BESIDE MYSELF--Starting Over

Another lazy Saturday morning spent lying in bed. Would be better if I had a man with me :) Meanwhile, been checkin out Trace Adkins videos. mrawr. I've gotten some child support money--prolly his income tax returns, dunno. Hard for me to use it though. Trying to decide whether to pay a few bills off or just keep it in the account for when things get tight financially, using a bit at a time as needed. I'm leanin toward the latter. My son is getting braces this next week, thanks to my mom paying the down payment (which I don't feel right about either). The monthly payments are not really in my budget, so prolly the money will go toward that even if only a payment at a time. He has only seen his father 2 times since Thanksgiving and if you recall, that ended badly, which is why he hasn't since. Not my idea, but son wasn't inclined and it seems, neither was his father. However, two weeks ago, Son's dad messaged him on youtube to ask if he wanted to go to a mov...

I'm sorry but it's true. Women here just piss me off. Bend over and let your hubby have sex. What's the problem? You want closeness, want him to cater to your whims, want him to fall all over himself for you? Then give him what he needs! If you give him all the lovin he can handle, your needs are likely to be met also.

I was thinking this morning, lying in bed just before sun-up... all snuggled under my covers. The loneliness of my current condition swamped me. That's the only word I can think of for it, like a bucket of grief poured over me. My favorite times, happiest times, most meaningful times of my marriage were spent in bed on mornings like this. Pressed up close to each other, breathing together, sharing space. Physical intimacy was the only conversation that I enjoyed with my husband and we did an awful lot of conversing in that manner. Sometimes I feel so broken

There is something wrong with me. Maybe I didn't develop properly. Why, why, why is it so hard to be alone with myself, without my other half? I remember being depressed and upset in college, remember saying to my mom "You don't know how it feels to be in college and alone". Seems like I latched onto the first thing that would get me out of being alone. That must have been the chance for me to learn how to be content with just me, but I failed.