Bad Dream
I just woke up from a bad dream this morning. I dreamed that I was in a new house with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Technically, it wasn't him, but I would recognize him anywhere! He was following me around, bugging me, not letting me get away from him--pounding on doors, getting too close, tugging at me basically harassing me as he did for so many years when we would have a fight---often late at night until the wee hours.
As I said before, during our twenty year marriage,it used to happen once every so many months but toward the end was happening 2 or 3 nights a week. The only way to stop him was to get hysterical. Then, he would put me to bed and likely leave me alone. Anything less than hysterical would mean that he would bug me bug me bug me trying to "make up" basically forcing me to have sex. If I didn't, it would usually go on into the early hours of the morning. Worst part, was that toward the end I was recovering from a serious case of anemia, was depressed, suicidal, and had gallbladder problems. That's when I discovered hysteria as a way to end the abuse.
The thing is, since I wouldn't LEAVE the house, then there was really no place to go. And even if I did leave, at 2 am, 3 am, whose house would I go to? Then, I would have to explain,etc. Plus, I'm pretty sure he would have followed me.... To me, leaving the house because of a fight was a huge no-no. That was serious business and I never went there--as a friend says, "nothing good down that road!"
Anyway, I was pretty happy to wake up and realize it was just a dream. However, it also upset me. Not sure why--maybe reliving the abuse that happened for 20 years... I am not sure.
As I said before, during our twenty year marriage,it used to happen once every so many months but toward the end was happening 2 or 3 nights a week. The only way to stop him was to get hysterical. Then, he would put me to bed and likely leave me alone. Anything less than hysterical would mean that he would bug me bug me bug me trying to "make up" basically forcing me to have sex. If I didn't, it would usually go on into the early hours of the morning. Worst part, was that toward the end I was recovering from a serious case of anemia, was depressed, suicidal, and had gallbladder problems. That's when I discovered hysteria as a way to end the abuse.
The thing is, since I wouldn't LEAVE the house, then there was really no place to go. And even if I did leave, at 2 am, 3 am, whose house would I go to? Then, I would have to explain,etc. Plus, I'm pretty sure he would have followed me.... To me, leaving the house because of a fight was a huge no-no. That was serious business and I never went there--as a friend says, "nothing good down that road!"
Anyway, I was pretty happy to wake up and realize it was just a dream. However, it also upset me. Not sure why--maybe reliving the abuse that happened for 20 years... I am not sure.
For twenty years since the divorce from my 1st love and the husband of my children who left me for my best friend at the time, I have experienced similar dreams. "He" was always in them, we would see each other, begin to walk toward one another, and she would step in. We would step apart. So many variations on the same theme, across a crowded room, across a pond, a swimming pool, a street, on and on. We could never meet. Never talk. Never resolve. "She" always presented herself as his partner as she entered into the picture.
ReplyDeleteAfter the terrible aftermath of awakening from these dreams, I studied and discovered the term called "Anxiety Dream Disorder." It is different from "Night Terrors," in that Night Terrors cause a person to awaken, sometimes screaming, with no memory of the nightmare.
Anxiety Dream Disorder, however, causes the person to awaken with vivid memory of the dream in a sickened state emotionally.
Yes, the good news is that this can be part of PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and, with help, do not have to last forever.
I know the name of a wonderful PTSD workbook that I only recently found and worked through after 19 years after my rejection and the aftermath that followed in my life. If you are interested, let me know, and I will get the name of the book to you. It is a self-help book written by one of the world's top experts.
Once I worked the very easy exercises, I began to feel again: feel love, feel rested.