BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Ya know, I preferred living with my mom. It was more of a partnership. Daughter is 18. Won't roll herself out of bed before 2 pm. Just expects me to run her to work whenever SHE is ready. But I have to ask for every single bit of help around here-- she is too BUSY getting ready for work, or plans to do what I ask. Guess I need to get busy just before she decides she needs a ride somewhere. I'm gonna have to go on strike. Guess that is typical of kids. The mortgage company keeps calling me, seems the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing. I talk and talk to everyone who calls. gah. Not feeling well today either--sore throat, groggy, a bit stuffy. Mom gave me money for groceries, so that is good. oh hey, I can't cry.. The guys are here to mow my lawn. YaY

May 27, 2009 Hi XXXXX, I am finally divorced with J after 20 years,.... No job and taking truck driving school. I'll be driving a semi truck for a year and save up money for my new wife whom I finally got to see in person last week in China. She was more than I bargined for,..... Still fit in her jeans when she was 20,.. she's 41 now. We will get married this coming Spring. I have never been cared for, pampered, and treated like a king she the way she treated me! I guess asian wives do know how to take good care of their man compared to white folks. Talk to you soon buddy. PS. I don't use this email any more so email me at xxxxxx@yahoo.com. Take care machang. E

Today was a long slow lazy day, but tonite was nice. There is the place in town that is my favorite---it have live music, lots of restaurants, plenty of outdoor places to walk and sit all in a very festive party atmosphere. It was still hot, but by midnite the wind picked up and it was glorious! Came home and spoke with daughter regarding her visit with X. He told her that he didn't get the job, but his mother told son on Friday that his dad was working. So which is it? Seems to me that he is hiding the fact that he is working. That really makes me upset in a way--that he would do such a thing, not provide ANYTHING for his children. Even just a hundred dollars. twenty five, ANYTHING. Thought he was beyond being able to hurt me or upset me. turns out that there is still one vulnerable spot. I will give him until July, then call my lawyer.

Saturdays, traditionally, are good days. It's really hard to go wrong with a Saturday. I slept pretty well last night--didn't get up for my usual 3 am - 5 am awake break. Nope, I slept thru to 6,just in time to keep CG (my computer guy) awake for the last hour of his overnite shift.YaY Turns out, just in time for him to distract me from hysterics too. I have been taking only half of my anti depressant dose this week -- possibly it caught up with me a bit. Yup, was busy workin myself up with how horrible some aspects of my life are but he is so sweet I got sidetracked. twice. I have decided to give up the time share/vacation club, one of my favorite things ever, for the more mature, financially viable goals of paying off other bills, keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. It's the smart thing to do and now, having made the decision, things in my brain are a bit more peaceful. Heard via son who spoke to his gma that X is working. Hopefully that means chil...

Happy Friday! I went to bed pretty early last night--woke up as usual at 3 am-ish so decided to get on the computer and help keep my computer guy awake coz he is working a 7pm to 7 am shift. Watched a few shows on Hulu for the first time. Yup Hulu is good stuff. Then went back to sleep for a few hours. I was planning on goin to the SSA office today about my name change for SS card but can't find my divorce decree :( Guess I might have to go down to the County Courthouse first but it is SO stinkin hot today, I am totally lazy to go there. Maybe Monday morning..... I am totally kickin myself for changing my last name to match Xs back in 2007 when he changed his to the original Chinese name he remembers from childhood. grrr. So at work I will have changed my name twice in two years. This afternoon, I am going to drop the kids off at X's parents so they can spend the weekend with him and I can have a bit of a break. He can and should do his visitation anyway. My flowers are ...

Welp, today is another day! I'm feeling better today. Had my first 2nd date last night with a T'RiFiC computer guy. Le's just call him computer guy. We went for a pleasant drive, hung out at a park down near the river until it closed and continued visiting for a couple more hours. Yup sgood. Basically, we decided to spend time together, get to know each other and enjoy the whole process. Monday night we are goin out to a movie -- life is good! Meanwhile, it feels like Saturday but big mega bummer it's Thursday. Must be a good day for something! My baby is now 11 going on 50. He's a great kiddo. K, nuff for now. I need a nap I think!

I just returned from an educational seminar---boring topic, but I thoroughly enjoyed the speaker :D Feeling dejected. alone. sad. possibly hormonal. I feel abandoned by the kids' father in terms of child support. I am not sure he even cares whether or not his kids have food on their plates but loves to tell them I don't feed them properly. Also, I think I am messed up. I don't know how to be loved outside of the bed. Sex is the only love I have known. I remind myself of some little girl who has been abused and seeks affection in the only way she has experienced it. I suppose this means I need to go see a therapist. again.