morning comes again

Last night was a difficult night. It started out with my own personal crisis thinking about Navy, questioning what, why, etc. He's really the only man in my life thus far who I can actually think about long-term with but unfortunately there are a lot of negatives to that scenario--which make it doubtful for a positive outcome. PLUS, I have no idea how he feels about me now other than the fact that I know he cares about me as a person and as a friend.

I finally up and asked him if he has a lady in Collinsville because he has been spending time there with his motorcycle club and at his friend's house. He said no, there wasn't. So okay, fine. He works over 60 hours a week, sleeps as much if not more, and there is very little hours left for him to share with anyone else. I've been okay with that lately but caring about him is a lonely pastime.
Okay on to last night-- enter panic attacky kinda episode. I missed having someone to hold me, just hold me. I hate the fact that with losing my husband, I lost that physical closeness that meant so much to my sense of well-being, that physical closeness that I gave away twenty years away in order to keep.

There was an overwhelming temptation to call my X to come over and comfort me. He would have too, knowing him, but of course, it would have cost me terribly. None of the men in my life were such that I could call them, I didn't want to call any of my family because it always involves too much explanation --- I called Navy, hoping that would straighten me up, but he was busy loading the trailer in KC so it was just me and my son.

Son came in a couple times to check on me, so I stopped fussing to speak with him, finally deciding to take something to help me sleep. and it did.

Thank God for mornings. No matter how stormy the night, when the sun comes out and the birds are singing, life is good again.