BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Just to clarify, I would rather stay married to my husband if things would change. After 20 years, there was still plenty of sex ---way above average, and I got well over my quota of touches per day. He used to tell me he loved me in his sleep and I believed him. I do believe he loves me in his own dysfunctional way. For a long time, I was able to keep him on an even keel---give him sound advice, help him make plans, stick to them, sometimes complete them. However, there seems to be this idea that he can do better than me, which is totally possible. On the other side of it, yes I know that on an emotional level I have been abused, misused, mistreated, poorly cared for in every area but the physical. Yet that wasn't the whole of our marriage. oh crap. yes it was :/ nevermind.

Tonite I went to a class on rebuilding life after divorce. Not as fun as last night, but I suppose it's good for me. I can see that my nights can be filled up pretty quickly if I like. The female co-leader invited me to her 12 step group on Tuesday nights---she feels that maybe hubby may have an addiction of sorts, based on what I shared ( I marvel at the idea that wives can refuse to have sex with their husbands!??) I wasn't ever able to do that without all hell breaking loose. Side note: I have an addiction to buying nightgowns, pajamas, etc. I wasn't allowed to wear them during my marriage. What was the point,he just made me take them off. lol. Okay, so... so far I have Wednesday night "Thrive" group, Thursday night Rebuilding Life group and Tuesday, 12 step thingy group. Sunday morning Financial Peace University and church in there somewhere. That is more social activity than I have had in the past 20 years!!! Possibly in my whole life! Oddly enough, ...

I had a good time tonite. My divorce group leader didn't show up, but we all did. So we got to go around and introduce ourselves then we went out! I really enjoyed joking around, talking, etc with that group. I think I will do it more often.

My care pastor's wife stopped me in the hall to ask how I was doing. I told her that last week was horrible, but I am okay now. New medication. Lots of tears. I am okay now. However, why does it hurt so much to tell people what is happening? That he is actively looking for someone else... and so on and so forth. I won't bore you with the same details again. I'm okay. I'm fine.

Mmm.okay, that didn't work. I called to speak to son last night. His father answered and was not going to allow me to!? He finally did for a few minutes before snatching the phone away and saying that he was gonna get rid of the house and leave town. blah blah. Anyway, my divorce almost turned NASTY. So, I went over there to sort it out. My mom REALLY didn't want to coz was afraid I would be physically hurt. I wasn't. He wasn't going to talk to me at first, was being pretty nasty. I finally walked in the bedroom and found the real source of the problem: the papers arrived in the mail. I called him in there telling him that I understood that it was upsetting---upset me too signing them. blah blah Bottom line is we slung "You did this, that" back and forth for a few until I finally stopped it and said okay okay lets just stop that. No point. You were right. It WAS wrong from the beginning. I loved you, wanted you but you didn't love me, didn't want to ma...

I have this feeling of disbelief... it can't really be true, this can't be happening... when am I going to wake up from this bad dream? I remember when my dad died, I had the same feeling of surreality. I would wake up in the morning and lay there trying to figure out what was wrong. Then I would remember--my dad is dead. That happened every morning for a long time. Same thing now. I have to keep remembering that I no longer have a husband, a home, a family. My life has been blown apart. The pain feels too hard to bear.

Last night I was furious. Today all day my head was messed up. Thoughts of not wanting to live kept swirling around. My friend prayed for me when I told her and thankfully the thoughts subsided. Only to be replaced by fury. The kind where ur insides quiver with it and you can't quite catch ur breath. I want to Scream Yell Cry Break things Pull hair I hate. Normally, as a rule, I don't do hate. Hate is a very strong emotion that I have chosen to eliminate from my vocabulary. However that is what I feel for him and for his family. I never fit in. I wasn't Asian. They have dropped me completely with no contact. I know better than to try to contact them. He has been calling this afternoon but I won't pickup the phone. I was talking to my daughter and he took the phone from her to speak to me. I hung up. That has got to be a shock for him. I have NEVER EVER ignored him, refused to speak to him, or take his calls. Ever. It's a good time to start. D...

I am an idiot. A snoopy idiot with no self control. I went to the house to do something for my daughter. No one was home. He left his computer on with his email and instant messengers conveniently open. Yeah, I looked. I shouldn't have but it's good that I did. He is slime scum sleaze As soon as I moved out he started looking for my replacement. china cupid.com asian cupid .com indonesian cupid.com portugese cupid blah blah. He is corresponding with several women with an eye to marriage. Learning chinese. Thinking of moving to China offering to bring people's mother's over. slime bucket sleazy. He never used to be that way. He found out that he is much cooler online. Women actually talk to him. and he can say all kinds of crap. throw the word love around "I need to hear your voice" Bull crap. slime. And his email from his sister. "I knew u were unhappy for several years" what the heck. I was a good wife.!!!!! Damn him. To his brother: "Do you wa...

Wow, I was wrong. I do have more tears. I called him. Yeah, I know what you're thinking--- but I just didn't feel right about it. SO, I called and apologized. Now, now, quit shaking ur head. It really doesn't hurt to apologize, especially when u feel guilty about something. That is called a CONSCIENCE. Just because some people we deal with don't have one, doesn't mean we shouldn't heed ours. Ok, so I apologized for making him angry. Then I went on to explain that I am hurting quite a bit. That I miss having my children with me all the time. That I have to get used to not having him around. He was like "awww, come here and I will massage your feet." lol I was like Noooo that is part of the problem. You need to keep your hands off of me. You're not taking my feelings into consideration. You wouldn't like someone to treat OUR DAUGHTER that way would you? To take advantage of her feelings, to use her physically even though uninterested in marria...

I went to my Financial Peace class again today. Today's topic was about dealing with debt collectors, what they can do, can't do and how to work with them. Basically, food, shelter and transportation must come first. After that, pay each creditor out of what disposable income that you have left on a pro-rated basis. That means you calculate total debt, figure out how much percentage each is of the total debt, then divide up the amount between them. Check out Dave Ramsey's website for more details. If you are having issues with debts and finances, I strongly urge you to give his program a shot. Many churches are offering the program, but my brother watched the series on YouTube and within 3 months, he was out of debt except for his mortgage. I was fired up, so went to talk to hubby about doing the program or to make sure his credit counselor is following a similar deal. At 11 am, the house was dark, both kids were sleeping and he was on the computer with one of his...

Okay, so I think this will be a better day. I am not always so miserable. I do have good days, honest. I hate the fact that I have turned into this tear bucket who can't see anything but her own immediate problem. I can't even really tell u what exactly set me off yesterday. It's too painful or something. Not even sure how to describe it. Just another in-my-face reminder of how little I mean to him and sadly, it's always been this way. Just once in my life, I would like to kno what it means to be the most important person to be put first to be loved cherished cared for in every way possible. I'm realizing that this is a bigger issue with me and has been so from my childhood. I must feel unlovable because I do so much to try to make the men in my life care for me whether they want to or not. I should be a priority to SOMEONE shouldn't I? Guess, I might have to start being a priority with myself first.

Most of my day was spent crying. :/ Today, I took my son out to lunch and we had a nice giggle. Ended up going thru the drive thru of the Chinese restaurant though, coz I was crying. I don't think he noticed. Later, my sister gave me a little prettily wrapped bundle with chocolate in it. She's a good sis, considering I cried all the way back while driving her home from the store. Course, if I had cried BEFORE the store, who knows, I might have gotten flowers! Actually, she had it prepared ahead of time when I picked her up to take her there. I was okay until the middle of the store when I realized that I used to shop for my family --kids and husband. I used to HAVE a family. Now, my family is torn apart. If I had stayed in the house with the kids and kicked HIM out, I think it would have been better. At least I would have my children. See, I can't even get divorced properly. I cause my own troubles. :/ My mom brought me some red carnations--I thought that was nice of her....

I hate you. I really really hate you. Congratulations on that. I have always made it a point not to hate anyone. But, I hate you. I am not going to put myself in a position to get hurt by you again. Don't talk to me. I am muting you. Blocking you. Taking you off my buddy list. You are NOT my buddy. The only reason I am alive right now is for my children so they don't have to get stuck with a sorry son of a bitch like you who never means what he says and says what he means. My children deserved better. I deserved better. You don't LOVE me you don't know what it means to be loved. Your parents are snakes. Your family is one of the poorest excuses for a family I have ever seen. THEY ARE NOT RELATED TO ME> You have not been a husband to me. You have not taken care of me. You have not taken care of the house. You don't know how to handle money. and I am the bad wife? I don't think so. Don't touch me again. Don't ever tell me you love me again. Don't ex...

I got an instant message from him tonite asking if he can take me out for Valentine's. WTH? I couldn't even respond to that other than :( and gtg. There are so many things wrong with that. I would have been more impressed if he had shown up at my door with flowers, a teddy bear,a card. ANYTHING. Also, if he is still interested in me enuff to take me out for Vday, where was he on our 20th anniversary which he totally blew off? I want him to love me so much that he will say, "Come back, I will take you anyway I can get you. I just need you, love you, miss you and can't live without you. " or " I have realized that I love you for who you are as person, for all you have done for me and for our children..." Instead, this is what I heard the other day: He rubbed himself up against my backside the other day.... "Do you like that?" Whispered in my ear, "Let's go in the bedroom; I'll massage you..." Mumbled against my cheek ...

Click on image to see larger view: Source: 1930's book. posted by Alexandra Guerson on http://guerson.wordpress.com/2008/05/14/what-makes-a-good-wife/ from Monitor on Psychology, 39, no. 5 (2008) (primary source according to A. Guerson)

Of all the things that he ever said to me, Of all the things that he ever did to me, telling people that I have been a bad wife hurts the most.

Today, I suddenly was unsure. Did I do the right thing by leaving? He probably would never have gotten around to leaving me, no matter what he said. So, I went to my boss who has been very supportive and asked her to tell me again why I had to go. She asked me if I would want my daughter to stay in the same situation with a man who treated her as I have been treated. Of course, I wouldn't. Anyway, after she told me a couple things, I thanked her and went back to work. This evening I received a call from hubby who had been to see his credit counselor. He was all worked up about how he needs to make 3000 a month to cover his expenses, might as well just leave the country and not come back, etc. He had me going for a bit until I got tired of it and told him to suck it up and quit whining. "Get another job, do what you have to do and take care of your business!" I reminded him that people all over the country are going thru a similar situation, to just pay his basic ...

My Sunday: woke up at five am. didn't feel like breakfast put on new outfit -- giddyup! went to pick up daughter ruffled son's sleepy feathers--he's mah baby. peeked into hubby's room--looked like a dresser threw up all over the floor. Gosh HATE it when that happens. LOVE it that I don't have to care. went to Financial Peace class with daughter took daughter out to eat and had a nice talk with her took daughter home had EXsex. OOPS I did it again. I am SO Britney went shopping and bought CLOTHES. ohmigosh, this is scary... britney's music is SPEAKING to me today . That might be a bad sign! I was driving home yesterday after an hour or so of just shopping for ME, just ME --clothes to get me goin on a change of lifestyle. It was a beautiful, beautiful day. The wind was blowing through my open car windows, caressing my hair. I had the stereo on, listening to tunez and happy with...

Sometimes lately, I just don't want to sleep. I'll be there, exhausted, but just won't. What is the point of going to bed now that he isn't there? Part of what drew me to him was his physical affection--I desperately needed that. I had good parents, just not a lot of hugs, etc. Okay now here is a serious question. Please leave me your comment--you can do it as "anonymous" because the option is there. What does it feel like to be happy? How do you know when ur feeling it?

Last night, I called hubby to tell him the papers would be arriving by post rather than being "served" since he wasnt gonna run away from them or anything. His response: "Why would I do that?" Why indeed. Then he asked me for phone sex (???wth?) and when that didn't go asked me to come over for the real thing. Uhmm, pass.

Last night, I went to my second meeting of Divorce care. It was good and I didn't feel quite as unnerved. We even had a little get to know u icebreaker that allowed some of us to meet and mingle. That was nice. Even so, I still felt a little fragile afterwords. Today, I went to the lawyer in order to the papers that will be sent to him to sign and return to the lawyer. That brought a few tears on right there in the lawyer's office. It was really sad that my last twenty years could be ended with a signature. Still feeling vulnerable and teary, I stopped by to pick up my son from my daughter's workplace. There, I ran into the owner of the store who is also my friend. When I told her what I had just finished doing, she proceeded to admonish me saying I needed to see the pastor first, discuss this with him and hopefully save my marriage. Although I appreciate her concern, I am quite annoyed. I ended up giving her more information than I wanted to share in order to convi...

If you get this you are supposed to do it yourself, blah blah something something. 1. I hate tagging people because it might annoy them 2. I might tag them with this anyway just to get even with them for tagging me. 3. I didn't mind reading theirs, so hopefully they will read mine. I just had to protest for the sake of protesting. 4. Sometimes I protest things even when I like them i.e. hugs 5. Just like my sister, I can be the life of the party when I am not being too anti-social to attend. 6. Recently, I am feeling better than I have for ten years 7. Sometimes I have a phantom gallbladder pain from the empty spot in my abdomen which is probably just my imagination. 8. Once, I coated my husband's car door handles in peanut butter when he wasn't speaking to me. 9. If I get really angry, I can YELL very loudly reminiscent of my father's roar. 10. I don't get that angry very often 11. When I was in 5th grade, I beat up boys who got on my nerves; I was a very grump...

I saw this on one of the blogs I follow and decided it looked like a good idea for me. Here goes (with a twist): What I learned in 2008: 1. I'd rather be alone than have to hear how he never wanted to be with me even one more time. 2. I'd rather be alone than have to be afraid that he will keep me up all night. 3. I'd rather live for my children than die for my marriage. 4. I'm much happier on the whole, without him. 5. If I could, I'd stay with him. 6. I learned how small my world had become. 7. I discovered how freeing it is not to have to answer to someone for everything I do. 8. I realized how much I love being with my children. 9. I learned I had anemia - blood volume down 30%. 10. I learned that I had chronic gallbladder problems and had it taken out. What I want for 2009: 1. I want to lose weight and feel better in all areas of my life. 2. I want to be closer to my daughter before she goes to college. 3. I want to stop crying about the loss of my marriage. 4....

I stopped by the house to help him sort out his bills and talk to him about credit counseling. I let him touch me, hold me, massage me. He said he loves me. I said ,"you love me yet you don't want to be married to me?" That's messed up. He said, "okay, I care for you very much then." I rolled on my side and let him spoon me, remembering how it felt. He asked me if I had any guys to date. I said I had a few prospects that I would look into--probably not until the divorce goes through. He whispered in my ear, "I guess it's time to move on then" I guess so . I wanted to cry but didn't-- I do my crying late at night in my tiny room . I took a shower-- I like his better than mom's. Nice and hot, strong water pressure. I helped my son with his homework. I told daughter to get off the computer and do hers. I wrote down all the bills, balances, etc. Told him I would pay the utilities for him until the divorce goes through. Told him who needs ...