stuck

Shortly after my previous post, he got me. First, in IM then on the phone. Same ole stuff but now is making out that I "wasn't there for him", not the other way around, so of course its MY fault. I don't know if I have the strength to go through all this. Most of the time, I am so glad to be rid of him but then something happens and I have a melt down.

Have I mentioned that I do not like roller coasters? Seems like I am stuck on one, like it or not, for the foreseeable future.

Today, I was busy taking care of college paperwork for my daughter and financial disclosure stuff for my lawyer. That started me off. Then husband is still in the running for that job in Florida so had a thing for that today.

A voice in the back of my head started to wail and sob----"DON"T LEAVE ME!!!!!" That's the voice of the young woman who married him, followed him around the world and back, stayed with him through so many problems for twenty years. Sometimes it gets hard to breathe.

Took my anti-anxiety pill. I should be okay after a good night's sleep.

Comments

  1. Just JulesApril 2, 2009 at 4:28 PM

    You must let yourself go through each emotional step.... just remember where you want to end and keep walking toward that point.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Empty Arms

Image
It was a rough weekend. I was feeling pretty blue to begin with--grieving the loss of my little family which has shattered to pieces, leaving just me and my son under one roof. Dunno what precipitated that pity party, but it was going on since Thursday. Friday, Son's father didn't call, text, or come to pick him up. Son was not inclined to make the effort either. I guess he figures that if his father wants him, he'd initiate. Saturday morning was particularly rough because Son had Saturday School---kind of like detention on Saturday, for being tardy to class after PE. Moving fast is not his strong suit ever. Plus, he doesn't wake up and get going easily either. Basically, Saturday was filled with Son's fussing, homework, tears, slamming of doors,and lot's of I-hate-you's. Yeah, pretty miserable all the way around. I think maybe it was a reaction to how he feels about what's happening with his dad. OR not happening. It culminated in Son sobbing in hi
Read more

Getting away from life

Did I tell you Ex is leaving for China / Indonesia to meet his gf for the first time and then see his family--possibly get a job there. He is going to leave me with a shambles of a house to clean up, his children to take care of, and his credit card bill collectors to tell that he doesn't live there anymore. I think I will change the phone number. I am not sure how I feel about all this. Maybe a bit scared of taking on the financial burdens with little hope of child support and no alimony. Going back into the same old house isnt my idea of fun either. Yet, I know that I can clean it up, repaint. I can do it. The lawn in the back has reached mid calf already. Probably he will leave that for me also---just as well. Last year it took him all summer to get the lawn finished through ONE time. It's not a big lawn.... I dunno, maybe he has the right idea-- new place, new start. If I had the money, I'd give him some just to hurry him along even if it means he is leaving my
Read more
Image
I'm mad at him for ripping my life apart. I'm mad because he married his China girl and hasn't told his kids and still tries to sleep with me. I don't know if there is anything valuable left in me. I gave him all I had and it wasn't good enough. Those were the best years of my youth, beauty, enthusiasm. Who wants the bits and pieces left behind? Frankly, there are still many times when I don't want to live, when I actually imagine slicing into my vein, when this life seems too hard, difficult, pointless. But, I love my children, my dogs, my mom. and so I go on.
Read more