that it was upsetting---upset me too signing them. blah blah Bottom line is we slung "You did this, that" back and forth for a few until I finally stopped it and said okay okay lets just stop that. No point. You were right. It WAS wrong from the beginning. I loved you, wanted you but you didn't love me, didn't want to ma...

I went to my Financial Peace class again today. Today's topic was about dealing with debt collectors, what they can do, can't do and how to work with them. Basically, food, shelter and transportation must come first. After that, pay each creditor out of what disposable income that you have left on a pro-rated basis. That means you calculate total debt, figure out how much percentage each is of the total debt, then divide up the amount between them. Check out Dave Ramsey's website for more details. If you are having issues with debts and finances, I strongly urge you to give his program a shot. Many churches are offering the program, but my brother watched the series on YouTube and within 3 months, he was out of debt except for his mortgage. I was fired up, so went to talk to hubby about doing the program or to make sure his credit counselor is following a similar deal. At 11 am, the house was dark, both kids were sleeping and he was on the computer with one of his...

I got an instant message from him tonite asking if he can take me out for Valentine's. WTH? I couldn't even respond to that other than :( and gtg. There are so many things wrong with that. I would have been more impressed if he had shown up at my door with flowers, a teddy bear,a card. ANYTHING. Also, if he is still interested in me enuff to take me out for Vday, where was he on our 20th anniversary which he totally blew off? I want him to love me so much that he will say, "Come back, I will take you anyway I can get you. I just need you, love you, miss you and can't live without you. " or " I have realized that I love you for who you are as person, for all you have done for me and for our children..." Instead, this is what I heard the other day: He rubbed himself up against my backside the other day.... "Do you like that?" Whispered in my ear, "Let's go in the bedroom; I'll massage you..." Mumbled against my cheek ...

Today, I suddenly was unsure. Did I do the right thing by leaving? He probably would never have gotten around to leaving me, no matter what he said. So, I went to my boss who has been very supportive and asked her to tell me again why I had to go. She asked me if I would want my daughter to stay in the same situation with a man who treated her as I have been treated. Of course, I wouldn't. Anyway, after she told me a couple things, I thanked her and went back to work. This evening I received a call from hubby who had been to see his credit counselor. He was all worked up about how he needs to make 3000 a month to cover his expenses, might as well just leave the country and not come back, etc. He had me going for a bit until I got tired of it and told him to suck it up and quit whining. "Get another job, do what you have to do and take care of your business!" I reminded him that people all over the country are going thru a similar situation, to just pay his basic ...

My Sunday: woke up at five am. didn't feel like breakfast put on new outfit -- giddyup! went to pick up daughter ruffled son's sleepy feathers--he's mah baby. peeked into hubby's room--looked like a dresser threw up all over the floor. Gosh HATE it when that happens. LOVE it that I don't have to care. went to Financial Peace class with daughter took daughter out to eat and had a nice talk with her took daughter home had EXsex. OOPS I did it again. I am SO Britney went shopping and bought CLOTHES. ohmigosh, this is scary... britney's music is SPEAKING to me today . That might be a bad sign! I was driving home yesterday after an hour or so of just shopping for ME, just ME --clothes to get me goin on a change of lifestyle. It was a beautiful, beautiful day. The wind was blowing through my open car windows, caressing my hair. I had the stereo on, listening to tunez and happy with...

I just woke up from a bad dream this morning. I dreamed that I was in a new house with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Technically, it wasn't him, but I would recognize him anywhere! He was following me around, bugging me, not letting me get away from him--pounding on doors, getting too close, tugging at me basically harassing me as he did for so many years when we would have a fight---often late at night until the wee hours. As I said before, during our twenty year marriage,it used to happen once every so many months but toward the end was happening 2 or 3 nights a week. The only way to stop him was to get hysterical. Then, he would put me to bed and likely leave me alone. Anything less than hysterical would mean that he would bug me bug me bug me trying to "make up" basically forcing me to have sex. If I didn't, it would usually go on into the early hours of the morning. Worst part, was that toward the end I was recovering from a serious case of anemia, was depresse...