Take away the clutter
My lawn got mowed today. They trimmed,cut down the trees that were growing up by my fences, took all the clutter away with them and had it down in less than an hour. It's so wonderful to see my lawn mowed and things trimmed, flowers blooming. Sure I had to pay for it, but it's totally worth it.
Why didn't I do this a long time ago? Maybe my marriage wouldn't have died. If I just took over one more area, maybe two, perhaps I would still have a husband.
But then again, when I think about it, how much more was I supposed to be responsible for? How much easier could I have made it on him? Bills, taxes, paperwork, cooking, childcare, laundry, all things unpleasant and stressful were done by me---even looking after his mother when needed.
Last time we were together on speaking terms, I had a guy over spraying for bugs inside, out upstairs, down. X said to me, "I would have done it for a tank of gas!"
I just looked at him.
I am not doing things for everyone anymore. Daughter is going to have to get her own things taken care of --- get her driver's license, send out graduation announcements or not, pack a dinner to take to work or not. She is 18, capable and selective. She can do it.
Son can take the initiative to email his father if he wants to see him and make arrangements---after all, X isn't speaking to me anyway. OR X can email son or me and make arrangements for visitation.
I have so many things to be responsible for. It is scary and mind-boggling. I have no one to look after me, to be concerned if I do the things I need to, if I take my medicine or vitamins, if I make my bed or pay my bills. I have been doing all of those things for myself since I was 18. Sure, I have family who love and support me, but they don't jump in and do what needs to be done unless I say I need help or indicate that help is needed. That's fine.
But oh, oh, oh, do I wish I had a man to partner me, to share the burdens, stress, joy and bitter sweetness of life? Yes, yes yes, I do. Please God. I do.
Why didn't I do this a long time ago? Maybe my marriage wouldn't have died. If I just took over one more area, maybe two, perhaps I would still have a husband.
But then again, when I think about it, how much more was I supposed to be responsible for? How much easier could I have made it on him? Bills, taxes, paperwork, cooking, childcare, laundry, all things unpleasant and stressful were done by me---even looking after his mother when needed.
Last time we were together on speaking terms, I had a guy over spraying for bugs inside, out upstairs, down. X said to me, "I would have done it for a tank of gas!"
I just looked at him.
I am not doing things for everyone anymore. Daughter is going to have to get her own things taken care of --- get her driver's license, send out graduation announcements or not, pack a dinner to take to work or not. She is 18, capable and selective. She can do it.
Son can take the initiative to email his father if he wants to see him and make arrangements---after all, X isn't speaking to me anyway. OR X can email son or me and make arrangements for visitation.
I have so many things to be responsible for. It is scary and mind-boggling. I have no one to look after me, to be concerned if I do the things I need to, if I take my medicine or vitamins, if I make my bed or pay my bills. I have been doing all of those things for myself since I was 18. Sure, I have family who love and support me, but they don't jump in and do what needs to be done unless I say I need help or indicate that help is needed. That's fine.
But oh, oh, oh, do I wish I had a man to partner me, to share the burdens, stress, joy and bitter sweetness of life? Yes, yes yes, I do. Please God. I do.
I so understand how you feel. I am having to take care of my own lawn, but I will admit my dad does help when I ask. I admire you for stepping back and letting your kids get the hang of taking care of themselves. That is really hard to do.
ReplyDeleteI have been divorced for almost a year. I, too, would love to have a partner. I miss having a best friend, someone to share everything with...someone to wake up with every morning...come home to every night. I hope you find someone who will be good to you and love you like you deserve. Hang in there! hugs, tamita