BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

I jerk awake at 2 am.  He is in the middle of a dream, lying on his back, shouting, punching the bed. Calling his name, I reach out to grasp his forearm, sliding my hand down to his in a firm handshake. He freezes, pats my arm with his other hand as if making sure I'm really there, then goes back to sleep. I can feel his heart pounding through his hand. There is no time to drift off myself, as he slips almost immediately into another nightmare. Again, I wake him.This time, he grabs my hand with both of his as a drowning man clings to a rope. Between the remnants of the dreams--this time of physical combat and searching for explosives, he twitches as a painful muscle spasm racks his body punctuating the aching in his back where shrapnel remains. He's so tired of pain, so tired of dreams. So tired. It's 3:50 am. Words, phrases, sentences have been wrestling about in my head. Perhaps putting them here will bring sleep back.

Lying in bed with napping hubby. Suddenly he jerks awake and looks at me. "Are you okay?" I ask. He nods. "I just threw a grenade." At a loss, I inquire: "Did you wake up before it went off?" He nods. Still at a loss.... I comment--" Good. If I dreamed that I threw a grenade, I'd want to wake up before it went off." He grunts and goes back to sleep. Some husbands dream of other things--fishing, girls, games. Mine dreams of grenades, torture, explosions--dreams filled with smoke, screaming, and gunfire, punctuated by the physical pain of old injury earned in service to his country. I love him and pray for him. ♥

Yesterday, I found out something that should be a deal breaker---something that endangers my family, my way of life, my security, my marriage. Trust is such a fragile thing that I have been working to develop; starting from scratch on that one again. Either way it goes looks to be difficult, unpleasant, possible catastrophic on a personal, emotional, financial, social level. I'm trying to move past it hoping that it will never happen again. He promised. again. Marriage is a conspiracy of two. I cannot tell anyone about it because family, friends, coworkers might think less of him. There are two people I might be able to tell, but one.... well read on. Today, I feel like I've lost my steady footing. A dear friend whom I love has lied to me, moved on, something. I cannot blame him, but feel like I've lost him. Truth be told, he hasn't been there for me for over a year when I desperately needed him. I still need his support and advice. Sad that might be gone forever-- esp...

There is no one worthy of trust. No one is trustworthy. Some things are impossible to tell. Too horrible to admit. If my life goes in the crapper again, I do not think I can pull myself up.

I haven't updated since two minutes ago---but before that, I haven't updated for MONTHS. A lot has happened. I got married again. I eloped for the second time in my life. This time however, I actually told about five people -- my mom, children, best friend, my work mentor, and the secretary at work. Okay, that makes SIX people. Oddly enough, eloping the second time is more difficult. SO many more people who are interested, shocked and apparently, would have liked to know. I went to work the next day -- "Oh by the way, I got married yesterday". Umm, yeah. Things hit the fan. Even now, 3 months later, some people are shocked to find out. OH WELL. That's how I roll ;p Yup. I'm married. I love him, enjoy his company, but his issues still exist. Thus far, he's been patient with my poking and prodding him to cut down on this and that. We'll see how that works out. Meanwhile, his son who has mild retardation has come to live with us. His mot...

I wrote this in 2007 but it is applicable still! Sometimes, we don't need to know everything. There is something to be said for choosing to remain ignorant of details. Often, it is listening to those details recited by coworkers, friends, family that causes us to get worked up and stressed out. Also, not knowing details helps keep us from gossiping which is like starting a wildfire. Spreading those juicy details is what gets people all riled up. It's back to my new favorite concept of keeping my mouth shut so the stupid doesn't fall out and cause problems for other people. Proverbs 10:19 says that when words are many, sin is not absent and points out that he who holds his tongue is wise. Elsewhere in Proverbs, it says that even a fool who hold his tongue may appear wise.....I figure that would be an excellent plan for me! March 1, 2007 at 5:33pm

I woke up from a bad dream about the house. Lately, I've been dreaming that I left something or things behind which were important. :/ Unfortunately, I wasn't able to clean the house out like I should have. There was no one to help me, plus I found it incredibly difficult to do ANYTHING at all there. The last night before the closing, I couldn't drive in by the house because a huge tree had fallen on the neighbors house so clean up crews filled the cul de sac. I walked in and grabbed whatever I could and carried it out but left SO much behind--mostly stuff I didn't want, but I'm sure that there were important papers, mementos etc that I should have taken. Also, I was so embarrassed to leave the house in disarray---felt like white trash. In spite of the dreams, I am finished with the house business except for the taxes on the 40,000 dollar discrepancy between what I owe and what the house sold for. However, I've been told that I can file a hardship petition th...