BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

So, on to things that I'd like to accomplish. From my previous blog entries, I am sure that it is obvious what I want romantically: hearts, flowers, romance, to be cherished, touched, supported emotionally, etc. Here are some other things: - start fixing my house one thing at a time - continue to get my teeth and the kids fixed as needed - begin to be more active physically for health reasons - eat healthier and encourage my son to as well - rather than wait for a man to baby me, I am going to start treating myself like a princess. Maybe if I learn to love and cherish myself, I will know what it feels like. - pay off medical bills, get a savings account for security, buy a new car

As New Year approaches, I'm starting to evaluate where life has taken me and where it's headed. What are the things that I can do to make my life better---basic things? This past year has certainly been a time of growth in many ways. I know that some of my friends, Army guy and computer guy for example, may see me as being a bit of a mess, but if you look back a year ago, I think it's obvious that things are more together in my life then they have ever been. This is what I have/have accomplished this year: --less episodes of sorrow, hysteria --episodes that I do have resolve quickly --enjoy my children more --took my house back, caught up on those bills --taking more interest/pride in my home --let go of my timeshare in exchange for keeping my home --paid off the divorce lawyer --started getting my health under control --getting my teeth and my children's teeth taken care of --stood up for myself with my X and my children --got my garage cleaned up enough so that I ca

Merry Christmas everyone~ The kids and I went to my mom's Christmas Eve in spite of the snow. Unfortunately, I drove home in a blizzard and it was the scariest drive of my life. I had to have the kids looking out open windows to see if I was on the road.... Thankfully, I made it home and dropped them off at their dad's on the way. Then, dropped by Navy guy's to bring him some medicine and made my way home again. Never have I been so grateful to be home alone snuggled in my bed with my TV remote and laptop! The roads were apparently littered with abandoned cars the next day. They had to close down the major highways until they were able to get those cars out of there. Christmas evening, I once again braved the roads with the kiddos to go to my brother's. I only did it for my son's sake but we had a good time. The roads were still scary but at least I could see! My doggies have been enjoying the snow... more so when it was fresh. The puppy was so cute rompin

I'm going to tell you guys, coz I tell ya'll most everything. I still have moments where I don't want to live, don't know what I am good for, don't know why I am here other than for my children. I thought I had my life settled and now it's not. Thankfully, those moments are less often and seem to pass. I haven't acted on any of those feelings or thoughts and don't plan on doing so. I wish they would just go away altogether. K, with that out of the way.... I am going to bake today, gonna go visit a friend, gonna try to read a book. Navy guy (formerly referred to as BF) finally sent me an offline saying that he doesnt do Christmas since his kids aren't with him, not to buy him a gift, and he is going to be sleeping over his three day break. Somehow, I'm not surprised about that. whatever. I will go to family gatherings Thursday nite and Friday nite. Kids will be with their dad over night Thursday and I will pick them up at five for Friday

Last week: one melt down at bedtime one trip to ER for shortness of breath, high bp Everything checked out well --- might need bp medicine but certainly need to stop getting so stressed out about son's schoolwork, grades, tests, etc. This weekend: Friday night alone with Son. Saturday night alone. Turned down offer to go to AVATAR3D movie with X and our kids. a Sunday went to breakfast with Army guy. He gave me his old tube TV -- which I am so happy about... Merry Christmas to me. Sunday afternoon, evening alone. Did some housework, petted my dog, watched TV. Happy Vacation.

hmm, where to begin? Friday night, I spent chilling out with son. Saturday, BF was busy working on his friend's motorcycle again so I saw him for only a few minutes at night. X stopped by after his work to pick up some papers and brought me a sandwich. Oddly enough, he barely put the sandwich down before he tried to jump my bones. lol. yipes. The 2009 Biker Toy run was here in town so BF was busy doing that all day on Sunday and his car was in my driveway which caused X to get a bit belligerent. I did speak to him briefly on the phone and managed to calm him down. geez. Daughter was supposed to stay with her Dad there at his parents, but Gpa was being very cranky and difficult---not nice to her so I had to pick her up. Poor thing was crying and upset. Had a nice family bday party for my sis in law, bro in law, and two nieces on Sunday. That was a nice time---I have all my siblings and mother here in town so we combine bday parties and have a group one every couple months.

It's cold. No snow here,but lots of cold air. I'm happy that for the first time in about ten years, I can park in my garage. YaY. It's great that I am finally getting my teeth taken care of. When I was married, there were too many things that seemed more important. Now, I can put priority on getting my health in hand, fixing up my teeth (ouch), getting the kids to the dentist for check ups.... Why is it that those things seem easier to do now that I am divorced? I ordered myself two sweaters that were on sale half price. Had a pleasant surprise yesterday---I am working to get my mortgage loan modified and had to provide proof of house insurance. I thought it had lapsed but YaY it was paid up in October. I am so RELIEVED about that. When this modification goes thru, my taxes and insurance will be rolled into it and I will be paying 100 less-- if you add the savings for taxes and insurance that saves me over 2000 out of pocket. sigh. good deal. Either I was testy today

umm yeah. So I am a goober. I talked to my BF finally. Perhaps news of the break up was premature. It's back on but perhaps at a bit more sedate pace. Meaning, he is going to spend a bit more time at his apartment---especially when he is sleeping. Maybe this means I will get to have more quality time when he is awake. But for now, it's on. I'm relieved and feeling a bit foolish. I dunno. You may yell at me now.

I'm scared. What if my marriage was all that there is for me? What if no one can love me more than my X did (in his own twisted way)? What if I am alone the rest of my life?

He wasn't hit by a bus and isn't dead. My olive branch ignored. The smiting process has begun. Delete off home phone contact list. check. Delete call record. check. Delete from yahoo messenger. check. Delete from yahoo contacts. check. Delete from cell phone. check. (I cried.) To do list: Get his broken car out of my driveway. Request Harley be removed from the garage. Get my house key back. Delete all emails, voice and text messages. Stop thinking about him. Let heart and feelings heal.

I was looking at Lori's blog this morning. It is so peaceful and relaxing. What a great life she leads! Take a moment to check it out Still no word from BF--- and NO I am not going to call him. Once, I chased a man who I should have let go and was married to him for twenty years. Look how that turned out. Nope, I need a man who can suck it up and do what needs to be done. It might even be nice for someone to pursue ME for one stinkin once! Flowers, hearts, love, affection, I DESERVE those things. I was putting all the effort into making him happy and I am tired of things being one sided. Am I really just a puppy who is going to be happy following its master around for the occasional cuddle? (Yes. but that's beside the point!) :D I'm trying to do things differently this time. Shheez. help me out would ya :)

Okay, BF hasn't called, texted, or emailed since Sunday. From texting and calling several times a day to nothing. This is serious business. In fact I'm afraid it's rapidly approaching irrepairable if it's not there already. This is the first time I've been walked away from. A new experience. pfft BOOO> So I am starting to be angry, hurt, indignant. Not that I will tell this to him, mind you. That's what ya'll are here for, rite? :) Now that things have settled with X, I have to say this hurts. Not gonna lie. it hurts. Gonna have to smite him. Cept that's hard to do with his jeep in my driveway, harley in my garage