Reality Bites
January 23, 2009
Reality Bites
Current mood: tired
Yesterday, I told one colleague that I am getting divorced.
Today, I told another. No big public announcement, just small individual admissions. I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder.
Last night, I went to a divorce recovery group at a church other than my own. It was a scary thought to walk into a room full of strangers in an unfamiliar setting, but I did it. Everyone seemed to be a decade or so older than I am.
What first struck me though was the fact that I have had very little social interaction with non-Asians in the past 20 years, very little social interaction period. My little world revolved around my husband, children and computer. All other brief social contact took place at work or church. It felt very strange, scary, uncomfortable.
When the leader mentioned that we should hang out, go out on friendly outings in groups or with the opposite sex, I just about jumped up and ran out of the room. That is SO not me. I am not shy. However the thought of dating, even casually, terrifies me. (Well scares me. Not sure about terrifies. But feeling like I wanna get up and run out kinda sounds terrified, don't you think?)
The theme for the next 13 weeks is forming healthy relationships. As he was talking about the feeling of being in love (mutually), about how things are in a relationship or marriage, I realized that very little applied to my situation. My marriage was not a true relationship, not even close to what most people experience. That sucked.
What really gets me is what I have done to myself, deprived myself of. I have never had the pleasure of falling in love with someone and have that love returned. I didn't have a courtship. No joyful reunions, painful goodbyes. No flowers and hearts. No romance. No sweet phrases, loving gestures, special gifts. I was too young and stupid to know what I wanted or needed in a relationship. I didn't know what men who care about you do. I never had that from my dad, boyfriend, or husband. I have had two relationships in my life and both were with men who did not want to love me and resented the fact that they did. They didn't want to want me, want to be with me, want to care about me. They were both "fixer uppers" I failed them and I failed myself.
Failing myself is what sux the most.
Reality Bites
Current mood: tired
Yesterday, I told one colleague that I am getting divorced.
Today, I told another. No big public announcement, just small individual admissions. I'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder.
Last night, I went to a divorce recovery group at a church other than my own. It was a scary thought to walk into a room full of strangers in an unfamiliar setting, but I did it. Everyone seemed to be a decade or so older than I am.
What first struck me though was the fact that I have had very little social interaction with non-Asians in the past 20 years, very little social interaction period. My little world revolved around my husband, children and computer. All other brief social contact took place at work or church. It felt very strange, scary, uncomfortable.
When the leader mentioned that we should hang out, go out on friendly outings in groups or with the opposite sex, I just about jumped up and ran out of the room. That is SO not me. I am not shy. However the thought of dating, even casually, terrifies me. (Well scares me. Not sure about terrifies. But feeling like I wanna get up and run out kinda sounds terrified, don't you think?)
The theme for the next 13 weeks is forming healthy relationships. As he was talking about the feeling of being in love (mutually), about how things are in a relationship or marriage, I realized that very little applied to my situation. My marriage was not a true relationship, not even close to what most people experience. That sucked.
What really gets me is what I have done to myself, deprived myself of. I have never had the pleasure of falling in love with someone and have that love returned. I didn't have a courtship. No joyful reunions, painful goodbyes. No flowers and hearts. No romance. No sweet phrases, loving gestures, special gifts. I was too young and stupid to know what I wanted or needed in a relationship. I didn't know what men who care about you do. I never had that from my dad, boyfriend, or husband. I have had two relationships in my life and both were with men who did not want to love me and resented the fact that they did. They didn't want to want me, want to be with me, want to care about me. They were both "fixer uppers" I failed them and I failed myself.
Failing myself is what sux the most.
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