BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Son and I were on our way home after dropping Navy at work. We pulled up behind two motorcycles-- a couple on Harleys. Son said "Why are all biker chicks blonde?!" As far as I know, Son has no experience seeing or being around biker chicks.... "When have you ever seen biker chicks? I'm pretty sure they aren't all blond!" "YOU'RE blonde." "Umm, I'm not a biker chick unless you see me actually riding on one!" "You're almost! That was a close call there with Dad, Mom. He was going to get a bike. Now you're with Navy, he's a biker. Mom, the heaven's have opened up and declared that you are destined to be a biker chick!! It's only a matter of time!" lol. funny kid.

Only a week or so until I have to go back to work, so I have been trying to keep myself busy and doing things in order to build my "work" stamina up. lol. A summer of rest and relaxation makes for a hard transition going back to the daily grind! I am no longer on antidepressants. YaY. Welp, I do have something for emergencies, in case I have an "episode". But that I take on an "as needed" basis. Meanwhile, I think I'm doing well. Some days, I feel so optimistic about my life, happy, upbeat, etc. That is really different for me and a bit scary--hard for me to trust in those feelings. Other days, like today, I feel scared---I wonder if I can keep the house (mortgage payment equals half my monthly salary), wonder if I can get it fixed up, wonder if I can pay for my car, my son's braces, etc. Being alone, without anyone to share these concerns with, without having someone to join in making a plan and execution of it... wow. A bit overwhelming,...

It's been a mostly uneventful weekend. Due to an ailment of a personal nature, I was not feeling up to much. Plus, I'm still sticking to my man diet. One of Navy's biker friends kept hitting on me via My Space. Of course he wanted nothing but NSA sex, so I closed my My Space (he was really the only person I talked to on there) and deleted him from my other stuff. As I have previously said, my 20 yr marriage was pretty much a big booty call, aka, NSA sex, so I'm searching for more this time around. I will be so disappointed if there is really no such thing as love for me. I watched "Hope Floats" with Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr today. What a great show---I wanted to crawl in the TV and pretend it was my life. Sooo pathetic. lol Saturday, Son called me needing salt---told me it was an emergency and his dad wasn't home. Doting mother as always, brought it to him. As he came out of the house he said, "Hey Mom, guess what Dad has you saved as o...

Go ahead, throw words and words and words over me until I am covered. A strong wind comes--they blow away. Save me the trouble of sneezing from the dust of your pointless particles, your endless verbage. Verbs are action words for a reason. Action speaks more to me than your cheap, cloying, meaningless cliches. I' m closing my ears and opening my eyes to SEE what you are really saying. :( jkc 2010

Have spent this weekend alone. Son left last week for a trip up North with my mom and uncle. I was supposed to go but chose to stay home instead. Not happy about being alone this weekend, but at least I haven't had any meltdowns or anything. I'd say that is a good thing. Probably a good idea for me to go to the library for books to read if this alone thing keeps up.

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Sometimes I go and read my blog entries from a year ago to reassure myself that I have made progress, as well as remind myself of what was happening. Here is an entry about my childbirth experience that says so much about my marriage and it falls in sharp comparison to what Navy's was with his wife.

Navy and I were eating lunch before he went to work today. The topic of childbirth came up and he was talking about the birth of his children etc. It was very nice to hear him talk about it but suddenly, I got all choked up. It struck me that all the shared experiences of 20 years---20 years of my life that I spent married to my X, all of it is all gone. After having gone through all that including pregnancy and childbirth, it SUX that my partner is no longer part of my life. It's not supposed to be that way. I told him so. He didn't laugh or get mad, looked to me like his eyes were a bit watery too. He kept telling me about his experience and we finished our lunch. Now, don't go thinking ooohooo that's depression. No, it's not. That is called grief. The main difference is that grief sneaks up on ya, a sudden burst of emotion, then it goes away until next time. I've had both now and I can tell the difference.

Postponed my road trip so that I can drive Navy to work and pick him up in the mornings. Been rainin crazily here every day and couldn't stand the thought of him riding his bike in the pouring way to or from work. His medicines are so so so expensive. One of his diabetic pens is going to cost 900 for a month supply---after insurance he says. Hard to believe. Things are difficult for him dealing with all the medical issues, costs, medicines, finances right now. Mom gave me money to give to him for groceries and when I gave it to him, he said "when was the last time she had her butt paddled?" THAT was a strange mental picture. Meanwhile, he was pretty happy to get food in his cupboards -- I know coz I followed his tattooed hairy self around the store while he shopped. I went to the Dr. yesterday for blood work and filling prescriptions. Talked to her about the fact I've been weaning off of my antidepressant, which has gone very well so far as I can see. The o...

Why is life so confusing? My world exploded--here I am trying to grab bits and pieces of what I had together. Sure, it was messed up but it was MINE!!!!! My life revolved around husband, kids, job. My energy was focused on keeping all the plates spinning, keeping my world from crashing over the side of a cliff---food on the table, bills paid, blah blah blah. It was stressful, sometimes unbearable, but at least I knew it. The one thing I could count on was a warm body in my bed, arms to hold me; it anchored me. For over 20 years, my life revolved around him. Now, everything is out of whack, out of kilter, spinning crazily. NO, I don't want him back, but I hate this uncertainty that my life has become, the lack of anything to center me. Half my family is gone elsewhere, both son and daughter lash out at me in anger... I was a wife and mother--what am I now? This is the point where the panic starts. When these kind of thoughts come with tears, agitation, hyperventilation, and ...

Publish Post Lazy morning Rainy day Brief shopping Great nap Family meal Grilled meats Strawberry and spinach salad Delicious desserts Piles of nieces on a couch with my kids thrown in. Teasing sister about her left of center tramp stamp. Lots of joking. Too much food. Looks to be a solitary evening. Just me and the dogs.

Welp, I've been up thinking. yeah, I know it's dangerous. But long overdue. I texted M--who I kicked to the curb but was corresponding with. Told him that I am not looking for sex, but am looking for love and long term. Texted big truck fix it guy- B, who is having surgery today, that I said a prayer for him and exchanged a few texts to help rally his courage. Texted Navy - "I love you." which I do, if ya'll haven't figured that out. Not gonna change the fact that I'm tired of chasing him, but decided I might as well tell him. Doesn't really matter what he says or doesn't say. I'm pulling down my profiles off the singles sites. Whatever I'm doing so far isn't helping me. Decided that I am going to focus on me, my health, my house, my life, and those that I've already brought into my life up to this point. If I am home on the weekends, so be it. Just another opportunity to get myself straightened up. I might even spend my week...