BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

I love: snuggling in bed, hearing the rain outside. standing outside at night, enjoying the wind before a storm. sleeping with a fan blowing near me 365 days a year. touching a sleeping man's back. sunny, beautiful mornings when the birds are singing, the house is quiet and I feel strong. things that smell good --- gooey cinnamon rolls, petunias, honeysuckle, expensive perfumes, fresh cut grass, babies, puppies, the smell of a hard working man. being petted like a cat, held as I go to sleep, fondled unexpectedly, hugged and kissed. someone being kind to me, doing something thoughtful that I need but wouldn't ask for. a romantic love song a beautiful poem dreaming.

I've been watching the movie RUDY. Once, at a teacher party, my late colleague Peter Stepan pronounced this movie most like me. Never having seen the movie, I was less than flattered. Now, I think it the highest compliment. For twenty odd years, all I have heard from my husband and his family is that I am less than and I have struggled to prove that I am more than via acquiring language, education, keeping my head above financial flood waters and whatever life has thrown my way. It's ridiculous for me to try to prove myself to THEM. Guess I'm also trying to prove it to myself. Lately, I've been thinking of giving up. Why keep struggling, suffering, hoping to achieve the things I dream of? I dunno. After watching this movie, seeing as how Peter thought I was a Rudy, maybe I'd better keep trying, striving, believing, and hoping. My children are in Dallas with their father, grandparents, and my ex sister-in-law who is here from Jakarta. Knowing ...

Welp, I've been home resting and recuperating all week thus far, and tomorrow is a snow/ice day. Guess that's an early spring break for me. YaY. Boo for being sick tho! I'm feeling much better now with antibiotics and just a cough and headache to remind me. Put sheer white curtains up around my four post bed. That made me happy. Bought a bundle of yellow towels for my bathroom that I am still loving. My house is clean; I have no where to be and plan on staying put for a few days during this storm. I failed to mention that yesterday I took Navy guy to get a new battery for his jimmy before work. He was being very pleasant and personable, which made me miss him. He also sent me a text that if it didn't work out with my"company" to let him know. Suddenly, he's more talkative. I dunno if it's the whole not wanting to be unsingle thing or what. His texts this morning said stuff about the bike club having issues that he didn't want to get me in ...

I'm mad at him for ripping my life apart. I'm mad because he married his China girl and hasn't told his kids and still tries to sleep with me. I don't know if there is anything valuable left in me. I gave him all I had and it wasn't good enough. Those were the best years of my youth, beauty, enthusiasm. Who wants the bits and pieces left behind? Frankly, there are still many times when I don't want to live, when I actually imagine slicing into my vein, when this life seems too hard, difficult, pointless. But, I love my children, my dogs, my mom. and so I go on.

Navy biker/trucker x bf guy called me to come give him a jumpstart this morning, which I didn't mind a bit. I was glad he did. After, he sent this: "6:12 AM 1/27 hey,thanks again for the help.goin bed.gonna try and figure out how to get to work later.hope your company worked out well for ya.sorry you sick and sorry bout us.guess i wasnt ready yet to be unsingle." I've been sick all week and off work with chills, aches, sweats, sore throat, swollen glands, etc. Today, got some antibiotics. was so sick I had to keep son home to help me. I'm a baby. I wish I had my old husband here to rub my hair.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always To be blest: The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home, Rests and expatiates in a life to come. -Alexander Pope, An Essay on Man, Epistle I , 1733 Things have been looking up around here. I have finally cut the tie with Navy guy and have moved on to dating again. Currently, I am quite optimistic about a particular country gentleman who I've been corresponding with since the beginning of December. We have graduated from several emails a day to text and phone calls plus emails. We actually have so much in common that we have been talking for hours at a time, usually about three hours but it went to seven hours on Saturday. SEVEN I know it's crazy. I am going to stick with this for awhile to see where it goes. We will meet next Saturday and are both really looking forward to it. I'm going to keep the details about him to myself for a bit. :)

Welp, good news is, I'm okay. Saturday nite, had an "episode" which kept me up crying until 3 am. Sunday, was pretty peaceful--just me and the doggies only interrupted by taking daughter to work and a brief date with a nice man. I probably won't see him again, but that's okay. It got me out of the house. Had a date last weekend too with a different man who I will likely never see again. But that was a nice time too. Yes, I am dating again. I have mixed feelings about it, but there it is. Haven't had my meds for three days until tonite, so was feeling the strain. Son informed me that his father was starting a new job which translates to no child support until DHS figures out that he is no longer employed at one place and has found him at new place. :/ So that starts running thru my brain. Added to that, I start thinking about his stupid student loans that he has made no effort to pay on but am stuck with coz I cosigned. Fine. Was gonna drop Son off with...

No school today, which was nice. I went to see a cardiologist---everything checked out fine, but will go get an electrocardiogram just to be sure. Of course, I need to watch my diet and start exercising regularly. Things are a bit blue around here. X fixed my garbage disposal last week, which was nice of him. It was a nasty job and I was grateful for his help. Last night, I needed him to come and help me with something (trust me). I ended up wailing and crying on his shoulder. No, I don't want him back. However,it still sux that my life has changed so much. Not having a husband to help me with certain things, having to ask my son or mother... sux. Right now, I feel pretty lonely too, and my self esteem is in the dumps. I'm not going to give up though; gonna keep on pluggin along. There are plenty of positive things to plan, do and wait for the sun to rise. I've got that list after all.