I'm drowning
Before I was married, I had a relationship with my Ex in college. I was not his girlfriend, just someone he chose to sleep with. I am not sure why I was willing to settle for so little--I just needed the physical affection that he offered, despite knowing that he didn't deem me good enough to take around in public.
At one point, he dumped me for a freshman girl, made some bad decisions, showed up late for his Senior Art show, etc. When I heard about that last bit, I went to see him. He was cold and rude. So, I left heart broken. A few days or weeks later,(on my birthday) he cornered me in the concession stand where I worked, saying he wanted to apologize. It turned out to be a long monologue about how his new girl fit in (and I didn't) how his friends liked her (but not me) she was what he wanted (and I wasn't). He went on and on. By the time he finished his "apology" I felt about two inches tall. It took me months to recover sufficiently to move on. A year or so later, as things turned out, he re-initiated our relationship. After some reluctance, I acquiesced.
From there, we snuck around and eventually eloped so that he could get a green card. I married him because I loved him, wanted him and he married me for status. Seemed like a good deal to me. I was sure he cared about me much more than he realized. After all, how could he be so loving toward me if he didn't?
I was just 21; he was almost 29.
In between the loving affection where interludes of criticism, haranguing, degradation, and pain. Interspersed with those were financial concerns. Debt, bills, never enough money. Birthday, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentines---once in awhile a present but often an excuse of not having money.
Tonight I realized that in addition to his Japanese gf, his Chinese gf, and who knows what other internet gf, he has also started corresponding with HER, the freshman he dumped me for. So these past couple of weeks,when he has been harassing me about supposed boyfriends lined up to be with me;when he mentioned getting back together with me; when he held me in his arms every chance he could get me there---he was schmoozing her in text, in voice, and whatever way he could.
When he carried on, pouted, sobbed in my neck, he was schmoozing HER. He is living in my house. Not paying utilities or mortgage. Not planning on getting out until June 1st. Selling all he can to get a ticket to CHINA to meet his Chinese GF. Meanwhile, I am going to be left with bills to try to catch up on. He is taking viable money that could be used to support himself, to support his children, to pay his bills and using it on a wild goose chase.
I asked him but he wouldn't admit it until I told him I knew. He knew it would bother. I have wanted to see the best in him for so long that I ignored the huge gaping flaws in his character. I have allowed him to bring us to the point of financial ruin, to the point where I could never get my teeth fixed, the kids teeth fixed, new glasses--nothing that we really needed.
I asked him, what are you doing? This isn't like you. I never knew you to be so cold. You are dangling these girls around, schmoozing them, sweet talking them. That isn't NICE. You were a NICE person before. Why are you doing this? You could use the money to get set up. How can you do this? He said, I waste money on a therapist so he is doing his own version of therapy and it is none of my business
Can someone tell me how I can live with this? It feels too much.
At one point, he dumped me for a freshman girl, made some bad decisions, showed up late for his Senior Art show, etc. When I heard about that last bit, I went to see him. He was cold and rude. So, I left heart broken. A few days or weeks later,(on my birthday) he cornered me in the concession stand where I worked, saying he wanted to apologize. It turned out to be a long monologue about how his new girl fit in (and I didn't) how his friends liked her (but not me) she was what he wanted (and I wasn't). He went on and on. By the time he finished his "apology" I felt about two inches tall. It took me months to recover sufficiently to move on. A year or so later, as things turned out, he re-initiated our relationship. After some reluctance, I acquiesced.
From there, we snuck around and eventually eloped so that he could get a green card. I married him because I loved him, wanted him and he married me for status. Seemed like a good deal to me. I was sure he cared about me much more than he realized. After all, how could he be so loving toward me if he didn't?
I was just 21; he was almost 29.
In between the loving affection where interludes of criticism, haranguing, degradation, and pain. Interspersed with those were financial concerns. Debt, bills, never enough money. Birthday, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentines---once in awhile a present but often an excuse of not having money.
Tonight I realized that in addition to his Japanese gf, his Chinese gf, and who knows what other internet gf, he has also started corresponding with HER, the freshman he dumped me for. So these past couple of weeks,when he has been harassing me about supposed boyfriends lined up to be with me;when he mentioned getting back together with me; when he held me in his arms every chance he could get me there---he was schmoozing her in text, in voice, and whatever way he could.
When he carried on, pouted, sobbed in my neck, he was schmoozing HER. He is living in my house. Not paying utilities or mortgage. Not planning on getting out until June 1st. Selling all he can to get a ticket to CHINA to meet his Chinese GF. Meanwhile, I am going to be left with bills to try to catch up on. He is taking viable money that could be used to support himself, to support his children, to pay his bills and using it on a wild goose chase.
I asked him but he wouldn't admit it until I told him I knew. He knew it would bother. I have wanted to see the best in him for so long that I ignored the huge gaping flaws in his character. I have allowed him to bring us to the point of financial ruin, to the point where I could never get my teeth fixed, the kids teeth fixed, new glasses--nothing that we really needed.
I asked him, what are you doing? This isn't like you. I never knew you to be so cold. You are dangling these girls around, schmoozing them, sweet talking them. That isn't NICE. You were a NICE person before. Why are you doing this? You could use the money to get set up. How can you do this? He said, I waste money on a therapist so he is doing his own version of therapy and it is none of my business
Can someone tell me how I can live with this? It feels too much.
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