BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

I had a mostly a good day yesterday-- got up early, used my old fashioned reel mower to mow the front yard (hard work---like carpet sweeping the yard) then trimmed it. The back yard calls for a real REAL lawn mower. Speaking of which, I'd been talking to son that maybe X would give me the lawnmower back since he is letting his parents house go into foreclosure and moving into an apartment. So, yesterday, Son called me saying his dad wanted the HD TV converter box. I asked, "What will he give me?" Son passed that message along and I heard him in the background So, I went over to Navy's and got the converter from him since he wasn't using it. But when I called Son to see about bringing it to them, he said his dad decided to SELL the lawnmower. That upset me. He was just being hateful and evil. Why was I surprised? It sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the evening--I alternated between wanting to smash/break things or die. I just took something to help...

I'm glad it's the weekend, but it tends to be the loneliest time for me---too much time to think, too much time by myself. Meanwhile, I'm going to use this time to clean up my house. If all else feels like a wild stampede of cattle toward the cliff, keeping my house in order helps me feel like SOMETHING is good. lol. I've already told Son that he cannot go to Houston with his father. There are several reasons for this: I don't trust my X; he doesn't pay anything toward Son's school; Son would miss 3-4 days of school and I would be stuck with the headache of trying to help him catch up; X will not communicate with me, answer my calls or emails which only pertain to issues with his Son anyway ; and so far have yet to receive child support this month. Not gonna send my child off with someone who hates me, wants to hurt me, and refuses to communicate regarding child issues. That makes sense, right? I realized the other day that from my gross monthly pay, I ...

It's so beautiful outside!!!! It feels cool, but not cold with nice breeze blowing. This is the kind of night that I would love to have someone special with enjoying it---sitting out on a back porch, cuddling, smooching, gazing at the night sky, loving it. Dear God, please bring him soon! I don't want to waste a moment that I could be with him, whoever he is.

Happy Tuesday. Cookie ran away to her "Dad's" house again (My X). Pretty soon, he is moving and she will be showing up at a stranger's doorstep. She's such a brat.

My lil bro fixed my sliding door---it now opens and closes like butter. He also fixed my son's laptop, bought me some furnace filters, and the other day he fixed my leaky pipe under the kitchen sink. He loves me. So one man in my life does . My mom gave me some money to buy groceries - 60 dollars. 40 of that I had to use for a stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid personal thing which if I didn't could have had severe financial/personal repercussions. I regret that. done. gone. nothing I can do but regret it. Tryin to let it go. Okay enough of my attempt to look at the bright side. I'm not feelin it. Sigh. I'm sad because Navy... I'm tired of waiting around for him like a pathetic puppy who just wants a lil attention. Obviously I'm not a priority, not even close. I can't even talk about it. Coz I'm stinkin sad.

Another quiet weekend spent alone. I'm recovering from a cold, so Nyquil is currently my best friend. My sliding door is totally falling apart and I don't know what I 'm going to do. I need a handy man who works for free. Things are tight financially as I try not to rely on child support---never knowing if or when I am going to get it is exhausting, but not having it means that there really isn't room in my budget for food.... I know I should cancel my internet and cable, but then what will I do during my weekend since I am now on a man diet? Anyhoo, if child support doesn't come thru, it will be shut off soon enough. Sallie Mae wants money for X's student loans and if I don't pay something by the end of the month, it won't be good. Meanwhile, I've got my own that I'm trying to get deferred, medical bills to pay, blah blah---all things that are also not in the budget. X wants to take Son to Houston in Sept. for a couple days to meet up with my...

Welp, school has started and there goes my summer. It was an odd one--not what I hoped for, but guess it was sufficient. The temperatures here have been in the 100's now for a couple weeks--my car said it was 115 the other day. Certainly felt like it too! I've been staying indoors as much as humanly possible. I am still following my man diet pretty closely. There were new guys I could have followed up on, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. Prolly, I'm just tired of the dating wheel. I dunno. Haven't heard much from Navy unless I text or call him first---He's busy enjoying his new vehicle and was busy being a biker this weekend. He stopped by a bit ago to return some money he borrowed and not a moment too soon! I have been soooo stinkin broke n mom has been paying for all kinds of things for me. Makes me feel bad :( My sliding door is going to need to be replaced. I do have one in the garage that can be installed ---need to find someone who k...

First of all, let me say that I think I love North Carolina and want to move there. The men are hawt, they have smexy accents, and funny idioms... plus the name places are cool (i.e. Lizard Lick, Kill Devil Falls--what's not to love??)mmm plus I think the grow 'em bigger there! :) I have to go back to work next week, which makes me really ANTSY right now. I'm all tense, uptight and wanna do somethin crazy. Meanwhile, I have a date tonite-- a second date. This guy is definitely a diamond in the rough, not in a good way but he is sweet and good company. I'm suffering withdrawals from NAVY too coz he finally got himself a new manly macho truck. He's so happy about it too, that I can't begrudge him the thrills. However, I do miss him lotz since I have been driving him back and forth to work for weeks now. I'm afraid he won't even miss me :(( sigh.

Sad. Sad. sad . sad . sad . kinda of. Been watching episodes of "Growing up Twisted" --- the Snider family---Twisted Sister? remember? I like the show--and surprisingly, Dee Snider is a great guy--seems like. What a nice family. He's romantic, caring, and LOVES his wife after 34 years. Point is, I got tears in my eyes. :/ My X decided try out his polite words-- texted me and asked me for copies of the 2007 and 2008 tax returns. I didn't reply, just emailed the pdf files to him. His response? " Thanks muah, I owe you a massage". . w. t H exigon ?? I didn't reply. Not to the text not to his stinkin stupid massage comment. That was always his answer to everything, his way of getting what he wanted---"ohhh just put my hands on her and she'll do anything I ask." I don't plan on ever speaking to him again. Not after the things he said to me the last time we spoke. Oh, nothing I hadn't heard before, but nothing I ever plan on giv...