BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

I made it through last night without the tranquilizer which is a good thing. Today I have been a bit edgy, anxiety creeping up, but so far am okay. I could go to my rebuilding after divorce class at church, but I don't want to. I don't want to see anyone, talk to them, socialize. I did have a date Monday night with a very interesting 6 " 7 bail bondsman. I enjoyed that. Dunno if it will ever happen again, but was good. I usually tell mom when I have melt downs, so she was a bit concerned to hear it and thought I would do it again last night. YaY I didn't but it is worth a bit of sympathy. She ironed my jacket, told me the family would come help me paint the walls this weekend, she would even buy paint. I think I might milk this for all its worth! just kidding. I'm trying to view this as a new freedom--complete freedom. No problem about the EXsex. I am no longer interested. In fact, I would rather not even see him before he goes. I am not interested in his...

Today, I was sluggish and weak when I woke up. Dragged myself to work, but felt pretty fragile. Sure enough, by 4th hour during my planning period,I had a meltdown--one of the worst at-work ones that I have had. When I realized it wasn't going away on its own, I quickly went to a trusted friend and confidante who talked me down. The reasons are the same as previous posts all combined into one with fear as a mixer. He is leaving next week, btw, for Asia. Distance should help. Brought my son home. He is my baby and I love him. Daughter was being very nice after school as well (I am not treating her as a confidante by the way. She is a teenager who has a right to what innocence is left her). We talked about what colors to paint the walls and decided to get rid of our old furniture for something cheerful. Also, as I can, I am going to have the windows replaced. There are only FOUR windows in the whole house! One of my pure pleasures is to be able to open the windows and let th...

I want to tell him to get out of the house by May 1st AND sign the divorce agreement that the lawyer draws up or I am going to make sure that he is not able to go on his fancy trip. (I can call the lawyer and have his passport taken). What do you think? I don't care about the money but I want this legal part done ASAP.

Before I was married, I had a relationship with my Ex in college. I was not his girlfriend, just someone he chose to sleep with. I am not sure why I was willing to settle for so little--I just needed the physical affection that he offered, despite knowing that he didn't deem me good enough to take around in public. At one point, he dumped me for a freshman girl, made some bad decisions, showed up late for his Senior Art show, etc. When I heard about that last bit, I went to see him. He was cold and rude. So, I left heart broken. A few days or weeks later,(on my birthday) he cornered me in the concession stand where I worked, saying he wanted to apologize. It turned out to be a long monologue about how his new girl fit in (and I didn't) how his friends liked her (but not me) she was what he wanted (and I wasn't). He went on and on. By the time he finished his "apology" I felt about two inches tall. It took me months to recover sufficiently to move on. A yea...

Got an emergency call from my daughter to pick her up--dad was late. By the time I got there, he was picking her up. So had the pleasure of watching him drive off with both my babies. That sucked. Had a brief pity party on the drive home, but dried up just in time to avoid 'splainin to mom. Checked my oil dipstick before coming in. Need an oil change. I've been mildly productive today: helped mom move fallen limbs, did dishes, cleaned up kitchen, swept and mopped floor. Made my bed, opened my windows. I love the breeze coming in. It's one of my fav things in life.

I came home today and crashed, planning on sleeping the whole night through and the rest of my life if lucky. Didn't take mother into account. She popped her head in about 9:30 and woke me up. durn. So, was reluctantly awake visiting with her for the past hour. Unfortunately, topic turned to Ex, marriage, in-laws and I ended up sharing with her my experiences as a new bride in an Asian household living in a foreign land. At the end of our conversation, she shook her head and said, your life is like a bad novel. Gee, thanks mom! It's been a blue week for me here. I'm hoping I am just hormonal, but have hit some pretty low points. I'm kinda tired of talking about it. Mom was right, it is like a bad novel. :/ Ok, let me think of some good things: 1. the weather is beautiful---warm, sunny and windy. I took one of my classes out to the playground today trying to perk myself up. It is hard to be down when its a gorgeous day and the wind is caressing my hair. 2. My d...

Here are excerpts from an email that my daughter received from my EX's older sister. I have added a few translations for you in the pink: ......As a young girl I've always wanted to do what pleases God & I'm very proud to share with you that when I married to Uncle xxxx at age 32yrs. I WAS STILL A VIRGIN ! I had dated a lot & always new deep in my heart that I will never let any Tom, Dick or Harry spoil my goal in life. ( translation: COZ I AM SO MUCH SMARTER THAN YOUR MOTHER) I tell xxxxx to have allot of friends girls & boys & don't get serious with a boy too early. I also tell her that she needs to focus on her studies, make good grades so she can get a scholarship to college as we can't afford it. (translation, so if you thought to ask US for help, think again!) Study hard, work hard & someday after she has a good job maybe see the world then she can think of settling down (Marrying) I've never wanted to marry young ...

It's been a different sort of week. Yesterday was so beautiful outside, but as I left work I felt so hopeless like life is just too hard. I had been okay during the day except for after stopping by the house during my lunch break and visiting with ex. I still cannot wrap my brain around the fact that he can be so loving toward me physically and yet want to leave me, move half way across the world to be with another woman that he hasn't met. I was puzzling over that the rest of the day when during the last hour, a student asked me if I am still married. When I said no, she asked me what happened. I shrugged and said the same thing that happens to many couples, leaving it at that. Thankfully, I didn't allow it to turn into a full blown hysterical incident. Instead, I got home, made dinner, then worked on Photoshop backgrounds for my favorite poems. That kept me busy and occupied until bedtime. YaY.

Basic Rights in a Relationship If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner: The right to good will from the other. The right to emotional support. The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy. The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view. The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real. The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive. The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business. The right to live free from accusation and blame. The right to live free from criticism and judgment. The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect. The right to encouragement. The right to live free from emotional and physical threat. The rig...

It's hard to describe how I have been feeling lately. I've been serene with occasional lapses into anxiety. In the past five days, I have heard him suggest that I take him back. I disputed this once and ignored it twice. He is not using the proper context nor attitude for such a suggestion to warrant the slightest consideration. Next time I head toward marriage with a man it is going to be clear that I am valuable to him, that I am worth every effort that it takes to be with, that he will respect me for all aspects of who I am, and I will not make due with any less than what I need. I am not going to be hooked with great sex, lots of money, security, etc alone. The next time I marry, it's going to be for keeps. Therefore, I refuse to be rushed into anything. I am worth waiting for. Oh, btw, if you are in a loveless marriage and need a human to talk to, I am not that person. I highly recommend professional counseling--individual and as a couple. Meanwhile, I will be ...

Did I tell you Ex is leaving for China / Indonesia to meet his gf for the first time and then see his family--possibly get a job there. He is going to leave me with a shambles of a house to clean up, his children to take care of, and his credit card bill collectors to tell that he doesn't live there anymore. I think I will change the phone number. I am not sure how I feel about all this. Maybe a bit scared of taking on the financial burdens with little hope of child support and no alimony. Going back into the same old house isnt my idea of fun either. Yet, I know that I can clean it up, repaint. I can do it. The lawn in the back has reached mid calf already. Probably he will leave that for me also---just as well. Last year it took him all summer to get the lawn finished through ONE time. It's not a big lawn.... I dunno, maybe he has the right idea-- new place, new start. If I had the money, I'd give him some just to hurry him along even if it means he is leaving my...

Today was my last Financial Peace class. YaY. I learned a lot and made some big decisions as well. Apparently, the house mortgage is in my name. So, rather than allow my credit to be trashed, I am taking over. I stopped by to have him sign an agreement---I will take care of the house and time share. He takes the credit cards and student loans. It didn't come easily though. He was very hostile, accusatory, etc blaming me for leaving him, for the condition of everything, etc. The last straw was when he asked my son if he wants a new daddy. Then, I lost it. I told him a few basic truths. He broke down sobbing. "I'm having a hard time letting you go; I can't let go; I love you so much." Ultimately, I comforted, reasoned, and calmed him down. He agreed to go to counseling, signed my proposal, etc. So, it's finally hit him that he is losing me as his wife. Sux. I know how he feels.

I have received an answer to a prayer that I hadn't prayed yet and I am pretty happy about it. Ex isn't. That's gravy.

I've always been astounded by the bittersweet moments of life--in moments, of near happiness the sharp little pangs of sorrow. Where I am staying, in my mother's house, there are windows everywhere, windows that can be OPENED, windows with SCREENS! I take pleasure in the simple act of making my twin size bed with it's ble and white quilt patterned texture, arranging the pillows just so, pulling back the seafoam green curtains with my late grandmother's beautiful lace sheers that I always admired. Here I open the windows and feel the gentle breeze as I sit near the window with my computer at my fingertips. Here I can sleep with the window open--it's a joy! Yet here I am without my children together and have only my own arms to wrap around myself as I sleep---bittersweet. My daughter is here with me today and will spend the night. We went to our class together, picked up a few things at the store -- material for her prom dress, flower for her hair, etc. She m...

Guess he changed his tune. Soon after the earlier post, I received a text: I apologize . Later, I had to drop my son by and had to go call that mortgage company AGAIN because they called again, he was better. As I was preparing to leave: "Come here. " I knew what he wanted. "What, I have to go get my sister." "Come here." (He was lying on the sofa) When I went by him, he pulled me down on top of him trying to kiss me as I struggled to get up, whispering in my ear " come back later, okay?" I said, nope. "Why not? Come back later." I got away and left, his smell still in my nostrils, the feel of his body against mine, his lips against my ear.... Later, on the phone: "Come over,I'll give you a massage...." I intend to resist, but it's hard. What is wrong with me?

The mortgage company for the house (that he wants to keep) called my work. Apparently he is behind on a payment and for some stupid reason my name is FIRST on the loan? I dont get that. I went over during my break to call from there. The place was dark, messy, smoky. He was probably sleeping. He'd left a pan on the stove with the burner still on. I opened curtains, picked up mess, and tried to call mortgage company, ignoring his repeated demands that I leave. My son has to go over there tonite. The place is a mess, father is a grump, life sux. Apparently, I am the bad guy. I asked him-- what did I do that was so wrong? What have I done wrong? Has everything just come down to a number? On my way back to work I called him . Fine, I'll keep the house. You move out and find somewhere else to stay, pay me part of the mortgage. No, now he wants to sell it. Maybe I should keep it. What if I am never in a position to buy another house? Even though it didn't get fixe...

I want.