in the dumps

I'm not feeling great today.

Yesterday was my birthday--apparently unbeknownst to my ex and children. My mom and sister remembered. My sis was very kind to bring us lunch and me a prezzie or two. My mom and siblings will have a party for me next weekend I think.

I am tempted to withdraw from the singles things that I am involved with. OR, at least stick to the meetings and not to the social side of things. I don't feel like anyone is interested in me as a person--I'm feeling badly about myself. Maybe I will limit my groups to the ones associated with church which actually they all are but one and even that one is in a church.

I'm depressed I suppose but what else is new. At least I am not feeling that I don't want to live. Bright side there I guess.

I know that if I keep up with this kind of attitude, ya'll will prolly get sick of me too. Heck, I am kinda sick of myself. ((yes, I know I am a bundle of self-pity this morning...))

Prior to all this, I never felt ugly. There was no difficulty fitting in, talking, joking, etc being in a social setting. Sure, sometimes I didn't know what to wear or didn't want to go but upon arrival, I was always fine.

Logically, it's easy to know that being rejected by the most important person in my life for the past twenty years is scarring. My therapist will probably advise me to start doing things for myself, which I have been. (I have to make an appt to get back with her too. I haven't seen her since December,maybe Jan.)

Should I put all my energy into my family interactions?
Should I immerse myself in church?
Should I stick to having female friends--something I haven't done since high school and then it was only a few?

(I've always preferred male friends to hang around but I do have female friends to talk to when I need a friendly ear and are true blessings).

I'm trying to be uber cautious about even talking to men. I don't believe half of what I hear, thanks to my ex. I do have a couple close male friends whom I enjoy chatting with. I feel downright hostile/ambivalent to any guy who tries to schmooze me...

Okay, I'll stop now. Open to suggestions here. halp.