thanks

I have never bad mouthed you to your children, no matter how angry, hurt or frustrated I am. Do you think your children are going to love you more for talking bad about me to them? How would you feel if your father continually carried on at you about YOUR mother? Think about it.

Also, while you were off working on your bucket list, I paid over 300 dollars on your student loans---money that could have been used to buy your son a winter coat, warm clothing, lunch tickets, a trip to the dentist that he needs....

Welcome home.

ixnay on the iolencevay

I'm mad. Simmering, beneath the surface mad. Like I wanna rip his head off and stuff it up his... okay ixnay the iolencevay. I'm simmering.
I made a 100 dollar payment to his student loans today --- fifty on each.
Of course, that's what I'm mad about. I sure hope I get over this at some point. Snot good to keep such anger inside.

I wanna write him a nasty angry email that tells him off, reads him the riot act, lets him know how I really feel. But I won't. It would be nice to have solid reasons why I won't. Instead, there are just vague thoughts of staying on half way decent terms for the sake of kids, peace, etc. grrr.

fishy burps

I know it's been a few days since my last post. I've been stopping by, but just haven't had anything super interesting to say.

This past weekend was a repeat of the previous---Son and BF had a great time Saturday night playing Wii, trash talking each other, pizza, pop, etc. They really seemed to enjoy each other's company. Pretty much the three of us spent the weekend together. Guess that is the way it's going to be now that X is out of the picture for an indefinite time. BF's Harley is in the garage, his out-of-commission jeep is in my driveway where he has been working on it, and when he is not working, he is here with his Jimmy in the driveway. I enjoy every bit of time I have with him, hopefully, he feels the same way. I have to think he does since he spends so much time here with us.

Daughter asked me where her dad was, said she hasn't been able to contact him on his cell phone. I had to tell her the truth: that he might be in CO, or TX or in China getting married. If she wants to know more, she needs to call his mother. Daughter was very sad to think her father didn't say goodbye to her or let her know he was going OR that he may be getting married or is married already. Poor baby. Son hasn't asked about him a bit. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not, frankly. I do know that he is having so much fun with BF that it helps distract him.
Daughter seemed happy to hear that BF is so kind to Son. She stopped by the house and even spared a smile and greeting for BF which was a relief.

I'm a bit confused about the BF biz. I have never been in this situation, don't know how to handle it. This is a full grown man I am dealing with here, not that boy I married twenty years ago yesterday. Yeah, yesterday was my anniversary. Or maybe I should call it my UNanniversary. Or would that be the day the divorce was final? I have to say, I was feeling pretty blue a few days ago--just thinking about the wasted years, stupid choices made, the abuse tolerated and trying to figure out how I ended up being a victim. Other than that, I am feeling fine. Yesterday, I wasn't upset either, so that is good.

So anyhoo, I've been seeing BF for almost two months now. Things have progressed so quickly, it's a bit of a blur. CONS: health issues, picky eater, religious differences, work hours, sleep habits. PROS: Caring toward my son, good with my dogs, concerned about my feelings and welfare, patient, strong, protective, hard worker, good provider, good father to his sons, likes me lots :)
All this is so hard. Is it always this hard? derrrr.

Regarding my health, doc said I need to take 4000 mg of fish oil a day. gah. Last time I tried to take fish oil pills, I burped like a sea otter with indigestion. After three months, I go back in for more blood work.

Okay, that's all for now folks.

China dreams

I had a strange, convoluted dream this morning involving family, students, home, etc. However, at some point in the dream, I got a phone call from X in China (dreaming this, didn't happen) to tell me some stupid thing about shoes there. I interrupted him and started yelling at him.

I won't repeat it all because basically, it's all the things I have been saying in my previous post. But in the dream, I wouldn't let him get in a word edgewise, just screamed at him, sobbing, about that stuff, interspersed with "I hate you! I hate you!" Then, I hung up on him.

Annnnnddddd felt guilty. lol. story of my life. :)

On my Own

I had a nice weekend. BF and Son bonded on Sunday over pizza, pop, ice cream and Wii games. Son really seemed to enjoy it. BF is being very nice to my son. He even mentioned to me that he wants to get him out working on the car with him next weekend if we can get it over to my place.

X has apparently left town--I am unsure if it is for China as his wedding invitation suggests or if he is elsewhere. He told Son he was going to Colorado; his mother told me he is in Houston but the way she hesitated seemed like she was lying about it.

I cried after that because it seems he has gone and left as I thought he would---leaving his children unprovided for and unaware, leaving me to face his student loans. I was so upset at the thought that he would abandon his children without even saying goodbye. What if something happens to him? They will be left with the knowledge that he was too busy pursuing his own foolishness. Thankfully BF was there to distract me and comfort me. I doubt I will ever be able to understand how he could abandon his children like that, leaving Son unprovided for except for what I can provide. There are so many things that Son needs--winter clothing, a winter jacket, school lunch money, new shoes; so many things that need fixing on the house. I guess I just need to be stronger, angry, and determined to go it alone.

It's been a good weekend. Friday night, I took my son out to eat and to a movie. It was nice to spend time doing something with him. We did ask my daughter to come, but she was busy. I want to do that with son more often---mother son dates. It's a good thing.

My bf called me at 3:30 am to tell me he'd blown out one of the truck tires and was nursing the other back to town. Apparently, a semitruck in front of him was losing cargo out the back and one took out the tire. Thankfully, he made it back to town without a problem and I met him for bfast about 5 am. I loved that.

Today, I am supposed to avoid eating fat as I have an abdominal ultrasound tomorrow morning.

Parent teacher conferences were on Friday. I was not pleased that son had a 37% History for the 1st quarter. That pretty much rules out any chance of passing the semester so I was quite unhappy that the teacher didn't contact me a week or so ago. So, I called for a meeting with his teachers and asked them to bring a print out of his grades for each class. I had a bit of a panic attack prior to the meeting but my friend at work talked me down. I love her, she is so great to me. Anyway, son's education has been fraught with emotional turmoil for me--having to defend him, protect him, etc. I guess it was just some of that left over. In the end, it worked out. I didn't cry in front of his teachers like I was afraid I would. And, I got the teacher to agree to let son retake a test to hopefully bring his grade up.

Thats grapes.

BF is off doing manly automotive/ motorcycle fix it things with his buddy today. I miss him already. He wasn't feeling well last night. Hope he feels better today. He is really kind to my son and has gone out of his way to take him out to eat with us, buy him a treat, etc. My bf is grapes!

mmm brownies

So I got my first child support payment courtesy of the Department of Human Services Child Support division. 150 big ones! I'm torn as what to do with it. So many things needed and just that much to go around. God, please let more be forthcoming!

Yesterday, I went to the Dr. for a follow up on recent blood work. I have deficiencies in iron and vitamin D. That might explain why I have felt so achy lately and of course, tired. Also, my liver enzymes are still high even after having my gallbladder out, so I have to go get an ultra sound of my liver and pancreas. I'm believing the vitamin supplements will help me feel better ASAP.

My sweetie boyfriend fixed the front window by the door so that cold air can't get in. AND he put my new tag on, plus changed the light bulb over my license plate. YaY I was so happy to have someone help me, I actually shed a tear or four. My mom stopped by as he was fixing the window, so he scored MAJOR brownie points.