missin my babies

I've been watching the movie RUDY. Once, at a teacher party, my late colleague Peter Stepan pronounced this movie most like me. Never having seen the movie, I was less than flattered. Now, I think it the highest compliment.

For twenty odd years, all I have heard from my husband and his family is that I am less than and I have struggled to prove that I am more than via acquiring language, education, keeping my head above financial flood waters and whatever life has thrown my way. It's ridiculous for me to try to prove myself to THEM. Guess I'm also trying to prove it to myself.

Lately, I've been thinking of giving up. Why keep struggling, suffering, hoping to achieve the things I dream of? I dunno. After watching this movie, seeing as how Peter thought I was a Rudy, maybe I'd better keep trying, striving, believing, and hoping.

My children are in Dallas with their father, grandparents, and my ex sister-in-law who is here from Jakarta. Knowing that I am a likely topic of conversation is upsetting. I never could fit in with that family,was never good enough and have never been. My motherhood is being evaluated, my failed marriage,all to my detriment. I know this. My kids are likely to hear more than once "don't be like your mother" this weekend.

My kids have been with me since birth. It's so hard now to have them elsewhere without me.