BESIDE MYSELF

2011-12-31T22:53:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I found out something that should be a deal breaker---something that endangers my family, my way of life, my security, my marriage. Trust is such a fragile thing that I have been working to develop; starting from scratch on that one again. Either way it goes looks to be difficult, unpleasant, possible catastrophic on a personal, emotional, financial, social level. I'm trying to move past it hoping that it will never happen again. He promised. again. Marriage is a conspiracy of two. I cannot tell anyone about it because family, friends, coworkers might think less of him. There are two people I might be able to tell, but one.... well read on.

Today, I feel like I've lost my steady footing. A dear friend whom I love has lied to me, moved on, something. I cannot blame him, but feel like I've lost him. Truth be told, he hasn't been there for me for over a year when I desperately needed him. I still need his support and advice. Sad that might be gone forever-- especially considering my issues with trust.

Last week, I found out that Navy is going blind and will probably lose sight completely in a year. That shook me up. He's really on my heart and in my prayers.

Meanwhile, I'm working on something positive to say here. I'll see what I can do.

2011-12-31T18:58:00.001-08:00

There is no one worthy of trust. No one is trustworthy.
Some things are impossible to tell. Too horrible to admit.
If my life goes in the crapper again, I do not think I can pull myself up.

I got married

2011-12-26T09:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated since two minutes ago---but before that, I haven't updated for MONTHS. A lot has happened.

I got married again.

I eloped for the second time in my life. This time however, I actually told about five people -- my mom, children, best friend, my work mentor, and the secretary at work. Okay, that makes SIX people.

Oddly enough, eloping the second time is more difficult. SO many more people who are interested, shocked and apparently, would have liked to know. I went to work the next day -- "Oh by the way, I got married yesterday". Umm, yeah. Things hit the fan. Even now, 3 months later, some people are shocked to find out. OH WELL. That's how I roll ;p

Yup. I'm married. I love Joe, enjoy his company, but his issues still exist. Thus far, he's been patient with my poking and prodding him to cut down on this and that. We'll see how that works out. Meanwhile, his son who has mild retardation has come to live with us. His mother hasn't been taking care of him properly; we aim to do better. Unfortunately, he is as big as Joe and needs to be monitored when it comes to food as well. Just call me the food Nazi :/

It's hard work being married. Wish me luck!

Don't let your stupid fall out

2011-12-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote this in 2007 but it is applicable still!

Sometimes, we don't need to know everything. There is something to be said for choosing to remain ignorant of details. Often, it is listening to those details recited by coworkers, friends, family that causes us to get worked up and stressed out.

Also, not knowing details helps keep us from gossiping which is like starting a wildfire. Spreading those juicy details is what gets people all riled up. It's back to my new favorite concept of keeping my mouth shut so the stupid doesn't fall out and cause problems for other people.

Proverbs 10:19 says that when words are many, sin is not absent and points out that he who holds his tongue is wise. Elsewhere in Proverbs, it says that even a fool who hold his tongue may appear wise.....I figure that would be an excellent plan for me!
March 1, 2007 at 5:33pm

bad dreams, white trash

2011-09-11T05:18:00.001-07:00

I woke up from a bad dream about the house. Lately, I've been dreaming that I left something or things behind which were important. :/ Unfortunately, I wasn't able to clean the house out like I should have. There was no one to help me, plus I found it incredibly difficult to do ANYTHING at all there.

The last night before the closing, I couldn't drive in by the house because a huge tree had fallen on the neighbors house so clean up crews filled the cul de sac. I walked in and grabbed whatever I could and carried it out but left SO much behind--mostly stuff I didn't want, but I'm sure that there were important papers, mementos etc that I should have taken.

Also, I was so embarrassed to leave the house in disarray---felt like white trash.

In spite of the dreams, I am finished with the house business except for the taxes on the 40,000 dollar discrepancy between what I owe and what the house sold for. However, I've been told that I can file a hardship petition that may get me out of that.

Meanwhile, a creditor called my work on Thursday regarding the student loans I cosigned for my ex-husband while married. SO, I either pay them 50 bucks a month or they will continue with collections. OR, I can attempt to file bankruptcy and petition to get those loans off my back. Since they are private student loans, I may have a shot.

NONfixable fixer-uppers

2011-08-28T06:04:00.000-07:00

New relationships in ones 40's are so difficult. Some things are deal breakers; others are tolerable. The big question is: will tolerable become intolerable at some point? I'm afraid that it may becoming too easy for me to say "that's fine; take your (habit, inclination, predilection- pick one) and move along." Since most of us are NONfixable fixer-uppers, it seems best to find someone who has the most compatible flaws--AGHH.

confused

2011-08-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

I have myself in a bit of a pickle.

Joe and I might get married.

He's made a lot of changes, but the kinds of things he is working on take time and are difficult to change.

When I'm with him, I think "We can do this!"

When I'm not, I start worrying.

I have trust issues.

How do you trust someone completely?

I usually take things at face value, but reserve judgement and observe.

I'm not sure I'm ready to step away from the "man buffet"

As long as I have a main course at home, I'm good.

That's part of the question.

Will there be a main course?

What is love anyway?

I really have no idea anymore.

Caring? That comes easily for me. I can care deeply about many people--have and do.

What is the difference between that and love?

I'd like to be taken care of. I don't want to be the primary caregiver yet.

He needs looking after. Why do I have to be the one to do that?

I don't think that people are capable of "fixing" one another.

In a perfect world:

He would be as healthy as possible--body, mind, soul

He would be pain free or at least off the pain killers.

He will be strong, independent and THEN choose to be with me.

He cares for me.

He cares for my son SO MUCH--that means a lot.

I like having him around.

aggh. halp.

I'm sick of the weather

2011-07-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

Welp. A lot has happened, not much that I'm happy about.

My X's wife and stepson are now here in the States. -- It's not like I want him or anything, not like I care if he has a wife. Even so, some part of me is unsettled.

My daughter moved ALL of her things from his apartment to mine and now my house is almost unbearable---things are spread everywhere throughout the living room/dining room and kitchen area. I love my daughter, but between her belongings, clothing, craft/art stuff, cooking things, computer stuff, play station and Wii accessories....

The house should be finished going thru a short sale by Aug. 14th or else a sheriff's sale a few days after that. Meanwhile, I'm stuck needing a place to put my friend/boyfriend whatever he is. I really can't have him living with me... I just want to help him get back on his feet so he can have a better life. I feel somewhat trapped.

Frankly, there are a few things I cannot live without---and so far those are not looking possible with him. He needs things to improve in his life; I NEED things to improve in his life.

OKAY one bright side: I've started working out by swimming laps/exercising in pool every day. In fact, I'm getting somewhat addicted to it and am hoping that at some point, I will be able to do other things to ramp up my workout outside of the pool.

why do I have to be the adult?

2011-07-11T05:43:00.000-07:00

I sent this to my son's father--I'm not sure why I bother. All I can think of is that if I can prevent a huge gaping hole in my son's heart/soul/psyche, it would be preferable to his desperately trying to fix it later:

You have barely seen your son this summer. What is wrong with you? Every child deserves to feel loved by a parent. Do you think he feels loved by you? Words are one thing, but actions are another. Doesn't matter how much we tell him we love him if we don't ACT like we do.

Can't you at least send him messages or emails? Just make your time with him happy times, a few hours a week. Why is that so hard? Instead, he gets to remember that his father was practically next door and made little to no effort to see him. You are scarring your son for life.

This is a golden opportunity to be a loving father---to show your son what it feels like to be LOVED by his dad ,that no matter what he does, you will always LOVE him. Did you feel that from your father? It would be a TRAGEDY if he spends his life looking for the father that you refused to be.

You may not be perfect, but you are his father and he loves you. He hides his feelings and acts like it doesn't bother him, but how can it not? You act like you don't even have a son.

He is the child. You are the adult and must make the effort. Being a FATHER is more than just biology---you of all people should know that.

How To Be Alone

2011-07-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

Sad Me

2011-06-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

Here was my family.

Sadness.

Sad.

sad.

sad me.

Ouch

2011-06-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to stay busy and active lately---working on the lawn at the house, cleaning around my apartment, going out, doing things until evening. Staying home, sitting or lying around was making me feel like death. I'm too young to feel that way so being busy is the way to go.

SO, have been trying to conquer the jungle of a backyard with an old fashion push reel mower and a weed eater. WHEW that's crazy. I borrowed the neighbor's gas powered push mower for awhile yesterday, but the unaccustomed movements of having to start that thing several times almost did me in later in back/muscle spasms.

A heating pad would have been great. If someone had called me and told me he/she was in pain with back spasms, I would have ran out and bought a heating pad or gotten one to bring over. NOPE none of my family seemed inclined to help.

Times like that I really miss my X. It was nice having someone to help me when I needed it. Pretty sad that I run out to help others but rarely does anyone come help me. :(( Guess that's life, huh?

Stop. Rewind.

2011-06-08T10:05:00.001-07:00

Another text this morning: "Just say stop and I will delete your number"

I ignored and deleted that.

Then, a few hours later, a phone call ignored.

This time he left a voice mail.

I made the mistake of listening to it.

"I guess your avoiding my call. I don't know if there is something wrong with your phone, or you just don't want to talk to me anymore. Just tell me to stop and I'll leave you alone."

I wish he had never drunk texted me.

Maybe I wish I had never met him.

I don't want to talk to him. I really don't want to have a conversation with him.

If I answer him back and say STOP, then he might answer me back.

Later: I went ahead and texted him to "stop please".

Maybe that will be the end of it.

I'm sad.

I can't answer that

2011-06-07T11:22:00.000-07:00

Another text from Fred yesterday: "Are you ignoring me?"

Well gee, I can't answer that because I'm ignoring you!

The problem is that if I answer, that will be a round of texts which I'm trying to avoid having with him. When my resolve weakens, I just remember how many times he's made me feel like an idiot, or made me cry---that helps. Plus, I always delete right away, so I don't have his number.

Trying to get over a boyfriend? Delete, delete, delete. Don't keep him on your contact list, buddy list, Facebook, or friend list. If you don't see him/her you won't be tempted to reach out again. It hurts, but it's the best way I know how. Unfortunately, I've had to do it a few times.

I've put some items on Craigslist from the house, hoping to get enough money to pay off the utility bills left by my sister. Yesterday, the mortgage company got a hold of me and suggested I try to get it listed for a short sale. I guess that might be something to try.

wanna get get get

2011-06-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

Fred (the drunk texter ) has texted me at least ten times and called me 2 or 3 times, none of which I have answered. I like Fred, but have gotten off that roller coaster. Sux.

Spent the first days of my summer sick with a cold--hate it when that happens!

Woke up today wondering what to do with myself. Cleaned, vacuumed, opened the blinds to let the sunshine in. Kinda feel like I need to get out, do something, take a up a hobby, drive until the map turns blue. RESTLESS.

My friend Joe is wanting me to be his girlfriend. I've already told you about the issues there...

I need to get myself to a lawyer soon, to finish off the details of foreclosure etc. My sister left me with a bunch of bills from when she stayed in the house. Really makes it hard on me....

Would like to get some flowers for my patio, but hope to travel. If I did, the flowers would be dead anyway. SO, am refraining.

Renewed my lease for the apartment until November. Hope I did the right thing there.

I want to get out, get moving, get going, get busy.

Friends don't let Friends Text Drunk

2011-05-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

About a week or so after my last post, the funniest most aggravating thing happened to show me that LIFE reads my blog and loves to yank my chain whenever possible. This has occurred several times and I'm starting to get paranoid! lol.

As you know, Fred and I are no longer an item but occasionally, he would come to see me. We'd hang out, enjoy each other's company for a few hours, then I'd hug him, smooch him, and wave goodbye. I was okay with that because I really like Fred and enjoy his company. What I have never enjoyed was the drama that he'd instigate via text messages. It seems that he was always making up and breaking up with me via text. sux.

SO, as I said, a week after my last post, I got a series of text messages from Fred proclaiming his lust along with his desire to "belong to me forever". I was mostly worried and amused. As far as I knew, Fred wasn't a drinker and those texts sounded drunk. AND he was. He called and sounded a bit tipsy but proclaimed his long-term intentions for our relationship. Due to his obvious inebriation, I took it all with a bucket of salt but as I said, I do like Fred. At one point in our relationship, I did have hopes that we would marry etc.

So, mostly amused, I waited until the next day, then texted him:

"Hey there, how ya doin?"

"I'm doing fine, but thinking I might have said too much"

"I bet."

After this, he basically backpaddled.

My response: " Friends don't let friends text drunk. :p "

That was the last thing I said to Fred before getting PISSED OFF. I deserve better than to be yanked around, never asked for promises, just accepted seeing him when he showed up. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't want anyone to treat his wife (deceased) or daughter that way if they were in my shoes. So I've decided to never answer another text from that man EVER and will not speak to him again unless he happens to show up on my doorstep.

Since that time, he has sent me two texts--one a day or so after the event, and one this morning both ignored.

Just breathe

2011-05-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

My friend was telling me how his new girl is everything he wants in a woman

I wonder if anyone will ever say that about me.

I cheated myself.

Young men find a girl and fall in love,

want to be with her forever

even if it doesn't last, they choose her

I missed out on all that. no roses, no hearts, no dreams of forever

no one ever chose me

and said "you're it"

"You're the one"

God, that hurts a lot

It seems that I'm good for a month or two

or maybe five

or maybe twenty years

but I am not a forever girl

Hold on, hyperventilating.

Anxiety attack.

Breathe.

"Mom, are you alright?"

Breathe.

Glass of cold water.

Take a pill.

Breathe.

April showers

2011-04-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

I've had a couple disturbing dreams lately. One, my son and I were in a public place and got separated. No matter how I tried, I couldn't find him. Plus, I had a couple about my X. Just realistic enough to be disturbing.

My life lately is a bit out of sorts. I've taken on a new friend who has needed a lot of help in terms of finances, food, transportation, etc. It's a bit more than I bargained for, but when you find someone in a bad situation, I believe it's important to try to help if possible. "Give till it hurts" yup kinda hurts. I have allowed him to stay at the house until it goes into foreclosure.

He's an Iraq War veteran who is physically disabled with shrapnel in his back and PTSD. This caused him to gain a couple hundred more pounds than he might weigh otherwise. The weight, his snuff habit, penchant for Diet Mt. Dew, and using food as comfort--combined with the prescribed large doses of pain killers, muscle relaxants, and ibuprofen are killing him slowly. Of course, he doesn't see it that way, but I do.

My opinion is that there are things that he can't help, but there are other things within his control that if changed, would improve his quality of life drastically.. But he needs to decide that he wants to live--to really live.

Ya can't fix people and ya really can't save them from themselves. This I know. So, I'm his friend.

My daughter has decided to spend the summer in Indonesia with her relatives (my X in-laws). Wish she wasn't going to, but she is an adult now. They all love her, so I'm sure they will take care of her....

My son is doing better now. Things are more stable since he doesn't go to his father's every weekend. Instead, his dad takes him out for a couple of hours once in awhile. A short visit, they get along, everyone's happy. I guess.

I haven't been dating much at all lately---mostly not at all. Guess my personal life has been busy. However, I did go out for a movie the other night with a man. That was nice :)

Happy Birthday to me

2011-03-13T19:38:00.001-07:00

Gonna be my 44th birthday tomorrow--not happy about that number.

Saw Fred last week for a bit. Had a wonderful time, enjoyed each other's company but now it's back to the cold shoulder--I'm sure I upset him in some way with something I said or didn't say, maybe the way I said it, or a facial expression. I'm not even bothering to ask. If he has a problem, he will tell me. If not, whatever. Meanwhile, he's not on my phone contact list so I am not tempted to contact him. (gotta do what I gotta :) -- )

I've been helping my friend Joe out a lot lately. He's a disabled Iraq War veteran and is in a bad situation. Hopefully, that will be resolved soon. I enjoy his company though and helping someone is always a good thing.

My son went with his dad for dinner tonite. Just long enough for him to tell Son that I am a bad mother who doesn't feed him properly. lol. It never gets old. lolz.

I told my family to celebrate my birthday with the April ones. I don't need that much attention for myself. bah humbug.

It's Spring Break--- guess will have to go clean out the house before it gets taken. Not fun but has to be done.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

lazy mornin

2011-02-26T07:02:00.001-08:00

Another lazy Saturday morning spent lying in bed. Would be better if I had a man with me :)

Meanwhile, been checkin out Trace Adkins videos. mrawr.

I've gotten some child support money--prolly his income tax returns, dunno. Hard for me to use it though. Trying to decide whether to pay a few bills off or just keep it in the account for when things get tight financially, using a bit at a time as needed. I'm leanin toward the latter.

My son is getting braces this next week, thanks to my mom paying the down payment (which I don't feel right about either). The monthly payments are not really in my budget, so prolly the money will go toward that even if only a payment at a time.

He has only seen his father 2 times since Thanksgiving and if you recall, that ended badly, which is why he hasn't since. Not my idea, but son wasn't inclined and it seems, neither was his father. However, two weeks ago, Son's dad messaged him on youtube to ask if he wanted to go to a movie with him on March 4. Nothin else to say to his son, I guess. SAD SAD SAD, but in one way, Son has seemed happier without having to deal with his dad.

I have been missing Navy and Fred both, yet have managed to resist the urge to get them back. There is a new gentleman that I've been spending time with. Having someone to hang out with is nice.

women piss me off

2011-02-20T19:57:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry but it's true. Women here just piss me off. Bend over and let your hubby have sex. What's the problem? You want closeness, want him to cater to your whims, want him to fall all over himself for you? Then give him what he needs! If you give him all the lovin he can handle, your needs are likely to be met also.

2011-02-19T06:14:00.000-08:00

I was thinking this morning, lying in bed just before sun-up... all snuggled under my covers. The loneliness of my current condition swamped me. That's the only word I can think of for it, like a bucket of grief poured over me.

My favorite times, happiest times, most meaningful times of my marriage were spent in bed on mornings like this. Pressed up close to each other, breathing together, sharing space. Physical intimacy was the only conversation that I enjoyed with my husband and we did an awful lot of conversing in that manner.

Sometimes I feel so broken

2011-02-04T14:58:00.000-08:00

There is something wrong with me. Maybe I didn't develop properly.

Why, why, why is it so hard to be alone with myself, without my other half?

I remember being depressed and upset in college, remember saying to my mom "You don't know how it feels to be in college and alone". Seems like I latched onto the first thing that would get me out of being alone.

That must have been the chance for me to learn how to be content with just me, but I failed.

I still believe in hearts, flowers, and forever

2011-01-23T09:17:00.000-08:00

Men, manly men

2011-01-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

There has GOT to be something wrong with me.

You know the part in the movie Madagascar when Monty the lion looks at his zebra friend and sees a steak? That is ME!!! I look at big, burly, hairy men and see a meal. sigh . WHAT is the deal?? Is it because I'm in my forties now? Is this an overload of hormones or what?

I'm watching this show---on CMT where they go in and renovate mobile homes. There is an old hairy biker dude type with an overgrown beard, mustache, gray long hair in a pony tail, back hair, chest hair, beer belly.. and I think he's attractive!! (even better if he had a tattoo) If you would have told me at 18 that this would happen, I would have punched you in the nose.

Today, I was peeking out the window at the big burly guy shoveling the apartment walks.

In the mornings, I drive by this parking lot where the ASPLUNDH guys (they go around picking up tree limbs and stuff) stand around for a morning meeting and I see BREAKFAST in orange hoodies. sheesh.

Men, the manlier, the more testosterone, the better. mrawr.

I could go on and on, but I think you got the idea.

What is wrong with me?

dating? I'm not sure

2011-01-19T16:48:00.000-08:00

Okay. Welp, remember the date I had two weeks ago?

The guy was "different" to put it mildly. Kind of like "Rain Man" different.

I gave him a second chance and that went a bit better, but he was assuming too much too soon and making me feel uncomfortable. So, I let him down easy. He said "okay" things were fine. No problem.

Next thing I know, I get an email from him asking me if I am okay (??) Apparently, he was concerned because he had broken up with me and wondered if I was okay. umm . I ignored that because it freaked me OUT. Then a few days later, I get an Instant Message, so I blocked him.

Monday, I got a text---a wrong number text(what the Hay?) asking if he could have my address in GHANA so he could send me the items that could not be emailed and that he :LOVED ME DEEPLY> Okay, so apparently, he is being scammed by one of those Match.com scammers. I wanted to reply and warn him, but I'm concerned that this might be a ploy to get me to respond.... Let me know if you want to warn him for me and I will send you his email....

I was contacted my another gentleman who wanted to meet me ASAP. However, he kept talking about physical stuff (i.e.) sex etc. I told him I wasn't interested and blocked him too.

Gee whiz.

Autopsy

2011-01-17T09:19:00.000-08:00

I miss Navy. Why is my heart so durn stubborn?

Why do I like him so stinkin much?

I was SO close to getting away from him a few months ago, I should have ran with that.

At the minimum, I thought we were friends, but I abhor the fact that he felt it necessary to LIE about stupid stuff.

Every time I'm tempted to contact him, I remind myself of the lies he told.

Contemplate the lies that I didn't find out--

That helps.

That being said, I texted him some stupid little thing last night.

His answer annoyed me, so I decided to ask him a question raised by his recent lie.

THE GOOBER told me a different story than the original lie.

It would have been a great opportunity to admit the truth, no big deal. I would have accepted it and thought better of him.

Instead, apparently, he forgot the original lie that he WENT OUT OF HIS WAY to tell me and told me a new version.

It's pretty disappointing.

On the other hand, he never asked me to develop such a high opinion of him,

didn't ask to be put on a pedestal.

It's unfair to get mad that he fell off a pedestal that he didn't ask for.

Still, I'm disappointed.

Okay, okay. Looking at the bright side. Might as well count the good things from my "relationship" with Navy:

He was a stabilizer for me for a period of time.

He held me when I cried (as long as it was silent tears--if I got loud, he told me to "CUT IT OUT" lol) I enjoyed how opposite we were. It was a nice fantasy to dream of a relationship with him. Taking care of him made me feel better.

Yeah that's it. Has to be enough.

2011-01-09T17:39:00.001-08:00

I was in church this morning when I got a text from my sister saying that Son had shown up at her doorstep crying.

Apparently, his father was screaming, yelling and carrying on at him this morning and dropped him off at our apartment but I WASN'T home and he couldn't get in. Plus, his cell phone wasn't working. His father didn't even bother to make sure whether or not he could get in.

SO, Son WALKED to our old house. Thankfully, my sister was there.

I never let my babies walk the streets by themselves.

Let it go Let it GO

2011-01-05T15:56:00.001-08:00

That's what I keep repeating to myself. I have this horrible way of holding on to things that were never meant for me, trying to force my life into what I want it to be, cram it into a groove where it doesn't fit ---- especially in terms of relationships.

I haven't heard from or contacted Navy since before New Years. "Let it go, Let HIM go...." I keep repeating that to myself. His health is not my responsibility. His life is not joined to mine. He is not mine. I wish he was. He's not. Why is it so hard to let go of nothing?

My marriage was not meant to be; he didn't want to be mine, didn't want ME. I grabbed hold and didn't let go for 20 years. At least I know it can be done---the letting go part, I mean. I did that.

Fred finally texted me last night. We exchanged a few texts. I LET HIM go. I think he wanted me to cry, to plead, to beg him to stay, to show through my tears how much he means to me. No way. I like him but I am not going to feed into that emotional manipulation--- that cry-for-me -so-I-feel-better crap. NOT going to do it. Plus, this is not the first time he has done that. It's easier for me to let him go than it is for me to let Navy go. Very odd considering Fred was so much more emotionally open and nurturing toward me. I guess I never trusted him when it came down to it.

Now, I am poised again to resume dating. Starting with a dinner date tomorrow night. Wish me luck.

Resolutions

2011-01-01T16:23:00.001-08:00

Okay, so resolutions for this new year:

Keep working on my health---eat healthier, exercise, blah blah.
Kicking Navy and Fred to the curb, or at least setting them there. During my lonely New Year's Eve and Day, I evaluated the relationships and decided that things are not sufficient to meet my requirements. It's WAY too one-sided with Navy. With Fred, there are many things I like, but he is just not in a place for a serious relationship at this time.
Get the last financial (debts) ties to X cut off and disposed of permanently.
Be more vigilant regarding Son and his grades, etc.
Focus on being happy and content within myself, separate from a man or relationship
Cultivate more friendships with women outside of work.

2010-12-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to think.

I want to believe that there are honest men out there.

I don't believe everything I hear.

But today I found out that a few basic things that Navy told me about his life before me are false, or at least partly false.

I've never thought he was perfect but...

Fred, I barely believe what he tells me.

but Navy?

Crap.

I'm not sure if it makes any difference in the big picture. After all, we may be are probably just friends anyway.

Still, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

2010-12-19T02:25:00.000-08:00

I saw Navy for a bit today---he went with me to Mom's to see if he could fix her screen door. He is definitely out of sorts. Christmas is close; he doesn't "do" Christmas and he's buggin out again like he did last year.

I can understand actually. He's not with his kids, his parents died a few years back in a tragic accident-- probably it's just depressing for him. Not that he would admit to such a thing. I looked back at my blog from when he flaked out on me last year and it was depressing to read.

Basically, there is not much of a relationship there between us. Definitely a friendship at minimum.

Guess a bunch of space is in order.

As far as Fred goes, I'm not sure either; my feelings are mixed.

It looks to be a lonely Christmas for me.

Son hasn't seen his father in about five weeks. Frankly, I almost feel like it's just as well because his father doesn't treat him kindly most of the time, is not devoting any particular effort to do anything special with Son when he does have him, and has a negative influence on him.

I've been trying to keep his time filled up with good things to distract him.

Sux to even type those things, but it is what it is.

2010-12-18T11:58:00.000-08:00

Finally, my Christmas vacation is here---I'm lazing about until Jan. 3rd!
It's a quiet weekend for me--Son went out of town on a school thing last night.

I took my daughter out to dinner and a movie, which was nice. I don't get to see her much anymore, so that is usually a way to get her company. She's doing well, raised her grades this quarter, got her nose pierced(!?). It's not my nose, so fine with me. However, hope she doesn't go crazy with the piercings. I keep telling her to picture herself 80years old with ___________ (tattoo, piercing whatever) and see if that's how she wants to look then. lol.

Had to run something over to Mom's so stayed and visited a bit, got lunch, library books and an extra blanket so that should hold me for a bit!

I'm wondering if I will have a man to spend time with over the break--hope so but..... Fred seems to be taking weekend long haul truck jobs lately. Les is always busy sleeping or with his motorcycle club. I'm psyching myself up to spending quality time with myself and with Son/family, I guess. Maybe it won't be such a shock that way. lol.

Empty Arms

2010-12-05T19:38:00.000-08:00

It was a rough weekend. I was feeling pretty blue to begin with--grieving the loss of my little family which has shattered to pieces, leaving just me and my son under one roof. Dunno what precipitated that pity party, but it was going on since Thursday.

Friday, Son's father didn't call, text, or come to pick him up. Son was not inclined to make the effort either. I guess he figures that if his father wants him, he'd initiate. Saturday morning was particularly rough because Son had Saturday School---kind of like detention on Saturday, for being tardy to class after PE. Moving fast is not his strong suit ever. Plus, he doesn't wake up and get going easily either.

Basically, Saturday was filled with Son's fussing, homework, tears, slamming of doors,and lot's of I-hate-you's. Yeah, pretty miserable all the way around. I think maybe it was a reaction to how he feels about what's happening with his dad. OR not happening. It culminated in Son sobbing in his bedroom. I couldn't take it, so we ended up having a "do-over" and went out to a movie---"Tangled" by Walt Disney- an AWESOME movie and the best I have seen in a long time!!!

The men in my life were AWOL this weekend as well. :(( It seems to be feast or famine with me. Even so, Son's 12-year-old angst kept me quite busy. I just want someone who will be around on a regular basis. Is that too much to ask? I'm lonely :( sigh. Guess having Son is a blessing--other wise I would be REALLY alone.

I didn't receive child support for November which was a bummer because I was half counting on it. Major suckage and not the good kind.

On the bright side, my little apartment is neat, clean, and cute as anything. My furniture looks good in it and I brought the least amount of junk possible. I'm really enjoying the fact that it's so easy to keep. We got our Christmas decorations up---lots of snowmen which make me happy.

So, all said and done, life feels pretty good and my arms feel pretty empty.

smooch to ya'll.

Men--past and present

2010-11-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

Been a hectic, busy, tiring, good, stressful and curious Thanksgiving break.
I'm pretty much moved into my new place-- but MEGA cleaning and sorting to do at the house yet.
Thanksgiving Day, Navy came to my mom's house for lunch :)) AND he stayed quite awhile, which was pretty nice.
Yesterday, Fred came and helped me move the rest of my furniture, my washer and hooked it up, etc. That was so sweet of him. So yeah, these two men seem to be in and out of my day to day life.

X came by the new place and aggravated me. Asked for a favor, threatened, accused, threatened, whined, blah blah. THEN he tried to force a hug on me with an apology! pfft can you believe him? I stepped away, held up a hand and said NO! No hug. Apology accepted, whatever.

Good thing was Fred was there when he came. When I was done with the conversation, I just walked away and into Fred's arms. He petted my hair. Nice. Even nicer was that X had to see it as he drove away. lol. whatever.

I'm loving my new apartment.

2010-11-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

I cooked dinner on Friday AND made lasagna yesterday.
That's quite an accomplishment for me, lately.
When I was a wife and a mother, I cooked all the time.
Now, it's just me and Mr. Fussy Eater, so we don't always eat the same thing.

Spent the weekend alone. I hate being alone.
Sad.
Took myself to a movie, so that was good.
Still a bit sad.
Even so, managed to do some packing for the big move, paid a few pre-moving bills.
I have to say, I'm kind of scared about finances. Not sure why, since this will be much easier for me to manage.

Moving is a pain. There are still so many things that we accumulated over the years to sort through, which is pretty daunting. If I can finally get through it all though, I will finally be free of my marriage, free of the junk, much lighter.

I don't know who will help me move. My brother is busy. Not sure if I can carry stuff myself but maybe if I can find a cart.

I could pay the one biker guy who I hire now and again to help. But, things are tight financially at the moment.

Gonna get my daughter and son helping, that's for sure.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

"Down On Me" - Keenan Cahill Performs with 50 Cent on Chelsea Lately (un...

2010-11-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

For some reason, this makes me like 50 Cent much more. 100% more because I never liked him. But this video... I think it was nice of him.

2010-11-12T15:44:00.001-08:00

sometimes I just need a stinking BREAK!!!! Every morning, I have to fight to get this kid up and out the door so that I'm not late for work AGAIN. I have to deal with his attitudes, his not getting homework done, his teachers, paying for everything and his DAMN father can't do anything remotely helpful. I'm sorry but sometimes I think X is nothing but a damn aggravating waste of space.

Freedom

2010-11-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

You know, I hesitate to write anything here lately. It seems like the minute I publish something on here, the whole situation flip flops and the opposite of what I just wrote becomes true. :/

Okay, so practically the second I posted the last entry, Navy waltzed back into my life in a big way and Fred waltzed out, I guess. I dunno. After some great quality time, *poof* he's incommunicado. I prolly did something to upset him, AGAIN. whatever.

I dare say no more about the Navy situation due to the reason stated above. :/

Meanwhile, work is fine. My sleep is disrupted. Getting ready to move to the apartment over Thanksgiving--looking forward to it, but a bit nervous too. I've lived in the house for 12 years and kinda scared to be a single mother in an apartment surrounded by strangers. However, being able to live within my salary will be a good bonus---that way child support or no, things will be okay.

Speaking of which, I haven't been so torn up over that business lately. Seems like I'm finally healing. YaY.

Life is good today

2010-10-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today, life is good.

I spent time with my previous boyfriend, Fred, who may now be my boyfriend again. It's weird calling him BOYfriend. He's a MAN. no doubt about it. I'm hoping he will be mine, stay mine, etc. I'm optimistic. All I know is what we do have is very special.
Anyhoo, he fixed my garage door for me (again). So life is pretty good that way.

On financial matters, I have officially changed my mind AGAIN, but this time I am not changing it back. I'm moving into an apartment in a couple of weeks and my sister will stay in my house, feed the dogs for me, etc. I'm going to get myself a new sofa, new bed and take the bare minimum from this place. A new start, a fresh start. Life is good. Not changing my mind on this---it's full steam ahead. Looking forward to it!

blahh

2010-10-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

Not much going on here. Been a long boring weekend and it's not over yet.

I did take myself to a movie yesterday--even sprang for popcorn and a pop.

8:30 pm --that same guy who took me out on a late date last time asked me to dinner again. I almost went, but then I'd taken some medication that would help me sleep so didn't think it would be a good thing for me to drive. Plus, he was the guy who wanted to get naked with me after the first date. I figured it would be more of the same. Also, I don't really see anything working out with him, so prolly no point in wasting my time.

biker electricians

2010-10-18T03:39:00.000-07:00

Lots of stuff happening around here--things are streaming crazily in one direction. Kinda scary.

K. so, hired a guy to paint the rest of the house exterior so that's done before winter. He's also going to replace the wood on the outside that needs it. Nice thing is, he will take payments.

Have an electrician coming in--a tattooed, long haired BIKER electrician coming in to redo my kitchen lights, check and finish all wiring upstairs and put in a new breaker box or something like that.

My sister is moving in to the one finished living space upstairs and is going to rent it SO I need to make sure that is all good and ready to go--finish off the wiring, make it purty, have a ceiling fan/light put in there.

I had a date with a guy a week or so ago; it was a very enjoyable visit with lots of laughing. He checked with me the next night to see if I was ready to sleep with him yet....(!!??). yeah. lol I wasn't. The guy who broke up with me is back around. Dunno bout that.

I'm kinda stressed.

down with bears

2010-10-07T20:59:00.001-07:00

So, my new guy broke up with me. We were getting along great it seemed, but guess I'm not what he is looking for. Wish I'd seen that coming! lol. I really can't complain too much, considering I've kicked a few guys to the curb myself. Figure if I am gonna dish it out, I need to be able to take it as well.

Not gonna lie, this one hurt quite a bit. He was SO wonderful, caring, affectionate, and said wonderful things to me. However, I've always been leery of people who are too easy and free with their words and this definitely proves it true, I'm sorry to say. I'm a bit bruised, angry, and generally not happy about the energy I expended on him, so doubt I'm gonna be ready to jump right in to that situation again easily.

I've been texting back and forth with Navy but haven't seen him in over a month. Not really planning on going down that road again.

Big news on the home front-- I'm giving up the house and moving into an apartment. The house is draining all my finances, energy, care and concern but leaving no room in the budget for food or other necessities. I'm looking forward to simplifying my life and letting go of all the things that bind me. :)

dingbat me

2010-09-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

I've been laid low for going on two weeks now, but I hope the end is near. The doc put me on antibiotics, so apparently I have had THREE things going on, one of which is an infection. It's my second day on them, so hoping that the rest will resolve quickly!

Son is still struggling to "get with the program" in 7th grade. I'm trying to focus on the positives and not freak out over the edge-of-the-cliff grades. Just found out he had a book report due yesterday.....

Son called me Friday night saying he wanted to come home coz his dad's didn't have electricity and that he would pick him up again Saturday. Then again on Sunday morning, I had to go rescue him from a grumpy, grumpy father. X has been living at his parent's house (they abandoned everything and went back to Indonesia) without paying mortgage since last April/May. Basically, letting it go into foreclosure. So now, down to the wire, he is freaking out because MAYBE there are still things he can sell out of it and of course, he has no one to help him clean or whatever.

So what did I do? Yeah, dingbat me offered to help, telling son that "family helps family". So despite my physical pain and discomfort, I spent an hour and a half filling trash bags. Actually, I enjoyed the throwing my X mother-in-laws stuff away part. I was supposed to get the dishwasher and dining table out of it, but in the end, just didn't care enough to bother--what with the pain and all. I got a few pillows, some corning ware and miscellaneous sundries out of it, so not a total loss I guess. Did I get a thank you? No. But X did offer to stick medicine up my butt.... Yeah I said NO to that. My momma didn't raise no fool!!!! (debatable, I kno)

ouchies

2010-09-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

So, did ya miss me?

Things have been interesting, to say the least.

Been busy with my new guy--FredDbear. Enjoyed spending lots of quality time the past three weekends but this weekend am likely to suffer withdrawal. It's kinda feels iffy to me yet, which is why I have refrained from commenting too much.

Things are awesome when we are together, but he lives over an hour away. Anyhoo, I'll put that to the side for now.

I've been laid low this week by two very uncomfortable ailments. Each one on it's own is miserable, but when combined. OH MY GOSH> :( Bright side, I am feeling a bit better today.

My X is a jerk... been over a month since I received anything at all from him. Last time was less than half a payment. Meanwhile, thank GOD for family. My mom has been keeping us in groceries and my car tank full. I've been able to pay for the basics for the most part, so that is good. Somethings gonna have to give tho.

I went up North to MN last weekend to see my dying aunt. Saw my best forever friend too. Was a nice visit but used up all my personal/sick days at work. :/

This weekend, I plan on hanging in my bedroom watching TV, playing on my computer, and napping. I should grade essays too. I need to.... I really have to.... We'll see.

looking toward Fall

2010-08-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

I had a mostly a good day yesterday-- got up early, used my old fashioned reel mower to mow the front yard (hard work---like carpet sweeping the yard) then trimmed it. The back yard calls for a real REAL lawn mower.

Speaking of which, I'd been talking to son that maybe X would give me the lawnmower back since he is letting his parents house go into foreclosure and moving into an apartment. So, yesterday, Son called me saying his dad wanted the HD TV converter box. I asked, "What will he give me?" Son passed that message along and I heard him in the background< "Give her the lawnmower, Dad. You don't need the lawn mower, why don't you give her the lawnmower?" To which his dad said he'd think about it.

So, I went over to Navy's and got the converter from him since he wasn't using it. But when I called Son to see about bringing it to them, he said his dad decided to SELL the lawnmower. That upset me. He was just being hateful and evil. Why was I surprised? It sent me into a tailspin for the rest of the evening--I alternated between wanting to smash/break things or die.

I just took something to help me sleep and went to bed early. If I broke anything around the house, it would just hurt me not him anyway and the other same deal.

Anyhoo, most of the day I was with my daughter which was nice. We went to the mall to look at a computer she wanted, out to lunch, to my bro's house, then to her dad's to get her stuff out of the house before it gets taken. X looked like he'd been sucking on lemons. Glad I don't have to see that face every day!

Apparently, Navy had another episode of anaphalaxis (allergic reaction- severe) on Friday. He managed to catch it early enough so he didn't have to go to hospital, went to his Dr. instead. Now, he has to have an epi-pen with him always just in case and temporarily cannot take any of his medications for diabetes (not good). I never told you, but after his first episode that almost killed him, he developed something called allodynia. Basically, any touch on his skin feels like fingernails ripping at his flesh. So yeah, no good. That makes showers, clothing, friendly pats on the arm, hugs, etc pretty much miserable. There is no treatment really for that condition. sux big time.

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to cooler weather. I think I'll be more productive around my house. Speaking of which, I'm gonna go get busy!

huggles to you all. smooch.

waiting for Fall

2010-08-28T04:24:00.000-07:00

I'm glad it's the weekend, but it tends to be the loneliest time for me---too much time to think, too much time by myself. Meanwhile, I'm going to use this time to clean up my house. If all else feels like a wild stampede of cattle toward the cliff, keeping my house in order helps me feel like SOMETHING is good. lol.

I've already told Son that he cannot go to Houston with his father. There are several reasons for this: I don't trust my X; he doesn't pay anything toward Son's school; Son would miss 3-4 days of school and I would be stuck with the headache of trying to help him catch up; X will not communicate with me, answer my calls or emails which only pertain to issues with his Son anyway ; and so far have yet to receive child support this month.

Not gonna send my child off with someone who hates me, wants to hurt me, and refuses to communicate regarding child issues. That makes sense, right?

I realized the other day that from my gross monthly pay, I am netting just barely half in take home pay!!!!????? So, temporarily, I'm stopping my 401k contributions. Not much, but it is grocery money. I really want to be able to make it regardless of whether or not child support comes in.

I'm eagerly awaiting cooler weather so that I can resume painting the exterior of my house. Gotta get that done and by myself, it's slow going! Today, I need to see if I can untangle grass from the reel mower and work on the lil front yard I have.... maybe give the dogs a bath.

So far, school is going well. I've been working the students hard and myself harder. Might have to ease up on us a bit! lol.

Where are you?

2010-08-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

It's so beautiful outside!!!! It feels cool, but not cold with nice breeze blowing. This is the kind of night that I would love to have someone special with enjoying it---sitting out on a back porch, cuddling, smooching, gazing at the night sky, loving it.

Dear God, please bring him soon! I don't want to waste a moment that I could be with him, whoever he is.

Cookielicious

2010-08-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday.

Cookie ran away to her "Dad's" house again (My X). Pretty soon, he is moving and she will be showing up at a stranger's doorstep. She's such a brat.

Bright Sides

2010-08-23T17:24:00.000-07:00

My lil bro fixed my sliding door---it now opens and closes like butter.

He also fixed my son's laptop, bought me some furnace filters, and the other day he fixed my leaky pipe under the kitchen sink. He loves me. So one man in my life does.

My mom gave me some money to buy groceries - 60 dollars. 40 of that I had to use for a stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid personal thing which if I didn't could have had severe financial/personal repercussions. I regret that. done. gone. nothing I can do but regret it. Tryin to let it go.

Okay enough of my attempt to look at the bright side. I'm not feelin it. Sigh. I'm sad because Navy... I'm tired of waiting around for him like a pathetic puppy who just wants a lil attention. Obviously I'm not a priority, not even close. I can't even talk about it. Coz I'm stinkin sad.

I got nuthin

2010-08-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

Another quiet weekend spent alone.
I'm recovering from a cold, so Nyquil is currently my best friend.
My sliding door is totally falling apart and I don't know what I 'm going to do. I need a handy man who works for free.
Things are tight financially as I try not to rely on child support---never knowing if or when I am going to get it is exhausting, but not having it means that there really isn't room in my budget for food....
I know I should cancel my internet and cable, but then what will I do during my weekend since I am now on a man diet? Anyhoo, if child support doesn't come thru, it will be shut off soon enough.
Sallie Mae wants money for X's student loans and if I don't pay something by the end of the month, it won't be good. Meanwhile, I've got my own that I'm trying to get deferred, medical bills to pay, blah blah---all things that are also not in the budget.
X wants to take Son to Houston in Sept. for a couple days to meet up with my X sis-in-law from Indonesia who will be there. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Okay Okay, I'm looking for a bright side here.... lemme think. 1) Son has been getting up well for school so far. 2) I got nuthin. sorry!

Maybe when I get over this cold, I'll feel better.

this n that n what not

2010-08-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Welp, school has started and there goes my summer. It was an odd one--not what I hoped for, but guess it was sufficient.

The temperatures here have been in the 100's now for a couple weeks--my car said it was 115 the other day. Certainly felt like it too! I've been staying indoors as much as humanly possible. I am still following my man diet pretty closely. There were new guys I could have followed up on, but just couldn't bring myself to do so. Prolly, I'm just tired of the dating wheel. I dunno.

Haven't heard much from Navy unless I text or call him first---He's busy enjoying his new vehicle and was busy being a biker this weekend. He stopped by a bit ago to return some money he borrowed and not a moment too soon! I have been soooo stinkin broke n mom has been paying for all kinds of things for me. Makes me feel bad :(

My sliding door is going to need to be replaced. I do have one in the garage that can be installed ---need to find someone who knows how to do that. sigh.

Welp, guess that's all for now! smooches.

Toby Keith - Trailerhood

2010-08-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

North Carolina, mrawr

2010-08-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say that I think I love North Carolina and want to move there. The men are hawt, they have smexy accents, and funny idioms... plus the name places are cool (i.e. Lizard Lick, Kill Devil Falls--what's not to love??)mmm plus I think the grow 'em bigger there! :)

I have to go back to work next week, which makes me really ANTSY right now. I'm all tense, uptight and wanna do somethin crazy.

Meanwhile, I have a date tonite-- a second date. This guy is definitely a diamond in the rough, not in a good way but he is sweet and good company.

I'm suffering withdrawals from NAVY too coz he finally got himself a new manly macho truck. He's so happy about it too, that I can't begrudge him the thrills. However, I do miss him lotz since I have been driving him back and forth to work for weeks now. I'm afraid he won't even miss me :((

sigh.

2010-08-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

Sad. Sad. sad. sad. sad.

kinda of.

Been watching episodes of "Growing up Twisted" --- the Snider family---Twisted Sister? remember?

I like the show--and surprisingly, Dee Snider is a great guy--seems like. What a nice family. He's romantic, caring, and LOVES his wife after 34 years. Point is, I got tears in my eyes. :/

My X decided try out his polite words-- texted me and asked me for copies of the 2007 and 2008 tax returns. I didn't reply, just emailed the pdf files to him. His response? "Thanks

muah, I owe you a massage".

w. t Hexigon??

I didn't reply. Not to the text not to his stinkin stupid massage comment. That was always his answer to everything, his way of getting what he wanted---"ohhh just put my hands on her and she'll do anything I ask."

I don't plan on ever speaking to him again. Not after the things he said to me the last time we spoke. Oh, nothing I hadn't heard before, but nothing I ever plan on giving him the opportunity to say to me again. I want to say that I HATE him. Unfortunately, hate is not something can do.. even so, this is as close as I get.

I'm not crying now. I'm not going to be sad tomorrow. Sadness will come but it won't stay long. It's a part of life I guess.

Biker chick... my destiny??

2010-07-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

Son and I were on our way home after dropping Navy at work. We pulled up behind two motorcycles-- a couple on Harleys.

Son said "Why are all biker chicks blonde?!" As far as I know, Son has no experience seeing or being around biker chicks....

"When have you ever seen biker chicks? I'm pretty sure they aren't all blond!"

"YOU'RE blonde."

"Umm, I'm not a biker chick unless you see me actually riding on one!"

"You're almost! That was a close call there with Dad, Mom. He was going to get a bike. Now you're with Navy, he's a biker. Mom, the heaven's have opened up and declared that you are destined to be a biker chick!! It's only a matter of time!"

lol. funny kid.

teeter totter up n down, up n down

2010-07-29T10:29:00.001-07:00

Only a week or so until I have to go back to work, so I have been trying to keep myself busy and doing things in order to build my "work" stamina up. lol. A summer of rest and relaxation makes for a hard transition going back to the daily grind!

I am no longer on antidepressants. YaY. Welp, I do have something for emergencies, in case I have an "episode". But that I take on an "as needed" basis. Meanwhile, I think I'm doing well. Some days, I feel so optimistic about my life, happy, upbeat, etc. That is really different for me and a bit scary--hard for me to trust in those feelings.

Other days, like today, I feel scared---I wonder if I can keep the house (mortgage payment equals half my monthly salary), wonder if I can get it fixed up, wonder if I can pay for my car, my son's braces, etc. Being alone, without anyone to share these concerns with, without having someone to join in making a plan and execution of it... wow. A bit overwhelming, to say the least.

I just have to keep a list of what has been accomplished so far, I guess, if only to encourage myself that I can do this.

I'm still on my "man diet". Other than Navy, I really don't have else to do things with--haven't since the first week of July. (Navy and I don't do anything together anyway, unless it's shopping, eating, or running errands. I'm so pathetic that I'm just happy to be with him wherever. sigh..)

Was supposed to meet a guy who was in from out of town for coaches clinic, but when he called me to make arrangements, he asked if I had a single friend to bring along for his friend. !!!??? That felt weird to me, like something that a 20-something might do. yeah, so I canceled. Bunch 'o squirrelly coaches running around away from their home town.... wasn't in the mood for that I guess.

I do have a lunch date with a gentleman tomorrow. Not gonna cancel, but not feeling into it at the moment.

Yesterday, I had a great time at my friend's house--had lunch, swam in the pool, laughed, cried, talked. I can't remember how long it's been since I did that. Unfortunately, I tend to gravitate toward men, not women for social stuff. Maybe I should do as my mom says and get some female friends to hang around...

Mom and I are going to start taking aqua aerobic classes next week. This is the first time in my adult life---ever, actually--- that I have decided to do something like this. Frankly, I'm excited about it! Guess, I am tired of being sick and tired. Need to exercise so that I feel better physically, help me lose weight, tone up, get in shape. Hard to believe that I am really looking forward to this! That gives me hope. :)

Son and I went to a late movie the other night. On the way back, I was fooling around--made him laugh so hard he almost threw up. lol.

I'll keep you posted. hugz.

my man diet

2010-07-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a mostly uneventful weekend.
Due to an ailment of a personal nature, I was not feeling up to much.

Plus, I'm still sticking to my man diet.

One of Navy's biker friends kept hitting on me via My Space. Of course he wanted nothing but NSA sex, so I closed my My Space (he was really the only person I talked to on there) and deleted him from my other stuff.

As I have previously said, my 20 yr marriage was pretty much a big booty call, aka, NSA sex, so I'm searching for more this time around. I will be so disappointed if there is really no such thing as love for me.

I watched "Hope Floats" with Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr today. What a great show---I wanted to crawl in the TV and pretend it was my life. Sooo pathetic. lol

Saturday, Son called me needing salt---told me it was an emergency and his dad wasn't home. Doting mother as always, brought it to him. As he came out of the house he said, "Hey Mom, guess what Dad has you saved as on his contact list?" Yeah it was a pretty rude, disrespectful name.

I grabbed the phone from son and changed it to "2Good4YOU". But, I was upset. I am sooooooo tired and heartbroken that I wasted so much of my life with this person, so humiliated and degraded that my children have heard so many horrible things coming out of their father's mouth about me.

I ended up confronting him about it. I won't go into detail but he did admit to trying to get me fired, said he'd mistreated Son previously coz son reminded him of me, said some more horrible things to me, blah blah.

That's okay, I am so done with it. It just reinforced the fact that failure is NOT an option. I HAVE to be able to keep my house, get it fixed up, pay for my car, make my life fantastic. Anything less is unacceptable.

Current mood: determined

Spare me your lies

2010-07-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Go ahead,

throw words and words and words

over me until I am covered.

A strong wind comes--they blow away.

Save me the trouble of sneezing

from the dust of your pointless particles,

your endless verbage.

Verbs are action words for a reason.

Action speaks more to me

than your cheap, cloying, meaningless cliches.

I'm closing my ears and opening my eyes

to SEE what you are really saying.

:( jkc 2010

what am I trying to prove?

2010-07-11T05:23:00.000-07:00

Have spent this weekend alone. Son left last week for a trip up North with my mom and uncle. I was supposed to go but chose to stay home instead.
Not happy about being alone this weekend, but at least I haven't had any meltdowns or anything. I'd say that is a good thing.
Probably a good idea for me to go to the library for books to read if this alone thing keeps up.

My personality

2010-07-09T21:32:00.001-07:00

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|	20%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|	20%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|	20%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Conflictseeking	\|\|	10%
Need to dominate	\|\|	10%
Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%

Wealth	\|\|	10%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Peter pancomplex	\|\|\|\|	20%
Histrionic	\|\|	10%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|	20%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Physicalfitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|	20%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Indie	\|\|	10%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

no surprise

2010-07-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I go and read my blog entries from a year ago to reassure myself that I have made progress, as well as remind myself of what was happening. Here is an entry about my childbirth experience that says so much about my marriage and it falls in sharp comparison to what Navy's was with his wife.

brief showers

2010-07-08T17:08:00.000-07:00

Navy and I were eating lunch before he went to work today. The topic of childbirth came up and he was talking about the birth of his children etc. It was very nice to hear him talk about it but suddenly, I got all choked up.

It struck me that all the shared experiences of 20 years---20 years of my life that I spent married to my X, all of it is all gone. After having gone through all that including pregnancy and childbirth, it SUX that my partner is no longer part of my life. It's not supposed to be that way. I told him so.

He didn't laugh or get mad, looked to me like his eyes were a bit watery too. He kept telling me about his experience and we finished our lunch.

Now, don't go thinking ooohooo that's depression. No, it's not. That is called grief. The main difference is that grief sneaks up on ya, a sudden burst of emotion, then it goes away until next time.

I've had both now and I can tell the difference.

this and that

2010-07-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Postponed my road trip so that I can drive Navy to work and pick him up in the mornings. Been rainin crazily here every day and couldn't stand the thought of him riding his bike in the pouring way to or from work.

His medicines are so so so expensive. One of his diabetic pens is going to cost 900 for a month supply---after insurance he says. Hard to believe. Things are difficult for him dealing with all the medical issues, costs, medicines, finances right now.

Mom gave me money to give to him for groceries and when I gave it to him, he said "when was the last time she had her butt paddled?" THAT was a strange mental picture. Meanwhile, he was pretty happy to get food in his cupboards -- I know coz I followed his tattooed hairy self around the store while he shopped.

I went to the Dr. yesterday for blood work and filling prescriptions. Talked to her about the fact I've been weaning off of my antidepressant, which has gone very well so far as I can see.

The other day nothing went well---setting up a silly pool in the back yard for my son--FAIL, painting what I could reach and frustrated because: I have no one to help me reach, the siding comes off on the roller --thats how old it is, I have no man to help me, the refrigerator water filter needs replacing, hose isn't working again, dogs need bathing and my shower thingy is stuck... okay I will stop there, but trust me---the list goes on .

That lasted all the way up until late night; nothing working, nothing going my way. I cried for about two seconds, bewailing my single status but that was it. Just went to sleep and things were better the next day. PROGRESS as promised. (Yeah, I know I didn't promise, but see those signs around town on the construction.....)

It's summer. I dream of long sexy, wet kisses on a Saturday night by moonlight. Those are the best. Wish I had someone to hold hands with, have slow mornings with, take short trips, cop feels, laugh with and enjoy company of.

Dunno why it's so hard for me to sleep in the house alone. It's not like my 12 yr old son is any protection but I feel better having him in the next room I guess. (He's gone up North with my Mom ---I'm goin up later this week)

When I was taking him to Mom's he accidentally let Jasper out thru the front. Jasper thinks its great fun to prance about avoiding being caught. Son was chasing him all about the cul-de-sac with my yelling "GET THAT DOG" the whole while. "GET HIM GET THAT DOG!" Jasper then thought it would be swell to go across the street to harass a woman walking her dogs, darting in and out teasing them yet avoiding gettin his head bit off. Still, I'm yelling across the neighborhood "GET him!!! Grab him!!!" yeah, so obviously that wasn't working. SO, I left my car running in the cul-de-sac and went to try to help him. FYI trying to catch Jasper is like trying to catch a greased pig. Everytime u just barely touch him, he darts away. Uber annoying. Between running around trying to catch Jasper, yelling for Son to get him, apologizing to the lady.... yeah. I ended up stomping back to the car telling Son to get him or Jasper is goin to the pound.

Jasper decided he'd had enough fun and followed us back to the cul-de-sac. sigh.

In the past two weeks, Jasper has chewed up and or eaten/partially eaten: a comb, bionicles (son's lego thingys) pencil, miscellaneous papers and cardboard, sock, and some things I cannot mention here.

Cookie was whining at my door around 2:30 this morning--when I went to let her outside, she took one look at the pouring rain and went back to her corner. lol.

Welp, time for some bfast. hugz to u all.

catharsis

2010-07-06T06:26:00.000-07:00

Why is life so confusing?

My world exploded--here I am trying to grab bits and pieces of what I had together. Sure, it was messed up but it was MINE!!!!! My life revolved around husband, kids, job. My energy was focused on keeping all the plates spinning, keeping my world from crashing over the side of a cliff---food on the table, bills paid, blah blah blah. It was stressful, sometimes unbearable, but at least I knew it. The one thing I could count on was a warm body in my bed, arms to hold me; it anchored me.

For over 20 years, my life revolved around him. Now, everything is out of whack, out of kilter, spinning crazily. NO, I don't want him back, but I hate this uncertainty that my life has become, the lack of anything to center me. Half my family is gone elsewhere, both son and daughter lash out at me in anger... I was a wife and mother--what am I now?

This is the point where the panic starts. When these kind of thoughts come with tears, agitation, hyperventilation, and melt down--usually.

Not today, though. Just putting it down here helps I guess. I feel better now. thanks. :)

Happy 4th of July

2010-07-04T04:51:00.000-07:00

Just me and the dogs

2010-07-03T17:49:00.001-07:00

Publish Post

Lazy morning
Rainy day
Brief shopping
Great nap
Family meal
Grilled meats
Strawberry and spinach salad
Delicious desserts
Piles of nieces on a couch with my kids thrown in.
Teasing sister about her left of center tramp stamp.
Lots of joking.
Too much food.
Looks to be a solitary evening.
Just me and the dogs.

New Day

2010-07-01T02:07:00.000-07:00

Welp, I've been up thinking. yeah, I know it's dangerous. But long overdue.

I texted M--who I kicked to the curb but was corresponding with. Told him that I am not looking for sex, but am looking for love and long term.
Texted big truck fix it guy- B, who is having surgery today, that I said a prayer for him and exchanged a few texts to help rally his courage.
Texted Navy - "I love you." which I do, if ya'll haven't figured that out. Not gonna change the fact that I'm tired of chasing him, but decided I might as well tell him. Doesn't really matter what he says or doesn't say.
I'm pulling down my profiles off the singles sites. Whatever I'm doing so far isn't helping me. Decided that I am going to focus on me, my health, my house, my life, and those that I've already brought into my life up to this point. If I am home on the weekends, so be it. Just another opportunity to get myself straightened up. I might even spend my weekends at my favorite spot walking around, getting air, exercise, and enjoying the atmosphere.

It's too late to love me now

2010-06-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

It's too late
You say you want me, and it's too late
Once my love for you was so great
But it's too late to love me now
It's too bad
You say you need me, and it's too bad
I know the feelin' and it's so sad
But it's too late to love me now
It's too late to love me now

Don't you know how hard I tried to hold out just for you?
Lovin' you from mem'ry day by day
Then someone came into my life, turned my dreams around
He's takin' all the love you threw away

It's too late
You say you want me, and it's too late
Once my love for you was so great
But it's too late to love me now
It's too late to love me now

Don't you know how hard I tried to hold out just for you?
Lovin' you from memory day by day
Then someone came into my life, turned my world around
He's takin' all the love you threw away

It's too late
You say you need me, and it's too late
Once my love for you was so great
But it's too late to love me now
It's too late to love me now

Patriot Guard Riders

2010-06-29T04:13:00.000-07:00

Don't forget that many bikers are veterans and love their country!! I'd hug and kiss each and everyone of the Patriot Guard Riders! WTG guys.

By JARREL WADE World Staff Writer
Published: 6/29/2010 2:28 AM

OWASSO — A group from Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kan., was outnumbered Monday evening during a memorial service for Army Sgt. Andrew Looney.

Patriot Guard Riders, a motorcycle group that travels to soldiers' funerals to honor their families and shield them from the signs of hate held by Westboro members, were on hand along with hundreds of people from the community to counterprotest the controversial group.

Westboro members picket soldiers' funerals across the country, spreading their message that "God hates America" because it "condones homosexuality" and that it is wrong to idolize dead soldiers. They claim that the soldiers' deaths are God's vengeance on the United States.

Police were also there to maintain distance between the two groups. They escorted the Westboro members away from the area just before 7 p.m.

Rebekah Phelps-Davis, a daughter of Westboro's pastor, Fred Phelps, was one of six Westboro members who stood near the site of the service.

Her daughter, Deborah Phelps-Davis, 15, and son, Barak Phelps-Davis, 11, were also among the six.

During the counterprotest, many from the Owasso community chanted "U.S.A." and sang "God Bless America" between
jeers at the Westboro members.

"This is a typical response," Phelps-Davis said. "When we put the word of God in the air, there is a wholesale rejection."

Dave Borg, one of the many counterprotesters, said he felt sorry for the Westboro members and the children they brought.

"They (the children) don't even know. They have no idea," he said about the children's participation in the demonstration. "I feel sorry for them."

Borg, who noted that his brother is disabled from severe wounds he suffered in the Vietnam war, said soldiers fight and die for the right to free speech, but he considered the Westboro members' protests during memorial services to be unforgiveable.

"It's sad. They are just sorry people," he said.

"It's about a dead soldier — people's son — that died in the war giving them the right to do what they do."

Original Print Headline: Westboro group outnumbered
jarrel.wade@tulsaworld.com
By JARREL WADE World Staff Writer

Trace Adkins - Marry For Money

2010-06-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

iSmite

2010-06-27T08:09:00.001-07:00

I was supposed to have a first official date with T today. We'd met Friday after a week or so of emails and text messages -- he came over, picked me up and we went for coffee, had a great time laughing and talking, made plans to go out to a movie today. Turns out though, he wanted to meet me at the theater because he is too lazy to drive ten minutes further to pick me up.

First of all, IF I give you my address, I expect you to use it. Secondly, I am stinking SPECIAL and deserve to be picked up if you want to go out with me. NO DURN way am I getting into another deal where I do all the work. nope nope nope. sorry, not happening.

He called to make arrangements to meet me there.

"What? You're not going to pick me up?"

"Well I'd have to drive past the place, pick you up, and drive back again." The conversation went a little further than that because I thought he was joking. Nope, turns out he was serious. I reluctantly agreed but as I hung up, immediately felt a pang in my chest "You're not important enough to pick up" whispered in my ear. Made me feel like crap.

So, I texted him:

"Oh, hey, sorry I'm going to have to cancel." (basically I don't like feeling that I'm not important enough for you to pick up.) "Thanks for asking though!" (I'm giving you the opportunity to try again if you can MAN it up a bit).

His response "OK". Yeah. MAN FAIL.

I smite.

2010-06-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Lots has happened.

Thursday last week, I found out that Navy was in the hospital from Saturday onwards due to almost dying from an allergic reaction to one of his medications. Here I was being stubborn, not calling him, waiting for him to call me, and he was at deaths door. :( I'm an idiot, huh. But he's alive thank God.

Friday, I used a high power vacuum to vacuum my car--- It was like an episode of I Love Lucy. Sucked up huge things from the car not meant to be vacuumed, got tangled up in the hose, practically crawled inside the trunk to get the far reaches. Wrestled my skirt out of the vacuum hose, and later it almost sucked the shirt off of my back. hope they don't have a video camera

After that, I went out and bought myself a car. Yay didn't have to ask anyone's permission or explain myself. Pretty happy about that!

I drove up to my friend's place in Rochester, MN to support her during a hearing for a restraining order she filed against an X boyfriend.

It may not be Hallmark, but it's mine

2010-06-18T03:33:00.000-07:00

I have a friend/acquaintance... just as my marriage was ending, her 40 something husband died unexpectedly from a heart attack. I remember sitting in the memorial service, my estranged husband a row behind thinking that I would never be able to stand up at his funeral telling what a great husband, father, person he had been, etc.

Between her husband's life insurance/ social security, she has been able to move into a fancy house with a pool, take trips all around with her children, not have to work other than taking care of everything,....and of course mourn her husband. He was a great guy. Her life is a Hallmark made-for-TV feel good movie.

Anyhoo, she made a snarky comment to something I said about my life being a "sitcom without the canned laughter' (I was really just joking, not serious a all). I wanted to respond and say "Well, we all don't get to enjoy our kids full time from pool side or on a plane to Vegas, to mourn our husband in relative financial, physical comfort....' Yeah, well I didn't say that and never would say that to her. I've lost people I loved, I would never judge her for whatever she has to do to survive.

Instead, what I get is an immature X who wanted the divorce but says horrible things about me to my children, who barely pays child support yet leaves me to pay his student loans that I cosigned for. I get to try to keep a roof over my sons head, literally--fixing up a house that was terribly neglected repair wise, keep food in the fridge, clothes on his back, be a 24-7 PARENT and not just someone who takes him for two carefree days on the weekend. Yeah, my life isn't a stinkin sitcom. It's a frickin soap opera.

Even so, I am happier in many ways than I have ever been in the past 20 odd years of marriage. I am free to laugh, love, cry, shout, and go about my life without constant criticism, oppression and emotional abuse. My life might not be ready for Sunday evening TV but ya kno, someday it will be. Such as it is, this is my life and I'm going on day by day, even when I would rather not. so pfftt.

2010-06-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

Had another bad dream about X this morning ;/
He kept grabbing at me, touching me, not letting me go,
even though his girlfriend was in the next room.
When anyone else was around, he acted all sweet and innocent, like I was the crazy one.
I kept screaming at him to not touch me, let me go, keep away from me.
I ended up looking like an idiot
and he ended up looking like an angel.
grrr. grrr.
wish he would get out of my dreams.

Let the smiting commence.

2010-06-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, let the smiting begin.
Getting out my man eraser and erasing a few useless lumps of man candy.
I don't need to sit around waiting and wondering.
I'm just gonna keep moving forward.
Let them stay behind.
I've got things to do, places to go, men to meet.
Not gonna sit home waiting around.
Not gonna sacrifice myself for a man.
Number one is self preservation of me, my son, my life.
I will not stand still to be ignored.
Catch up with me if you care, or get left behind.

2010-06-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

Woke up from a bad dream--more annoying than anything actually.
I dreamed X dumped his Chinese wife and got a tiny, blonde American wife complete with weird family. They showed up to my school--where son goes as well-- and the new wife with her mom and sis came over to me, were snotty and said I wasn't to show up at any of their family functions. pfft. Later, they all sat in the next booth over at a restaurant where we had an unpleasant scene.

derrrr. It's bad enough dealing with junk in real life but wish he'd leave my dreams alone!!

2010-06-13T20:56:00.001-07:00

Quiet weekend at home---never a great thing for my state of mind.
Reel push mowers are to mowing what a carpet sweeper is to vacuuming.
I'm tired of being ignored by my children and my men.
I wonder if keeping my home is worth it.
It feels like no one really cares about me.
My son is what keeps me alive.
Flowers make me feel kinda happy.
I can do way more painting than I can weed whacking.
Cleaning house makes things feel better.
The sliding door handle that X just fixed a year ago has broken. They don't make em like they used to.
I'm scared about all the things that need to be done.
Credit cards are evil.
I don't have any credit cards.
Nowadays, men in steel toed boots pique my interest.
I'm kinda man crazy lately.
Am thinking of getting a tattoo.
Perhaps I need to start seeing a counselor again.
It bothers me that my X calls me names to my children.
Maybe that is why my children seem so disrespectful toward me lately.
My son is going to need braces to prevent an under bite.
I have tomatoes growing in with my flowers and one is almost ripe.

2010-06-13T17:28:00.001-07:00

From:	...Me
To:	X husband

I have NEVER disrespected you to your children. I do NOT say bad things about you to them EVER. You are HURTING my children by saying those type of things to them and God knows what you say. I have done nothing to deserve that kind of treatment from you.

2010-06-12T03:06:00.001-07:00

It would be easy, too too easy.

I am the punchline of my life

2010-06-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

My kids don't respect me. Daughter ignores my calls and texts when it suits her, is disrespectful in her attitude, tone of voice, etc.

Son called me a "crazy old lady" tonight.
I had him mow part of the yard.
Later, he had to deliver his laptop to me and will be off it until he earns it back.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering the way X talks to them about me.
I'm nothing more than a joke I guess. :/

morning comes again

2010-06-04T10:51:00.001-07:00

Last night was a difficult night. It started out with my own personal crisis thinking about Navy, questioning what, why, etc. He's really the only man in my life thus far who I can actually think about long-term with but unfortunately there are a lot of negatives to that scenario--which make it doubtful for a positive outcome. PLUS, I have no idea how he feels about me now other than the fact that I know he cares about me as a person and as a friend.

I finally up and asked him if he has a lady in Collinsville because he has been spending time there with his motorcycle club and at his friend's house. He said no, there wasn't. So okay, fine. He works over 60 hours a week, sleeps as much if not more, and there is very little hours left for him to share with anyone else. I've been okay with that lately but caring about him is a lonely pastime.
Okay on to last night-- enter panic attacky kinda episode. I missed having someone to hold me, just hold me. I hate the fact that with losing my husband, I lost that physical closeness that meant so much to my sense of well-being, that physical closeness that I gave away twenty years away in order to keep.

There was an overwhelming temptation to call my X to come over and comfort me. He would have too, knowing him, but of course, it would have cost me terribly. None of the men in my life were such that I could call them, I didn't want to call any of my family because it always involves too much explanation --- I called Navy, hoping that would straighten me up, but he was busy loading the trailer in KC so it was just me and my son.

Son came in a couple times to check on me, so I stopped fussing to speak with him, finally deciding to take something to help me sleep. and it did.

Thank God for mornings. No matter how stormy the night, when the sun comes out and the birds are singing, life is good again.

1000 dollars

2010-06-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

A guy stopped by and knocked on my door. NOOOO I know what you are thinking. They are not beating my door down now. lol although that would be fun.

No no, he just stopped to see if I were interested in getting my house painted. lol. umm yeah I've been painting what I can reach for a few weeks now. At this rate, could take awhile.

His bid --- the top half of the house (parts I can't reach) caulked, wood replaced, 2 coats paint rolled and brushed = 1000 dollars. He will let me make payments.

Is that a good deal?

If I had to do it myself = rent scaffolding, find someone to climb scaffolding, potentially rent sprayer blah blah. That alone if I pay the person could = 500-600 dollars. PLUS the hassle of renting the scaffolding, dealing with a person to do all that per hour, blah blah.

help?

2010-05-31T15:09:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful for all the men and woman who have served for our country. Today is the day to remember all the sacrifices made on behalf of our freedom---traditionally celebrated with grilled meats.

In honor of that tradition, I allowed my as yet unlicensed daughter to drive me to our family gathering. My older brother showed up, along with his ex wife and his soon to be ex wife. Yup, we all get along.

Today, I'm dreary, lol so that is all i have to say.

2010-05-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

Friday night date with R.
Saturday evening date with B
Saturday late night date with M.
Today is still available :)

2010-05-29T11:07:00.000-07:00

When I went to the child support hearing, X unexpectedly came up, hugged me and sat next to me---- a brief interlude of happy to see me I guess. Caught off guard, I kissed his forehead. :/

That threw me off just enough to start up the waterworks when I left the waiting room. Bottom line, he is supposed to pay the regular child support and 40 extra toward the back child support. Failure to do so will result in revocation of his driver's license. Apparently, I will also be getting his tax refund, such as it is. SO pretty sure the happy to see me interlude won't happen again for quite awhile.

I'm officially on my summer break from school YaY. My brother brought me a reel push mower and fixed my garage door opener up with a universal remote.

Life is good.

This is a special year

2010-05-26T17:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I took Navy to work and picked him up at 3:30 this morning. His car's AC is broken and windows won't roll down; he's on 3 new medicines for his diabetes and his back still hurts. Even though I spent most of the weekend brooding and annoyed when it comes down to it, I consider him my family--and family helps family. Those couple days away allowed me to just enjoy his company to and from his work, laughing and joking with him.

My kicked to the curb new guy, R, is now helping me fix things around the house. I decided that rather than give my money to some contractor I might as well help R out, pay him, etc. He has quite a background in construction and knows something about everything. That's great for me. So today he painted for 2 hours with my company and limited assistance. It was actually great to see him and we laughed and joked sooooo much. What a great way to spend my money---with a guy whose company I enjoy. ( New guy M may not make the cut.... stay tuned).

I then realized something: I have laughed more this past year than I have laughed in the last twenty years. Today, I was freely laughing, happy, funny, enjoying my life and enjoying the company -- Navy's and R's . Yes, I have cried so many tears, but the laughter is probably worth every one of the tears. Please remind me of this next time I want to quit.

growth

2010-05-24T03:40:00.000-07:00

After a full day and evening of moping and being reclusive, my mom called Sunday morning (waking me up from aforementioned dream) and gave me no choice but to go to church with her. I'm pretty sure that saved me from spending another day moping. Church and lunch are becoming our routine.

I should have been busy grading papers, but instead took a drive to just peek at flowers and buy a couple to put in by my mailbox. Yeah right. That's like eating ONE chip.

needs a bit of tidying, but at least they are in the ground. While I was at it, I took a picture of my first tomatoes ever--- planted in the midst of some flowers for convenience. For whatever reason, I don't have a lot of stamina, so have to work small areas of flowers as I can. Baby steps.... hopefully, if I keep doing that it will get easier and stamina will improve. This is the first year that I've done so much outside work in a long time. Had a few flowers last year, but add the painting and other things, I'm getting pretty active, which is very important. I actually turned on my air conditioning too since it was a pretty hot and humid day---I worked up quite a sweat! lol.

Today I go to court again regarding the X's unpaid child support.

it only takes one

2010-05-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Went out to movie and dinner with a guy friend Friday night.
Saturday picked up Navy from work and drove him home, went to graduation, then spent the rest of a long day at home.

Slept in today and had a dream just before I woke up.

I was being attacked by people in an apartment----I was screaming for my X to help me remembered then was screaming for Navy who should have been around somewhere but was getting ready for work. I kept doing that ---alternating between X, remembering, then screaming for Navy. ---managed to make it to the door and was trying to get out and screaming for someone to help me realizing that Navy was gone already, and the bystanders just looked. Finally a man came to help me and got me out of there, but I couldn't see his face.

I don't need lots of men, just one who will be there for me. Forever. or at least another twenty years.

Rainy days

2010-05-16T04:42:00.000-07:00

I kept telling myself don't do it, don't do it.
Don't. do. it.
yeah.
I did it.
I gathered up Navy's laundry, brought it home, and did it.
again.

Navy called me Saturday afternoon and asked me what I was doing and if I wanted to go grocery shopping. I did of course, just coz I like to see Navy. So I followed him around like a lil puppy at Wally World as he shopped, joking with him, admiring his big ole trucker/biker studliness, thinking to myself how pathetic I am lol. His hair is getting longer again--he always ties it back but when he lets it down. mrawr. He hadn't slept in 24 hours because his biker boss had called on to escort him to Harley D store. That alone brings up my motherly concern--he needs his beauty sleep! His knees kept buckling a bit as he shopped. :/

Then, as we drive to his apartment, he tells me he is going to the doctor on Monday. UMm it must be serious. That freaked me out a bit --a few different things that need looking at. So of course I helped him put away his groceries, then as he mentioned that he needed to do laundry, knowing he was gonna sleep the night away, I gathered it all up to bring home n wash. yeah. i did.

Backtracking here..... Friday night I went out to my new guy's house where he'd cooked me a meal, set the table and everything. A full meal! That was quite a treat. Afterward, we watched a movie. I need a nickname for this one. I'll call him M.

Now, the previous new guy--- the one I kicked to the curb but yet he lingers. I am waiting on an invitation of any sort before I see him again. I refuse to initiate a meeting, to drive over to his place, etc. He remains at the curb.

Now

2010-05-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I will no longer search
for signs of your love
as a private investigator
searches for clues.
I will no longer dissect
every conversation
looking for hidden meaning.
I will no longer brush carefully
at a pile of dusty bones
seeking proof
that your love existed.

Now, I dance down life's beaches
glorying in the sun and surf
welcoming the wind in my hair
now and again stooping to scoop
seashells up from the love-strewn shore.

Now, I find love in the open.

jayksee May 2010

super secret stealthy spy operations 'n superwoman is back

2010-05-11T02:18:00.001-07:00

Had a busy, tiring day at school yesterday---for some reason I saved a very important unit on research and using sources correctly for the very last thing of the year :/ It's as hard on me as it is on them lol harder than I'd like to be working this late in the school year, that's for sure.

SO, Navy spent Saturday afternoon/evening and most of Sunday with me this past weekend. I love having him around so much, I dunno why. Just being around him makes me feel calm and content-- I'm like a lil puppy dog following him happily around. He got called away Sunday afternoon on motorcycle club business and when I stopped by Monday morning to bring some important things back to him, he wasn't home yet.

Turns out that he'd spent the nite at a "friends" which I immediately understood to be a female. I got off the phone and kept putting it out of my mind, along with getting ready to smite Navy out of my life, listing all the valid reasons for doing so even though I knew he wasn't likely messing around with that "friend".

Lo and behold, he showed up at my door an hour or so later to pick up his stuff. I think he knew I might be unhappy with where he was. I was pleasant and polite to him. (After all, 'snot like I'm being exclusive nor have we even discussed it at all--he knows I go out on dates). He kind of stumbled around 'whewww, what a night" loud yawns, etc. possibly waiting for some reaction on my part. When I failed to question him or comment, he chose to explain that "boss" asked him to go guard one of the friends of the club who was being harassed by her soon-to-be X and that it was now "Timex's" turn to watch her. Yeah, so smiting postponed.

Yesterday after school, I had a brief episode of feeling overwhelmed, understaffed, and underfunded--- frustration at lack of child support blah blah.

cried for a couple hours, had to go get Navy's wallet from his apt and bring it to him at work, crying all the while... I do it so often feels like that I barely let my tears bother me---just go about my business meanwhile crying all the time. Anyhoo, got home arranged for a super stealth secret spy operation with baby bro who is gonna find out where X works for me so I can report him. shhh, don't tell a soul! unstopped my kitchen drain and bathtub --guess I'd been waiting for a husband to do that. Welp did it myself. Son did his homework without my having to stand over him so life feels good again and I am back to being superwoman.

K, my new beau... He's a good kisser. I like him :) maybe I'll keep him. for awhile. who knows.

previous new guy is still around too. Gonna have to get a nickname for him especially if I get new guys. That would be confusing.

tall drinkable Texans

2010-05-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

Hello campers! Things have been interesting around here--- was in the dumps last weekend but back up again this one. That ole roller coaster gets pretty tedious, as you well know.
Back to more important things: men

Yeah so guess I'm not as down on men at the moment. I had a date on Thursday evening with a tall former U of Texas football player who drives a Hummer, has a fancy job, ranch, condo, blah blah so he said. He WAS a tall drink of water tho and attractive. Possibly too attractive and fancy shmancy for the likes of me. We had a nice meal with pleasant conversation-- shook hands and went our separate ways. I figured it was my typical first-last date deal.

At 1:30 am, I got a text asking me if I was ready to "get naked" and a few other choice things. I declined and he asked for a second date. I asked for clarification regarding what exactly he was asking for, and he made it clear that he wanted sex, wondering if I was "in". I said no thanks, he said, "next week?" Anyhoo, when I made it clear--- Thanks but no thanks, he got rude. how shocking lol.

Saturday morning, took Navy to pick up his Harley and went out on a lunch date with a new potential suitor---which was QUITE pleasant. When I checked my phone a bit later, there were texts and voice mails from Navy who was waiting for me I guess and texts from new guy whom i kicked to the curb. Guess I failed to mention it to him. lol.

Happy Mother's Day, people.

I can taste Summer already

2010-04-27T03:03:00.000-07:00

Things are going well--- I finally have something to say and a bit of the apathy has worn off.

In terms of the men in my life, though, not so sure. I've kicked new guy to the curb. We dated for about a month I guess, but he is perpetually broke, and seemed like I was having to drive to him all the time, pay for a few meals here and there just so we could go out. I'm a single mom, geesh, meet me half way or something! Navy guy is around, barely. I like being with him but once a week or less is not going to cut it. I'm going to spend some time again with big truck fix it guy--the one with the beautiful eyes but loves to tell me about brake lines, animal rendering, etc. lol. He's a good guy and I'm looking forward to resuming our summer weekend nights spent listening to outdoor music. We had fun with that last summer.

On the home front, house-wise, things are grapes! My roof got reshingled, I've started painting the house, have someone cleaning, clearing, filling and leveling the back yard-- yay! Accomplishing things that have been on hold forever really makes me feel good about life in general.

Son is back to seeing his father again, which allows me to have a bit of chill time. I'm keeping a close tab on it though, to make sure he isn't being mistreated.

Yesterday was an adventure at the house. We let the dogs out into the back yard after the guys finished for the day and they dogs kept getting out of the gate, over and over. We checked and double checked to make sure the bricks were there holding it shut, but they were still getting out. It was very puzzling but my smart boy figured it out---the OTHER gate was wide open! lol

THEN, had a scary experience... I'm not fond of birds and one flew in my patio door!!!!!! we (when I say WE I mean my son) trapped it in the kitchen window thingy, while I tried to think of a man to come and rescue me. Turned out, that man was my 11 year old son. My hero! I think the bird was a female cardinal.

due to budget constraints and apathy...

2010-04-12T02:02:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling pretty apathetic at the moment-- had a bit of a rough patch during the weekend when son spent the nite at his dad's Saturday. Basically daughter screamed at her father and forced him to ask to see his son. As she was there and promised to keep an eye on him, I let son go but then I was worried all nite that he might be abused verbally/emotionally, etc.

I really don't feel like writing much. I'm kinda down with men at the moment too.

Notice to current patrons: due to budget constraints, delivery is no longer available until further notice---dine in or carry out only. In addition, sales calls, circulars, and coupons have been discontinued. If you would like to know what the specials are, you are gonna have to call. The hand delivered unsolicited two armed enveloping before after dinner mints are now upon request only.

Basically, just kiss my ass.

hawt for teacher????

2010-03-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Okay the funniest thing happened. I told you that widower was not going down gracefully. He sent me texts back and forth which made things awkward until I got him to accept the fact that we weren't going anywhere. Since I knew that our relationship wasn't gonna progress, combined with the fact that he is still in the middle of the grieving process etc I told him it was best we not see each other. If I thought he could accept just being friends and not get hurt more than he already is, that would be a different story...

SO just as I thought that was settled, I got a call from his younger friend called Roach---a 35 year old strapping young lad who is a drunk father of several children by several different women, the most recent child is a month or so.

Anyhoo, he called to ask me why I broke up with his friend the widower and ended up hitting on me !!!! Apparently, I am not hideous and the fact that I am a teacher is uber hot to his intoxicated brain! LOL. In very colorfully descriptive graphic language, he informed me that he knows what I want, need and was bound determined to come straight over to give it to me in a very athletic, aerobic fashion. LOL. He DEMANDED that I give him my address, especially when I told him that I am not interested in what he has to offer (supposedly he has never been turned down....) Upon my refusal to give up my address, he declared that he would get it from widower and be right over. Yipes.

About that point, I was imagining having to call the police at midnite and how that would look to the rest of the cul de sac--- some drunken young stud pounding on my front door declaring my uber hotness to the world at large and demanding that I bend over..... LOL.

Yeah.

He didn't come over, thankfully but did call two more times. I'd blocked his number but can still see if he calls. So, two times that night and SEVEN times the next!!!!! Hhat the Weck???? Yeah so then I was trying to decide... call widower and ask him to have his friend back off, file a restraining order, etc. Navy guy was no help since he found it all hilarious and declared that was the price I had to pay for being such a hawtie. pffft I did detect a note of sarcasm :/

Thankfully, my would-be-stud / stalker finally gave up. Good thing since I'm pretty sure no one who has seen me would believe me capable of inspiring such umm, errr. lust or passion. whatever.

2010-03-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

k, things are a bit confusing right now.. first, another key broke on the fantabulous laptop purchased by my ex our last Christmas as a couple. now my shift key doesn't work. swell. that makes three keys down.

I've been a bit confused about things lately. too many men make julie a bit overwhelmed. thing is, this new one is taking up all my time and attention. he is 44, handsome, funny, seems to really like me and we have had so many dates in the past ten days, i have lost count. welp we will see. meanwhile, i have trouble shaking the idea that if he likes me, something must be wrong with him.

I've had to let widower slide. number one, he smokes, even though he said he didn't. number two, he has some serious health issues, number three, he is still mourning his wife---its only been since June, after all. and, he's a bit too old for me. 13 years is quite a leap. so far, he isn't taking it lyin down tho. wants to keep connected.

plus, i like navy seal bunches, but.... u know. so not sure what to do here.

Texting

2010-03-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, X called Son's cell phone asking him to come over this weekend. Son asked me if he could. I said no, that his dad needed to make arrangements with me first, but as I looked at my boy who was blinking back tears, I almost caved. Later in the day, I explained to him again that he could see his dad whenever his dad asked me.

This morning, his dad texted him:

X: I miss you

Son: I do too, call mom and tell her you wanna see me this weekend

X: [I'm sure this is your mom] writing this but its your call if you think i am still your dad i hate her

Son: Dad, please just contact mom you dont need to like her

X: U realize she does not want you to see me,... I will not talk to her. If i move away... i wont see u till you are 18,... Soooo sad

Son: No its still you its not hard to call mom and tell her you wanna see me

X: U are missing out on the toys i wanted to buy for you

Son: Objection! Bribery is not nice

I let Son deal with all his texting to his father and later he showed me his phone. I was so proud about how calm he was, how he kept bringing the focus back to his dad, how he didn't let it spoil his day. Smart, brave boy.

I have random super powers

2010-03-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm doing well---feeling fine. Son is back to his sweet cuddly self. I took him out to dinner and a movie last night since he will be leaving for the rest of the week with my brother and family. The sun was shining; I was feeling at peace and had an impulse. Yeah, I'm a goober. We stopped by and asked if X wanted to join us.

He didn't. Apparently, he thinks Navy guy lives in my house. lol. Son talked to him while I waited in the car. Anyhoo, we went and had a good time.

Later, checked my email and there was a message from X. Here it is: Congratulations!! You have managed to clean out Papi and mami's bank account. They will love you soo much for that.
That's the only money they have for Indonesia. Way to go. Don't bother replying,.. I have been throwing out your emails.

Umm, Yeah. welp that's odd. I have NO idea what it means but sure hope it means money is coming my way. Apparently I have random superpowers, the ability to clear out other people's bank accounts? I have to say that X is kinda scary right now-- not making sense, unreasonable, irrational...

Tonite, Widower is taking me out for a belated B-day dinner. He is a sweet man and I'm worried about leading him on, albeit unintentionally. I'm not sure what I'm doing, what I want. Isn't that why people date? He's a handsome man, a bit thin for my taste, and is 56 yrs old. That's a bit older than I am looking for too. However, he is kind, considerate, a gentleman, and I enjoy his company, keeping an open mind. sigh. Why is life so confusing?

I really like Navy guy but I feel that I deserve someone who will TALK to me, INDULGE Me a bit, Coddle and Cuddle me as needed. I hate having to guess how Navy guy feels about me but for some reason I can't bring myself to ASK-- probably because the answer is potentially painful and hazardous to my emotional well being. Birthdays are just another day to him, Valentine's, Christmas, blah blah all seem to be just days. Durn it, I want to be CHERISHED a bit.

Okay enuff whining. It's going to be a good day. The sun should be out to warm up the world. My Daffodils are blooming... All is well when my daffodils bloom. I wrote a poem about it a year or so ago:

I was thinking last night how much better I am. Two years ago, I wouldn't have even wanted to go to a movie or anywhere for that matter. For a few years, I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, do anything. Everything just seemed like too much of an effort. I was depressed but didn't really realize it until the not wanting to live feelings began. Then the realization that I was in trouble hit. NOW, I love the sunshine, the wind in my hair, going out, doing stuff. Sure, from your perspective, I'm a mess. But compared to when I started this blog, there has been a BIG change. THANK YOU all for following me through it. GBU.

It's raining men

2010-03-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Things have been interesting around here. Seems like the man situation is either flood or famine. (sorry about that picture. I just had to. Seems the boys used a "fluffer") lol.

I go out with Widower once a week and talk to him on the phone every night. Navy guy is still around and we have been been hanging out quite a bit, talking on the phone. He even calls ME once in awhile or texts me. Seems that my having dates caused him to take more of an interest in me or at least show it.

I went on a date last nite with a nice man who is a former Pastor. He was very nice and I enjoyed visiting with him---hope he calls back but from experience, I am not going to hold my breath. There are two other guys who I will probably have a date with in the near future, we'll see how that goes.

Truck-Fix-It guy called me to chat the other day but he seems so busy with his children that it's hard to connect with him. That's okay with me though. Army guy called to wish me happy birthday, but I was watching a video with Navy guy so that was awkward.

Meanwhile, yesterday I had an altercation with my 11 year old. I asked him to feed the dogs but he was being ornery and refused to do so until I left for Walmart. It seems important that a child knows how to obey immediately without question, that he understands that HE is not in charge-- so I insisted that he do it right away. Son decided to be stubborn even after I grounded him off his computer for the rest of the day. So I went to confiscate it. That was when he became physical with me, pushing, shoving, biting, hitting, etc. I remained calm but firm--got the computer. However, he kept after me for an hour until I called my brother to come over to help me. Son was full out MAD, angry, lashing out. I could have physically overpowered him (hurt him) until he left me alone, but was concerned with the anger/rage that he was exhibiting so thought maybe I should just be calm, hold him off and let him wear himself out. But he was hurting me and I was getting tired. Frankly, I think if there were a sharp object handy, I might have gotten stabbed; he was that angry and out of control. Brother was taking too long, so I called Navy guy.

Navy guy can be a scary one. Through the sheer volume of his voice and physical presence, he got son off of me and on a chair. In no uncertain terms, he told son that if he ever laid a hand on me again.... blah blah blah. Son shouted back at him briefly and I was so happy that Navy guy has self control and didn't get too close or lay a hand on my son. But it was scary. If son would have gotten out of that chair, I am not sure what would have happened. Glad that I didn't have to find out. (Later, Navy guy called me several times to check on me. That was sweet, huh? Maybe he cares. )

My brother came over, calmed son down and took him to his house for the nite. By the time Son left, he was all happiness and light again. I seriously need to get him some counseling. Down side is that I had just had a reflexology treatment for my neck, so was feeling great. With the physical struggle all that went down the tubes. Thankfully, I have another appt. scheduled next week.

My date--I'll call him Former Pastor -- was talking about his nephew and son... seems that boys can be more challenging to raise than girls. oh swell. My poor baby. Just when having a father is most important, his is gone. :(