BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

New relationships in ones 40's are so difficult. Some things are deal breakers; others are tolerable. The big question is: will tolerable become intolerable at some point? I'm afraid that it may becoming too easy for me to say "that's fine; take your (habit, inclination, predilection- pick one) and move along." Since most of us are NONfixable fixer-uppers, it seems best to find someone who has the most compatible flaws--AGHH.

I have myself in a bit of a pickle. Joe and I might get married. He's made a lot of changes, but the kinds of things he is working on take time and are difficult to change. When I'm with him, I think "We can do this!" When I'm not, I start worrying. I have trust issues. How do you trust someone completely? I usually take things at face value, but reserve judgement and observe. I'm not sure I'm ready to step away from the "man buffet" As long as I have a main course at home, I'm good. That's part of the question. Will there be a main course? What is love anyway? I really have no idea anymore. Caring? That comes easily for me. I can care deeply about many people--have and do. What is the difference between that and love? I'd like to be taken care of. I don't want to be the primary caregiver yet. He needs looking after. Why do I have to be the one to do that? I don't think that people are capable of "fixing...

Welp. A lot has happened, not much that I'm happy about. My X's wife and stepson are now here in the States. - - It's not like I want him or anything, not like I care if he has a wife. Even so, some part of me is unsettled. My daughter moved ALL of her things from his apartment to mine and now my house is almost unbearable---things are spread everywhere throughout the living room/dining room and kitchen area. I love my daughter, but between her belongings, clothing, craft/art stuff, cooking things, computer stuff, play station and Wii accessories.... The house should be finished going thru a short sale by Aug. 14th or else a sheriff's sale a few days after that. Meanwhile, I'm stuck needing a place to put my friend/boyfriend whatever he is. I really can't have him living with me... I just want to help him get back on his feet so he can have a better life. I feel somewhat trapped. Frankly, there are a few things I cannot live without---and so far those are ...

I sent this to my son's father--I'm not sure why I bother. All I can think of is that if I can prevent a huge gaping hole in my son's heart/soul/psyche, it would be preferable to his desperately trying to fix it later : You have barely seen your son this summer. What is wrong with you? Every child deserves to feel loved by a parent. Do you think he feels loved by you? Words are one thing, but actions are another. Doesn't matter how much we tell him we love him if we don't ACT like we do. Can't you at least send him messages or emails? Just make your time with him happy times, a few hours a week. Why is that so hard? Instead, he gets to remember that his father was practically next door and made little to no effort to see him. You are scarring your son for life. This is a golden opportunity to be a loving father---to show your son what it feels like to be LOVED by his dad ,that no matter what he does, you will always LOVE him. Did you feel that from your...

Here was my family. Sadness. Sad. sad. sad me.

I've been trying to stay busy and active lately---working on the lawn at the house, cleaning around my apartment, going out, doing things until evening. Staying home, sitting or lying around was making me feel like death. I'm too young to feel that way so being busy is the way to go. SO, have been trying to conquer the jungle of a backyard with an old fashion push reel mower and a weed eater. WHEW that's crazy. I borrowed the neighbor's gas powered push mower for awhile yesterday, but the unaccustomed movements of having to start that thing several times almost did me in later in back/muscle spasms. A heating pad would have been great. If someone had called me and told me he/she was in pain with back spasms, I would have ran out and bought a heating pad or gotten one to bring over. NOPE none of my family seemed inclined to help. Times like that I really miss my X. It was nice having someone to help me when I needed it. Pretty sad that I run out to help others b...