BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

One of the greatest frustrations that I deal with now that I'm disabled, is that no one can truly understand what I'm going through.  There is such a wide array of problems that now make my life difficult, it's impossible to explain really.  I know it is unreasonable of me to expect that, no one can possibly step into another person's situation to understand.  Nonetheless, it is upsetting. I'm hoping that eventually, I can come to terms with all of this.

It's a weird situation to be in --- taking care of my mom.  Currently, her mental capacity is somewhere between child and preteen, I think.  She is preparing to go to church with my brother and sister-in-law.  So far, she's come to ask me what she is supposed to do with her hair, where is her lipstick, what does she do with eye shadow, and where is her cane.  If told too early, she will get ready hours in advance and be all dressed up waiting impatiently. I think she used coloring pencils to put her eyebrows on.   Does that even work?  She has eyebrows on, so maybe it does. She's been in extra pain for a month now since she fell off the bed, landing hard on her side.  Her right hip is more painful than normal.  Yesterday, she said she might need to see a doctor, which is fine, but even if it's cracked or anything then they would want to do surgery.  I don't think she can make it through the process of x-rays, dr. visits, surgery and ...

Remember that huge, annoying situation that wouldn't go away?  I solved that.  As of July, I've moved onward and upward.   Because I'm such a catch, I have had a boyfriend for several months now and he is amazing. Even so, I'm not rushing into things.  I am pretty optimistic though.  Dating in one's fifties is not for the faint of heart.  Try adding disability to that mix.  Even more daunting.  I'm pretty blessed that I found someone who embraces me exactly as I am.  There was a trial for the person responsible for my disability (well the one they caught of the group).  He was found guilty, so I will accept that as sufficient.

Look what I brought to the curb, even with a walker! Dragging the dumpster with one hand, holding on to my walker for support with the other wasn't particularly pleasant, but not impossible---which actually is a pretty accurate description of my life lately. Hold on a second while I repeat that to myself: *My life isn't pleasant lately, but it's not impossible.**** (Yes, I know. It brings to mind that "all things are possible for those who believe" and in God all things ARE possible). I've been feeling that this summer has been the worst. Last summer, I got shot! That actually was the easy part. Even the hospital, in hindsight, feels like it was the easy part. Anyhooooo, covered in blankets, sleeping days away due to medication and feeling pain/paralysis/spasticity creeping up is not my fav way to spend my days. I am looking forward to school starting back up! All of that gloom and doom can take over if left unchecked. Then, there are evenings when I...

So much has happened, that I cannot even put here.  So I'm going to avoid one huge annoying aggravating situation that won't go away.   Instead, let me fast forward a bit.  I got shot in the back with a shotgun during a robbery in front of my home last year.  Almost exactly one year ago.   I now carry 9 pieces of lead buckshot in my upper back which hurts, nerve pain, and partial paralysis which actually has its own name:  Brown Sequard Syndrome.   Annoying is what I call it. Doctors refuse to remove the buckshot (I've talked to 3-4 different ones so far). I can't list all the things I've lost anywhere else, but you don't mind if I do right?  Well it's my blog post, so I will attempt to: I can't sleep on my side or pretty much any position other than my back  which means I cannot snuggle or sleep in my husband's arms.   Due to that and his own disabilities, sex is not possible or anything resembling it really.   In fa...

I wish I didn't care if my ex lives or dies. I care too much, mostly for the sake of my children, partly for hopes and dreams long gone but unforgotten, for a future unfulfilled. My heart is torn so many ways for so many reasons. I don't know how I go on. I never knew there were so many tears to cry, so many regrets to have.  Last Winter, his kidneys shut down completely.  I had to make immediate plans to get the kids over to JAKARTA to see their father just in case the worst happen.  Oh yeah.  He moved to the other side of the world, away from his children, away from his Chinese wife. I forgot to tell you that, didn't I?   He gave his children one weeks notice that he was leaving.  It broke their hearts and continues to do so on a regular basis.  Me?  I gave him a ride to the airport with the kids, after having helped him pack up things and move things from the apartment.  Why would I help?  Well... I couldn't let my kids do all t...

  From the article "6 Things Not to Share Unless You're SURE You Won't Break Up" ---- This one, I identify the most with:   "Your cutesy relationship/lifestyle blog.  We've all read 'em. Those mommy blogs full of pictures of happy, smiley, attractive, usually Mormon families who seem to live in homes that could only exist on Pinterest and who always, ALWAYS seem to have perfect marriages to handsome husbands who wear bowties a lot. These women literally make a living showing you how to lead a good life. Seems like a pretty sweet gig, right? But before you go sign up for your Blogspot account, you gotta be REALLY sure about your  relationship  because can you even imagine having to explain to the thousands of strangers who you have let into your life that, oops! Harold actually got a wandering eye at a bowtie convention and now our life is in shambles. Let's leave the public relationship humiliation to the celebrities, okay? " :(

I jerk awake at 2 am.  He is in the middle of a dream, lying on his back, shouting, punching the bed. Calling his name, I reach out to grasp his forearm, sliding my hand down to his in a firm handshake. He freezes, pats my arm with his other hand as if making sure I'm really there, then goes back to sleep. I can feel his heart pounding through his hand. There is no time to drift off myself, as he slips almost immediately into another nightmare. Again, I wake him.This time, he grabs my hand with both of his as a drowning man clings to a rope. Between the remnants of the dreams--this time of physical combat and searching for explosives, he twitches as a painful muscle spasm racks his body punctuating the aching in his back where shrapnel remains. He's so tired of pain, so tired of dreams. So tired. It's 3:50 am. Words, phrases, sentences have been wrestling about in my head. Perhaps putting them here will bring sleep back.

Lying in bed with napping hubby. Suddenly he jerks awake and looks at me. "Are you okay?" I ask. He nods. "I just threw a grenade." At a loss, I inquire: "Did you wake up before it went off?" He nods. Still at a loss.... I comment--" Good. If I dreamed that I threw a grenade, I'd want to wake up before it went off." He grunts and goes back to sleep. Some husbands dream of other things--fishing, girls, games. Mine dreams of grenades, torture, explosions--dreams filled with smoke, screaming, and gunfire, punctuated by the physical pain of old injury earned in service to his country. I love him and pray for him. ♥

Yesterday, I found out something that should be a deal breaker---something that endangers my family, my way of life, my security, my marriage. Trust is such a fragile thing that I have been working to develop; starting from scratch on that one again. Either way it goes looks to be difficult, unpleasant, possible catastrophic on a personal, emotional, financial, social level. I'm trying to move past it hoping that it will never happen again. He promised. again. Marriage is a conspiracy of two. I cannot tell anyone about it because family, friends, coworkers might think less of him. There are two people I might be able to tell, but one.... well read on. Today, I feel like I've lost my steady footing. A dear friend whom I love has lied to me, moved on, something. I cannot blame him, but feel like I've lost him. Truth be told, he hasn't been there for me for over a year when I desperately needed him. I still need his support and advice. Sad that might be gone forever-- esp...

There is no one worthy of trust. No one is trustworthy. Some things are impossible to tell. Too horrible to admit. If my life goes in the crapper again, I do not think I can pull myself up.

I haven't updated since two minutes ago---but before that, I haven't updated for MONTHS. A lot has happened. I got married again. I eloped for the second time in my life. This time however, I actually told about five people -- my mom, children, best friend, my work mentor, and the secretary at work. Okay, that makes SIX people. Oddly enough, eloping the second time is more difficult. SO many more people who are interested, shocked and apparently, would have liked to know. I went to work the next day -- "Oh by the way, I got married yesterday". Umm, yeah. Things hit the fan. Even now, 3 months later, some people are shocked to find out. OH WELL. That's how I roll ;p Yup. I'm married. I love him, enjoy his company, but his issues still exist. Thus far, he's been patient with my poking and prodding him to cut down on this and that. We'll see how that works out. Meanwhile, his son who has mild retardation has come to live with us. His mot...

I wrote this in 2007 but it is applicable still! Sometimes, we don't need to know everything. There is something to be said for choosing to remain ignorant of details. Often, it is listening to those details recited by coworkers, friends, family that causes us to get worked up and stressed out. Also, not knowing details helps keep us from gossiping which is like starting a wildfire. Spreading those juicy details is what gets people all riled up. It's back to my new favorite concept of keeping my mouth shut so the stupid doesn't fall out and cause problems for other people. Proverbs 10:19 says that when words are many, sin is not absent and points out that he who holds his tongue is wise. Elsewhere in Proverbs, it says that even a fool who hold his tongue may appear wise.....I figure that would be an excellent plan for me! March 1, 2007 at 5:33pm

I woke up from a bad dream about the house. Lately, I've been dreaming that I left something or things behind which were important. :/ Unfortunately, I wasn't able to clean the house out like I should have. There was no one to help me, plus I found it incredibly difficult to do ANYTHING at all there. The last night before the closing, I couldn't drive in by the house because a huge tree had fallen on the neighbors house so clean up crews filled the cul de sac. I walked in and grabbed whatever I could and carried it out but left SO much behind--mostly stuff I didn't want, but I'm sure that there were important papers, mementos etc that I should have taken. Also, I was so embarrassed to leave the house in disarray---felt like white trash. In spite of the dreams, I am finished with the house business except for the taxes on the 40,000 dollar discrepancy between what I owe and what the house sold for. However, I've been told that I can file a hardship petition th...

New relationships in ones 40's are so difficult. Some things are deal breakers; others are tolerable. The big question is: will tolerable become intolerable at some point? I'm afraid that it may becoming too easy for me to say "that's fine; take your (habit, inclination, predilection- pick one) and move along." Since most of us are NONfixable fixer-uppers, it seems best to find someone who has the most compatible flaws--AGHH.

I have myself in a bit of a pickle. Joe and I might get married. He's made a lot of changes, but the kinds of things he is working on take time and are difficult to change. When I'm with him, I think "We can do this!" When I'm not, I start worrying. I have trust issues. How do you trust someone completely? I usually take things at face value, but reserve judgement and observe. I'm not sure I'm ready to step away from the "man buffet" As long as I have a main course at home, I'm good. That's part of the question. Will there be a main course? What is love anyway? I really have no idea anymore. Caring? That comes easily for me. I can care deeply about many people--have and do. What is the difference between that and love? I'd like to be taken care of. I don't want to be the primary caregiver yet. He needs looking after. Why do I have to be the one to do that? I don't think that people are capable of "fixing...

Welp. A lot has happened, not much that I'm happy about. My X's wife and stepson are now here in the States. - - It's not like I want him or anything, not like I care if he has a wife. Even so, some part of me is unsettled. My daughter moved ALL of her things from his apartment to mine and now my house is almost unbearable---things are spread everywhere throughout the living room/dining room and kitchen area. I love my daughter, but between her belongings, clothing, craft/art stuff, cooking things, computer stuff, play station and Wii accessories.... The house should be finished going thru a short sale by Aug. 14th or else a sheriff's sale a few days after that. Meanwhile, I'm stuck needing a place to put my friend/boyfriend whatever he is. I really can't have him living with me... I just want to help him get back on his feet so he can have a better life. I feel somewhat trapped. Frankly, there are a few things I cannot live without---and so far those are ...

I sent this to my son's father--I'm not sure why I bother. All I can think of is that if I can prevent a huge gaping hole in my son's heart/soul/psyche, it would be preferable to his desperately trying to fix it later : You have barely seen your son this summer. What is wrong with you? Every child deserves to feel loved by a parent. Do you think he feels loved by you? Words are one thing, but actions are another. Doesn't matter how much we tell him we love him if we don't ACT like we do. Can't you at least send him messages or emails? Just make your time with him happy times, a few hours a week. Why is that so hard? Instead, he gets to remember that his father was practically next door and made little to no effort to see him. You are scarring your son for life. This is a golden opportunity to be a loving father---to show your son what it feels like to be LOVED by his dad ,that no matter what he does, you will always LOVE him. Did you feel that from your...

Here was my family. Sadness. Sad. sad. sad me.