BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Okay, we just did a Keystone Cops routine . I went in, puppies ran out. English bulldog from next door chased puppies around the yard. I chased English bulldog who was chasing the puppies around the yard, into my house where I chased them all aroun d again until they all ran back outside. Got puppies back in and English bulldog out. Opened the door to call my son in, and they were off!!!!! Did it all again, but this time, the neighbor lady and her daughter chased the bulldog who was chasing the puppies and I chased her and her daughter who were chasing the puppies, back into my house again. Whew, I'm tired!

Today, I woke up slowly. The dim morning light came thru the partially opened blinds as I remembered twenty years of Sunday mornings, long lazy mornings spent in bed with my then husband. I loved snuggling up to him, touching his skin, kissing the back of his neck, shoulder, back. All of our best times were spent in the bedroom. So, I was pondering all of this, missing it when I realized that's all that I liked -- the physical touch, closeness, affection. I had no desire to hear him speak about anything, be it trivial or important. The less he spoke, the better and the same probably held true for him toward me. So sad. I went to see the movie, "Julie and Julia" with my mom this afternoon. I enjoyed the movie a lot, but the focus on the marriages was disturbing. Both wives were close to their husbands, could share their happiness, feelings and frustrations with them. The husbands seemed to love, adore, cherish, and support their wives. Seemed like they found them...

Okay, enough of the annoying stuff. Let's have a relatively happy post..... I bought a new shower curtain with matching accessories. I had my old shower curtain for 15 years, or so, so I think I can finally part with it. I still like it tho. K, so I saw these cheery little froggy stuff -- a cute tumbler with a frog in it, a lily pad soap dish with a frog perched on the side, toothbrush holder, night light, toilet brush holder, rug, and shower curtain. Beautiful happy shade of blue with sunny yellow accents-- I LOVE the little hand towels. (Are you bored yet? ) Welp, the point is, they make me happy. Just looking at them makes me feel good. That's good, right? Okay another good thing. I love my lawn guys. They are like the husbands I never had. They even trimmed my hedge this week. I think they love me too!@!!!! :D I am trying to watch what I eat so that I can be healthier and feel better PLUS save money. Also, I am stepping back from the "Man Buffet" and a...

Okay, so I give up. I am no longer going to make the effort for him to have visitation with his son. I will give X what he wants until he is man enough to arrange to see his son through me. My poor baby was sick yesterday so I left him to stay at X's parents where X also now lives. Come to find out my poor son was harassed, harangued and generally emotionally abused for 2 hours about my email, me, and how his father has decided not to see him anymore. Son tried to leave the bedroom but his father made him stay in there and continued to carry on even though son was crying. I am SO done with it. I do not have to force reasonable visitation on X. He should be willing to arrange for it and communicate enough to make it work. Anyway my life will be that much better without having to hear about how he treats my son and what he says to son about me. Date: Wed, 26 Aug 2009 06:16:56 - From X To: Me Since you are making this a problem, lets agree for me to see him when he is 18. I hav...

My day was okay. Had this visitation stuff swirling around the back of my brain, but it didn't come out until after school when I called my lawyer. I was upset after that, so went to see my friend there in the office at work and she counseled with me a bit. She always makes me feel better. As much as possible anyway. So, I have a few hard choices. 1. Ignore it and hope it never happens again. Just let son go there, etc. as he wishes, without knowing what time he will be home, etc. 2. Contact his father via email which he claims to send to the SPAM filter, letting him know that it is unacceptable and try to work it out with him again. HOPING he might respond and be reasonable. yeah. I know. 3. Keep my son from making arrangements with his father and wait for the FATHER to contact me indicating that he would like to see his son, make arrangements with me, etc. 4. Let my lawyer send him a letter advising him that it is unacceptable to communicate solely via the children and that ...

I found out a bit ago that X took my son out of state this weekend without even telling me. They are on their way back now, but since I have sole custody with him only being allowed reasonable visitation, shouldn't he have TOLD me he was taking the son out of state??? I had no way of knowing until daughter told me. Plus he hasnt returned him back yet and there is school tomorrow. I don't even have a damn phone number that I can check on him. I had to call my daughter to let him know I needed my son back NOW. I was SO tempted to send the police there. He has reasonable visitation but has made no arrangements. It is only through my effort or son's effort that he has any at all :/ later: He finally returned Son just before ten pm. After that, son still had to do his homework, take a shower, etc.

My plans fell thru last night due to his having car trouble. We did talk on the phone a bit, so that kinda took up a bit of my evening in a good way. I went to church too. This gentleman is going to be a hang out buddy, I hope. Since I have tried to stick by my new policy of not calling, emailing, or texting men-- of letting them come to me--- it makes it difficult when I really do want to do something. So hopefully, this new friend will be someone who we can just hang out and do stuff together. It's a bit of an experiment, I know. I'll let you know if it works. I have enjoyed my weekend a bit more and tried to relax, rest, be productive house wise. I picked up my room, made my bed, did dishes,cooked dog food (ran out of dog food until payday so resorted to the old family tradition of cooking up scraps,etc). I left the puppies out last night to see if it were better clean up wise. I think they are getting better--2 out of 3 times, they go to the bathroom on the doggie m...

Happy Saturday! I woke up at four thirty this morning, took care of the puppies, made breakfast, putzed around on my computer and later, went back to bed. Been sort of productive today--- doin some housework. I guess part of the reason I was awake was I started thinking about my daughter. She still hasn't been able to buy her books for college yet, so I was pondering about how much I could help her with that. or not. This afternoon/evening, I have a "friend" date to go out to a movie, listen to some music, etc. I'm looking forward to getting out. Son has been pretty chatty this morning. I think he is happy. I might need a nap here in a bit. lol.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have a question for you all. My X's mother's birthday just passed. His father's birthday is in a week or so and his birthday a bit after. I thought about having the kids call their Oma (grandma) to wish happy birthday but opted not to. I think he should be responsible for that. What do I do about this and/or his upcoming birthday? Do I have the kids do something? He didn't bother for me last year when we were separated..... Ideas anyone?

Yesterday I left the house at 7:30 am and arrived home at almost 10 pm. Oh mi gosh. That was a long and tiring day. I have taken a second job after school -- about 15 hours a week so normally I would work just 9-10 hour days but last night had to take my daughter to karate so it was extra long. My kids were extra difficult yesterday--giving me a hard time, especially my son. Normally, he is very even tempered and so sweet but once in awhile, he can be SO much like his dad. Hopin today will be better that way. Meanwhile, half way to the weekend. woot.

Today, I am feeling grateful. I am thankful for my children. They have been what has kept me going through all of this, giving me a reason to get up and get moving everyday. I am thankful for my family-- without them, I am not sure I could have done this. I am thankful for my friends online and off line who have sent me encouraging words, listened to my sad stories, read my endless whining on the blog and are still here today as well as for those at work who have been there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, literally. I am thankful for David, who reached out to me over a year ago and wouldn't leave me alone until I let him in -spent innumerable hours counseling, consoling, and listening to me. He has been my rock, comforter, encourager and the standard by which I measure all men in my life. I am thankful that I have a house, a job, degrees, and a car. I believe that there has been a greater plan throughout all this. Being who I am, I believe that God knew this was going to happ...

Turns out no movie date with Army Guy tonite. I did have a nice time with the Widower last night though. I don't think I told you about him. Probably because I am not sure. It was our second date. So, I am home tonight feeling a bit blue. I have so much to offer the right man. I'm just scared that he may not find me. I don't like being alone. Sometimes I just want my life back. I know it wasn't much, but it was all I had.

From: jk b To: XHUSBAND@yahoo.com Sent: Tuesday, August 11, 2009 9:39:28 PM Subject: daughter Our daughter is sad right now because her boyfriend wants them to take a "break". We both know that is man speak for "I want to look around and see if there is something better". I have spoken to her, but she could use some fatherly advice. Please contact son regarding what time you want him this weekend and when you will bring him back. I don't know what time I am going to be home, sometimes my car is here but I am not. Please make sure he can get in the house before you drive off. Thanks. Julie X husband actually responds : Dearest J, I have always loved you in the past,... somehow somewhere our communication broke down. As much as I would like to blame you,.... I really did love you,.... You grew on me after awhile and I took you for granted. Please forgive me. This is the first email which I decided to read. My actions and decision to get a divorce was to...

Today, I had to go back to work, which is very tiring since I have had two months off--hard to get back in the swing of things. Pretty much, need a nap when I get home. Daughter moved into the dormitory at college today with the help of her father. I had meetings so suggested she ask him for help. It was nice that he did and took pictures of her in her room, etc. Wish we could have done that together but guess that's life. He did give her money to help with her expenses, so that is good. Gonna miss that girl--she was my right hand. Army guy asked me to go to a movie with him on Saturday. I'm pretty pleased about that. I just returned from my nephew's wedding yesterday. It was a beautiful wedding and wonderful to watch. However weddings are a bit depressing for me since I never had one of my own (eloped) and shortchanged myself on flowers, hearts, love for a 20 year booty call with a man who wanted a status. YaY me. However, it did occur to me that perhaps some day, ...

Earlier this evening, I was asked if I were to get a tattoo, what would it be? lol. It is an odd question to answer out loud. Here, no problem. But that moment, in the flesh, looking anything BUT, I respond "the word 'princess' " And of course, I have to explain that it would serve as a reminder that, as one dear person tells me, I am a princess and I deserve to be treated like one. Funny that I feel that I have to have it tattooed on my @ss in order to remember. lol. I'm going to my nephew's wedding this weekend. Not sure how I feel about weddings nowadays. The last one we went to was while my marriage was unraveling and all I could think about was how much I had cheated myself out of, how little my own marriage resembled anything similar. Yeah, nice huh. Funny how grief can make us the center of our own little world.

Son told me just now that his dad may be moving to China--that he might have a job teaching English there. I asked son, "Didn't you tell him that you don't want him to go?" He said he did, but didn't remember his dad's response. Worse than the fact that there will be no child support if he goes, is the fact that I will end paying his student loans--the ones I cosigned for. crap.

It's gettin to the point where I am going to have to get it together. Get my act together. I can't wait around hoping that X will do anything to support his children financially or in any other manner. Gonna have to just suck it up and figure out how to do this on my own. Rumor has it he is planning another trip to China, guess all his money is going toward that. It's just the kids and me. Just us. I never figured him for someone who would abandon his children at least not to the extent that he has. X keeps telling son how he hates me and my family. I wonder how that makes my son feel, my poor baby.

Daughter and her boyfriend went out to the garage to look for our juicer. Boyfriend observed a silver pot with a lid-- "Look there's a pot" "Don't touch that! It's the forbidden pot!" Chelsea warns. I holler from the kitchen -- " Don't touch that! It's PANDORA's POT" "Pandora's pot? Forbidden pot? What's a forbidden pot?" "Don't ask!" I tell daughter to get that pot and throw it in the garbage bag, take it to the dumpster. She brings it IN the house. "Get that out of the house! If it opens, you have to WASH it" "Calm down, Mom! I'm not gonna open it" She drops it in the garbage bag and of course it comes open. "agghh" "Get it out! NOW!!! HURRY!!!" I cover my nose, just in case. Boyfriend opens the garage door so she can run that way, catches a whiff as she runs past. "OMG what IS THAT!!!! It smells rank!!! What is the forbidden pot???" ( I ...

Some days, I hate me. I hate living. I hate having to go on. I'd rather be a puddle on the floor. a spot on the carpet. lint on your jacket. Just brush me off. Give me my Tears Give me my tears that leak from my eyes puddling around my breasts. Give me my soft sobs echoing in my empty room bouncing off my lonely bed. Give me my sadness, sorrow rising up from my belly pushing against my ribs. Give me my moment to feel the ache, the grief, the guilt until I open my eyes, my mouth and let it pour out to fill the empty room. When it gets to be too much, I will open the window and let it all blow away. jkb 6-10-09

Last night I went on a date with my favorite male --- my son. We saw the movie G-force, bought him popcorn and pop. Expensive too! Oh well, he is worth it. Today, I am thinking of my little Japanese friend and wishing she would come back to Facebook.... K, in regard to my recent bout of the blues. Apparently, I start having PMS a week or so before my period!?! So, next time I start getting down in the dumps, please remind me. Back in the day, it would be just the day before. Guess, I 'm getting older. My summer vacation is almost over. I have to work on Tuesday and Wednesday next week, off to St. Louis on Friday then work starting Monday again. School starts again on the 13th. The puppies are still keeping me busy. They have this sweet puppy smell and cute baby grunty noises. But boy oh boy are they a lot of work. I am going out with Denver guy again tonite before he returns home tomorrow. Feels like Sunday to me today.